Are mega hours ok if you have a SAHP?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Are mega hours ok if you have a SAHP?
1499
Wed, 06-18-2003 - 11:00am
This is kind a a spin off from the equalty and careers thread. I have been reading many posts from the thread about SAHPs who have spouses who work lots of hours. Is it OK for one spouse to work 80 hours a week (assuming it's his choice), as long as there is a SAHP with the kids? Is it OK to to be a workaholic or career driven and come home at 10pm and leave the house at dawn because you have career goals that require those kinds of hours? Is that fair to the kids and ultimately fair to the relationship between dad and the child to assume the position that as long as mom is home, dad can be gone all the time?

Personally, it would make me crazy to have my dh at work 100 hours a week, regardless of my employment status. Crazy because I wouldn't want to have to handle everything that pertains to home and kids and crazy worrying that the kids were not developing a close relationship with dad. There is something to be said, IMHO, for dad beng the one to show up at some of the parent meetings, events, etc.

My bro commutes to NYC daily. He leaves at 4:30am and doesn't get home til 8-9pm every night. He misses just about everything having to with his kids and does not even get to eat one meal with them during the week. That would make me nuts.

Is it ok to have an absent parent if the other parent is a SAHP?

Susan

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-03-2003 - 1:10am
Hurl Insults? Really? Where would that be? Was it when I questioned why it was ok for your husband to be away 80+ hours yet you had no problem judging your friend who works(who you know for a postive absolute fact is working for that SUV) while your husband is gone twice as much as her.

And yes you are talking smack about WOHM's when you give a judgemental opinion about your friend working for an SUV all the while your husband is working 80+ hours a week.

<>

Oh really? You DO know what his answer would be? I'll bet not. You are making assumptions that I am a WOHM because I am defending that position. But you are wrong. Because you see I am a SAHM, who does not judge other mothers on the choices that they make.

<>

Boy i could make alot of assumptions about that whole paragraph there if I followed the same assumption logic you do (you know the assumption logic that WOHM's who choose to work aren't giving there best to their children) Cause I could easily assume a workoholic would put work at the #2 position instead of #3...

<. Really? Does your DH not sleep?


<>

First off I am a SAHM so that doesn't even apply. However YOU give me a break....Because I never said it wasn't okay for him not to be away. I just questioned you as to why you are so judgemental over all these WOHMothers who leave there kids for 40 hours a week when your husband works double that number.

<>

OOOOOOOOH MYYYYYYY GOD! I CAN'T BELIEVE I JUST READ THAT! If that is what you think, welllllll, what can I say. Because as a SAHM I KNOW how important a father is to their child at ANY age.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-03-2003 - 1:18am
A zillion? Really, was it a zillion? Because, *sigh*, funny, I don't remember seeing it ONCE in all the post that I have read from you. Seems if you said it a zillion times it would have been in at least one that I read. oh well....sigh....
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-03-2003 - 1:22am
It is interesting that you are the first post to mention this. I applied to med school today. And my parents are absolutely flipping over the prospect of dh becoming the SAHD and me going to school everyday. FLIPPING! I am being told in many awful ways that I may as well move out of the house into a dorm because I am abandonning my children. But when I was studying for the MCAT (admissions exam) dh and I were passing ships. The kids always had a parent caring for them, though. And we did the best relationship wise all around. It was FANTASTIC! I think it depends on the personality types in a family. I can be very demanding and a perfectionist. When I was studying though, I gave it up and was quite pleasant to be around. DH can be a slacker about helping around the house. But when he had a greater bulk of time to be exposed to the consequences of slacking he totally shaped up. And we each had a greater appreciation for each other. And the kids were getting more consistent discipline too. So, it takes all kinds of families I guess. Lena (a lurker who happened on this board just today)
Avatar for virgogirl914
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 07-03-2003 - 1:36am
While I thank you for understanding that I have my own reasons for WOHFT, I HATE the 'well, you work because you *have* to' argument.

If moms WOH isn't in the best interest of children, it isn't in the best interest of ANY child. . .not the children of have to WOHMs or choose to WOHMs.

If have to WOHMs aren't doing anything 'wrong', then I don't understand why a chose to. . .or a have to but make plenty of money to have a few extras WOHMs are doing anything 'wrong' either.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-03-2003 - 1:37am
But see THAT'S where you are wrong. You ARE judging ALL WOHM's. Because, you alone, can not possibly know the difference between WOHM's who HAVE to work and WOHM's who choose to work. So, therefore. you ARE judging ALL WOHM's. Remember, appearances can be deceiving.



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-03-2003 - 6:48am
"fathers are/can be rather superfluous in the day-to-day things."

Maybe in your home but not in mine. My DH has always been a very big part of our DD's day to day lives.

Hey CLW are you out there? I think this poster backs up your point that for some SAHM's all the father is is a paycheck.


Edited 7/3/2003 8:01:47 AM ET by texigan

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-03-2003 - 6:56am
You do not see a difference between being away from the home 40 hours per week and being away from the home 80 hours a week?

The two parents working 40 hours a week a piece each have 40 more hours a week with their children then your DH does. You don't think that that 40 hours makes a difference?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2000
Thu, 07-03-2003 - 7:22am


Speaking as the mother of a child whose father is dead, and wasn't involved on a day-to-day basis even when he was alive, I can't even begin to tell you how just plain WRONG you are.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-03-2003 - 7:45am
Apparently. Like someone else said. Those poor spouses. Her daughter is learning that HER own needs need be met by someone in the family, on her own terms, but she only need ever meet anyone elses at her own convenience.

I'm surprised by this all though, as I never realized that the idea of meeting someone elses needs on THEIR terms, rather than MINE, was something I didn't need to do until I became a Mother. Been doing it all my life, without at second thought, actually. I suppose somewhere deep down here, is the reason why so many Mothers have such a darn hard time coming to terms with the demands of Motherhood. Totally new concept for some, I guess, having inconvenient demands not of their won choosing, placed upon them. I wasn't in that position, and I'll do what I can to see that my kids aren't either.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-03-2003 - 9:40am
Not true. Not every job in the world has set hours. Not every job in the world is performed during the day.

Pages