Are mega hours ok if you have a SAHP?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Are mega hours ok if you have a SAHP?
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Wed, 06-18-2003 - 11:00am
This is kind a a spin off from the equalty and careers thread. I have been reading many posts from the thread about SAHPs who have spouses who work lots of hours. Is it OK for one spouse to work 80 hours a week (assuming it's his choice), as long as there is a SAHP with the kids? Is it OK to to be a workaholic or career driven and come home at 10pm and leave the house at dawn because you have career goals that require those kinds of hours? Is that fair to the kids and ultimately fair to the relationship between dad and the child to assume the position that as long as mom is home, dad can be gone all the time?

Personally, it would make me crazy to have my dh at work 100 hours a week, regardless of my employment status. Crazy because I wouldn't want to have to handle everything that pertains to home and kids and crazy worrying that the kids were not developing a close relationship with dad. There is something to be said, IMHO, for dad beng the one to show up at some of the parent meetings, events, etc.

My bro commutes to NYC daily. He leaves at 4:30am and doesn't get home til 8-9pm every night. He misses just about everything having to with his kids and does not even get to eat one meal with them during the week. That would make me nuts.

Is it ok to have an absent parent if the other parent is a SAHP?

Susan

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-02-2003 - 12:55pm
You have to be kidding. This is a 10 yr old. Take a stab at holding him accountable for his own choices. A 10 yr old is more than capable of understanding why he is cranky due to lack of sleep, and of managing his behaviour. My 6 yr old can manage that.

"I know your tired, but its your own doing. Its fine to be tired in the name of some fun, but if you can't manage to be pleasant the next day, you can go to your room where you won't be able to make us miserable along with yourself, because we have no intention of paying the price for your fun. We didn't have any and we didn't choose for you to be tired."

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-02-2003 - 1:07pm
They won't hold a job long later in life if they can't accomodate a schedule that meets someting more than their own needs.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-02-2003 - 1:16pm
So at what age do you think kids suddenly become aware that they need to be able to adapt to other peoples needs? Especially given the fairly real fact that there are no shortage of adults who do not seem to ever come to that realization?

I'm confused though. With your "meet needs" thinking, why are you teaching your oldest that she only need expect to make a snack for a sibbling at a very convenient time - ie when she is making one for herself anyway? Why would you, with your philosophy, not be teaching her that she needs to prepare a snack for the sibbling, based on the sibblings needs - whenever that may be?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-02-2003 - 1:42pm
I see a big problem. The problem being, you did pick hours out of an imaginary box. The imaginary box of schedules that suit you, the parent, best. You just make very minor adjustments "for" your children. The real schedule is not really about them and "their" needs at all, its about you and the personal habbit needs you've developped over a lifetime of habbit, and also needs that your personal lifestyle requirements and the requirements of fitting into a greater society, place on you.

What if one kid needs snack at 4pm in order to avoid hunger, and will eat supper again at 6pm, and can't tolerate a later meal to go with the required 8pm bedtime. While the second, won't eat snack at 3, but does need that snack by 4 in order to make it passed 5 without becoming very hungry, but then won't eat supper till 7pm, and will sleep just fine? No matter what people are saying here...its ALL about parents arranging schedules, or lack thereof, to suit the parents. The kids by and large, adjust to what the parents need. It has to be this way, because otherwise noone would ever have been able to manage keeping more than a kid or two alive, and beyoond that, we'd never be able to function as as a society. Parents determine their set of options based on that which suits them. You can offer you kidS a 4pm, or a 3pm snack. You will give your kidS a big meal sometime between 6pm and 7pm. Yet millions of people eat big meals at 2pm or 3pm, and have a light snack in the evening. Moving supper or snack around within one hour intervals isn't the big thing. The big thing is determining that the big meal of the day will happen between 6 and 7, rather than at 2 or 3. And if each child demonstrates an individual preference, one 'needing' to eat at 6, one 'needing' to eat at 7, you are, by and large, most probably, going to ignore that little issue.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-02-2003 - 1:49pm
I"m not Virgo .. but my guess would be ... because her dd isn't her ds' mom!

She's teaching her daughter to be considerate of others. She's not giving her daughter a mother role.

Hollie

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 07-02-2003 - 2:24pm
No, I'm not putting words in your mouth. You specifically mentioned the "beemer" and "big house" as if that's the only thing WOHMs work for. That is the biggest stereotype out there and it's a stupid comment to make.

<> So am I. So why did *you* mention *things* when referring to WOHMs? Do you think WOHMs corner the market on having *things?* I have both WOH and SAH friends who have *things.* Is it okay for the SAHMs to have them, but not the WOHMs?

<> *I am* the daughter, grand-daughter and great-grand-daughter of working women, and had NO issue with my mom's work status. We still have a great, close relationship.

<> It's nice that you enjoyed that. That wasn't my experience, which does not mean I did not have (and still have) a great relationship with my mother. I loved helping my mom out at school as I got older. I loved the women whose friendships she made while teaching school. Plus I had my wonderful grandmother taking care of me and my sister and brother while mom worked. I'd say that was a great arrangement for all of us.

<> My mom was a teacher. She couldn't do those things, but she was at school functions and was home with us after school. And I do volunteering and help out at my boys' school and chaperone class trips as a WOHM. It can be done.

<> I want for my boys parents who love them and who can provide them a warm, loving, comfortable home. And they have that, even with me WOH (imagine that!).

Avatar for laurenmom2boys
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 07-02-2003 - 2:25pm
Guilty? Why in the world would she feel guilty?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-02-2003 - 2:29pm
OK, gotcha. Our styles aren't too different - my kids' schedules are a little more set since they are younger (and woe is us if breakfast isn't 8 am sharp!!)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-02-2003 - 2:33pm
Agreed, but Mommy and Daddy's schedule needs/wants count, also.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-02-2003 - 2:37pm
Right, but that shows flexibility based on your child's cues each day, rather than "My child doesn't need much sleep. He's never tired before 9:30."

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