Are mega hours ok if you have a SAHP?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Are mega hours ok if you have a SAHP?
1499
Wed, 06-18-2003 - 11:00am
This is kind a a spin off from the equalty and careers thread. I have been reading many posts from the thread about SAHPs who have spouses who work lots of hours. Is it OK for one spouse to work 80 hours a week (assuming it's his choice), as long as there is a SAHP with the kids? Is it OK to to be a workaholic or career driven and come home at 10pm and leave the house at dawn because you have career goals that require those kinds of hours? Is that fair to the kids and ultimately fair to the relationship between dad and the child to assume the position that as long as mom is home, dad can be gone all the time?

Personally, it would make me crazy to have my dh at work 100 hours a week, regardless of my employment status. Crazy because I wouldn't want to have to handle everything that pertains to home and kids and crazy worrying that the kids were not developing a close relationship with dad. There is something to be said, IMHO, for dad beng the one to show up at some of the parent meetings, events, etc.

My bro commutes to NYC daily. He leaves at 4:30am and doesn't get home til 8-9pm every night. He misses just about everything having to with his kids and does not even get to eat one meal with them during the week. That would make me nuts.

Is it ok to have an absent parent if the other parent is a SAHP?

Susan

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Avatar for virgogirl914
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 07-02-2003 - 9:40pm
And how do you know which WOHMs are in that 'select group'?
Avatar for laurenmom2boys
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 07-02-2003 - 9:41pm
What industry would that be?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-1999
Wed, 07-02-2003 - 9:50pm
I have never said that she couldn't. What I said in my OP was, "I've always wanted to be a SAHM and never understood women who WANT to work FT with children..."

I never said WOHMs couldn't be close to their kids, I said I didn't understand WHY anyone would want to WOHM.

C

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-1999
Wed, 07-02-2003 - 9:51pm
I don't. I openly admit that I was making a blanket statement. I was not judging all WOHM...check my OP, you'll see I singled out that particular group. C
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-1999
Wed, 07-02-2003 - 9:52pm
SIGH--have you read the entire thread? I've said this about a zillion times, DH is a VP in financial services. Specifically, he's in asset management. C
Avatar for virgogirl914
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 07-02-2003 - 10:02pm
So let's reverse your own comment. . .

"okay for you to be gone 40 hrs. a week from your kids but NOT okay for my DH to work 80 hrs a week?"

But for you it's okay for your husband to be away from his child for 80 hours a week and it's NOT okay for a woman to WOH.

To paraphrase you:

My husband knew when he married me that I was passionate about my work when he married me. . .it's ONE of the reasons he married me. I knew when I married him that he was passionate about serving his country. . .and knew it would mean separations. He also knew that HE and I were quite capable of raising children, in addition to our work.

Don't get me wrong. . .I don't have an issue with your husband's work hours per se. . .just the POV that you seem to have that having a SAHM some how makes up for your son not seeing his dad often enough and that it's okay for a WOHD to be away for mega-hours, but a WOHM can't work 'regular hours'. I have no illusions that I some how 'make up' for my husband's absences due to his military career. I've seen our kids develop strong relationships with him. . .but not because *I* make up for him.

Avatar for virgogirl914
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 07-02-2003 - 10:09pm
Fair enough. . .

I'll answer for myself then:

1) Because there are things that I want for my children that my salary affords us. . .and no, they aren't a 'beemer' or a big huge house. The fact that I'm in the ECE field and my dh is in the Army should clue you into that.

2) Because I'm quite capable of working in my given field AND maintaining strong relationships with my children.

3) Because I'm passionate about ensuring ALL children have quality early childhood experiences. . .not just mine, not just the rich, and not just those who qualify for 'special programs' like Head Start and Early Head Start. . .ALL children.

4) Because I suck at cooking and other domestic activities. :)

Avatar for virgogirl914
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 07-02-2003 - 10:11pm
Just trying to point out why for SOME people outside of your husband's industry it might not seem like such an obvious phrase. . .

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-1999
Wed, 07-02-2003 - 10:13pm
IMO, comparing my situation to the average WOHM situation is comparing apples to oranges. And yes, I do think that I make up for DH's absences in some cases. I think that my parents (retired, living nearby and interacting w/DS almost daily) make up for it in other cases. And, at 17 months, I don't think DH is THAT much of an influence on DS--he's not the mommy.

What I find greatly ironic is that DH is gone the same amt. of time as two parents that WOH, and so many WOHM have such an issue with it.

To me, it's comparing apples to oranges b/c DS is in MY care, not in the care of a DCP while DH is gone. That's the difference to me.

C

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-1999
Wed, 07-02-2003 - 10:16pm
And I think that's fair. If that's what you're happy doing and your kids are happy, I think that's wonderful! More power to you. And FWIW, you don't fall into the category I initially wrote about anyway.

This has been interesting...I'm also a virgo, so it's been especially fun debating another one! Christi

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