Are mega hours ok if you have a SAHP?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Are mega hours ok if you have a SAHP?
1499
Wed, 06-18-2003 - 11:00am
This is kind a a spin off from the equalty and careers thread. I have been reading many posts from the thread about SAHPs who have spouses who work lots of hours. Is it OK for one spouse to work 80 hours a week (assuming it's his choice), as long as there is a SAHP with the kids? Is it OK to to be a workaholic or career driven and come home at 10pm and leave the house at dawn because you have career goals that require those kinds of hours? Is that fair to the kids and ultimately fair to the relationship between dad and the child to assume the position that as long as mom is home, dad can be gone all the time?

Personally, it would make me crazy to have my dh at work 100 hours a week, regardless of my employment status. Crazy because I wouldn't want to have to handle everything that pertains to home and kids and crazy worrying that the kids were not developing a close relationship with dad. There is something to be said, IMHO, for dad beng the one to show up at some of the parent meetings, events, etc.

My bro commutes to NYC daily. He leaves at 4:30am and doesn't get home til 8-9pm every night. He misses just about everything having to with his kids and does not even get to eat one meal with them during the week. That would make me nuts.

Is it ok to have an absent parent if the other parent is a SAHP?

Susan

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-02-2003 - 10:33pm
OMG! You did NOT just say that!

"fathers are/can be rather superfluous in the day-to-day things."

That is one of the most insulting things I've ever read on this board. Fathers are EVERY BIT AS IMPORTANT AS MOTHERS!

"And before you start flaming away--think about all the single moms out there. "

Ummmm, I"m on my way to being one of those single moms. And my children's father is NOT superflours. Its a shame that many mothers do without a father for their children. Its a sad fact of life, but that doesn't mean that fathers are superflous.

I also faced the possibility of losing my father to cancer. And I'm 32. And I still feel he isn't superflous.

Adn I also disagree with:

"It's okay for you to be gone 40 hrs. a week from your kids but NOT okay for my DH to work 80 hrs a week?" Ummm, him gone 80 .. me gone 40. How can that be compared as if its apples to apples?

I'm just so saddened by this post. Wonder how your dh would react if he knew you thought he was "superflous."

HOllie

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-02-2003 - 10:35pm
i work for a banking corporation, and know nobody who works less than 40 hours a week whether in a branch or the corporate offices. i take issue with the term being thrown around so loosely, as i work 7:30-4 with a half hour lunch. i wish i had the "bankers hours" you describe.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-02-2003 - 10:37pm
Again, this is making me angry at your attitude toward not only WOHMs but fathers.

"And yes, I do think that I make up for DH's absences in some cases. I think that my parents (retired, living nearby and interacting w/DS almost daily) make up for it in other cases. "

Then how can my parents, and my husband (well, soon to be ex) and my brothers and my family and my friends and etc not make up for my absence while I work?

"And, at 17 months, I don't think DH is THAT much of an influence on DS--he's not the mommy. "

My dh was a GREAT influence on dd and ds at that age. As much as, if not more so, than I. 17 months is, IMO, an age of great learning and loving and to be absent a father's influence at that age could be a critical detriment.

"What I find greatly ironic is that DH is gone the same amt. of time as two parents that WOH, and so many WOHM have such an issue with it. "

No. We don't have an issue solely with the hours your dh works. We have an issue that its okay for one parent to be gone that long, but its not okay for two parents combiend to be gone that long. If you're okay with that amount of time as an absence, what does it matter if its solely one parent or split between two?

Hollie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-02-2003 - 10:40pm
probably not, as lauren isnt real concerned with what your dh or anyone elses for that matter does. why would you think she would know what some chick on cyberspace's dh does??? way weird.

p.s. your dh is in the industry i work in and i never hear anyone throwing that term around so loosely. most people in the industry take issue with it, that is, if they work *true* bankers hours.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-02-2003 - 10:41pm
for real. how long has she been on here? a couple of weeks? where's the rolling eyes icon??? LOL
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-02-2003 - 10:46pm
Cant we share???? it fits me so well, and at this point in my life i actually enjoy wearing it, as i use it to my advantage when people who arent as smart as me think im not as smart as they and i beat them at their own game....ROFLMAO!!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-02-2003 - 10:52pm
And another comment

"B/c I've worked in childcare and I've seen how those kids RUN to their parents at the end of the day."

I've ssen that happen. Sometimes its because they missed their parents. Sometimes its because they want to show mommy what they painted today. Sometimes its because they want to show daddy the bug the class caught. I've also seen kids who simply look up, say "hi mommy" and go on with their crayons. I've seen kids that said "no go home. I wanna paint." I've seen my dd (1st grade in after school care) say "mommy, you're early. come get me later."

Hollie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-02-2003 - 11:20pm
>>>Children need their mothers, esp. at a young age--fathers are/can be rather superfluous in the day-to-day things.

----------------

Baloney. You may choose to believe that your husband is superfluous in your & your children's lives, but don't kid yourself that it doesn't matter to your children.

Or, perhaps he fed you that line of hooey in a lame attempt to justify his choice to be away from his family for 80 hours a week? Either way, doesn't make it true.


>>>And before you start flaming away--think about all the single moms out there.

----------------

Most of the mothers I know who are raising their children on their own aren't doing it because they believe a second parent is superfluous & unecessary. They are raising their kids alone out of necessity, making the best choice out of a limited array of possibilities presented to them, or simply because they weren't given a choice.


Edited 7/2/2003 11:28:46 PM ET by iomoon

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-03-2003 - 12:10am
But see you left off the last part of that quote, which was:

<>

So what if the WOHM is doing it for the Toyota Corrola and the 1,500 sq ft house. Does that still fall under "something else ENTIRELY" or just plain "something else."

Also if you are giving your son "the best" each and every day what is the WOHM who has to work giving their child. And how is that different from the mom who chooses to work.


You also said:

<<>

Hmmmmmm can't imagine why you are judging her financial situation. Maybe she is on another Board right now wondering why your husband works 80+ hours a week and doesn't spend more time with his child.

OR maybe she feels that if your husband can maintain this close loving relationship with his son WHILE working 80+ hours a week then she can SURELY do it in 40.

And for the record, I am a SAHM.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-03-2003 - 12:20am
Although I am soooo tempted to cut and paste your little "what's a matter are you defensive" post that you gave to almostfree, I will control myself.

Anyway.......What does him being taken care of by you have to do with his father working 80+ hours and the impact that may cause. Do you think he misses his dad any less because he is with you? You stated quite clearly that children you took care of missed their mommy and daddy when they were away for 40 hours a week. Well then going by YOUR assumptions......How would a child feel when their father is away for 80 + hours.

See you are the one throwing all these scenarios, assumptions, and judgements out there. I am just going by YOUR line of thinking.


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