Are mega hours ok if you have a SAHP?

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Are mega hours ok if you have a SAHP?
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Wed, 06-18-2003 - 11:00am
This is kind a a spin off from the equalty and careers thread. I have been reading many posts from the thread about SAHPs who have spouses who work lots of hours. Is it OK for one spouse to work 80 hours a week (assuming it's his choice), as long as there is a SAHP with the kids? Is it OK to to be a workaholic or career driven and come home at 10pm and leave the house at dawn because you have career goals that require those kinds of hours? Is that fair to the kids and ultimately fair to the relationship between dad and the child to assume the position that as long as mom is home, dad can be gone all the time?

Personally, it would make me crazy to have my dh at work 100 hours a week, regardless of my employment status. Crazy because I wouldn't want to have to handle everything that pertains to home and kids and crazy worrying that the kids were not developing a close relationship with dad. There is something to be said, IMHO, for dad beng the one to show up at some of the parent meetings, events, etc.

My bro commutes to NYC daily. He leaves at 4:30am and doesn't get home til 8-9pm every night. He misses just about everything having to with his kids and does not even get to eat one meal with them during the week. That would make me nuts.

Is it ok to have an absent parent if the other parent is a SAHP?

Susan

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-1999
Thu, 07-03-2003 - 10:02am
He agrees. He is a great father, but I do 80-90% of the child rearing in our family. It works for us.

C

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-03-2003 - 10:07am
Let me be the first to tell you that IMO your family's priorities are screwed up. For a child with one workaholic parent, it doesn't make any difference whether or not the other parent works or is AH. They are still missing the parent they don't see.

Because your son has you, his father is "superfluous"? This is the antithesis of my family's philosophy. Each of us builds strong bonds with all other family members. DH and I both work reasonable hours. We each get a balance of all things: work, money, individual time.

No, you getting a job wouldn't help your son. But whether you spend 24/7 with ds for 19 years or not, he's still missing something very vital with his dad gone so much. Shame on your DH.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-03-2003 - 10:10am
I think (hope?) that you are confusing child rearing with child care.

I've been a SAHM. And even when I was, dh was just as big of an influence on our children as I was. I did 75-90% of the child 'care'. I changed the diapers. I made the meals. I did the laundry. But as to child 'rearing'? That implies the instillation of values, ethics and morals. That implies the type of discipline used. That implies providing food and shelter and clothing. That implies the education of the child. That implies a lot of things that, IMO, a father should have as much influence on as the mother, be she SAH or WOH.

I do sincerely hope that your husband's ideas on discipline are important. That he contributes to the education of his children. That his male influence is important. And I hope that his morals, values adn ehtics are given as much weight as yours. WEll, maybe not .. because he's currently teaching his kid that its okay to never see daddy because daddy would rather work 80 hours a week.

Hollie

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-1999
Thu, 07-03-2003 - 10:13am
The fact of the matter is, I know my friend's financial situation, she could afford to stay home if she really wanted to, but the trips to Jamaica and SUV are MORE important to her. I'm not making assumptions, she's a good friend and I know quite a bit about her finacial situation--more than you do. I'm not making assumptions about her, I used her as an example b/c I am intimately acquainted with her situation, you aren't. And no, if the mom is working for the Corolla and 1500 sq. ft. house, that is something else. I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT WOMEN WHO WORK TO PUT FOOD ON THE TABLE. I've stated before that my gripe is with women who are working for materialistic gain. I think it is wrong to put a desire for THINGS before your kids.

And before you throw my husbands 80 hour weeks at me, he works that many hours b/c he is in management. He is helping people: his job involves helping people plan for their financial future and helping his employees succeed in their industry. He get paid well, but he is also contributing to the greater good. Again I state that it's apples and oranges to a mom who is slaving away to buy more and more stuff (and no, I'm not talking about the teachers out there or any of that...there is a select group I'm singling out here). Sheesh. Christi

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-1999
Thu, 07-03-2003 - 10:15am
Honestly? Yes, I do think he misses his dad less b/c he's with me. My DS is total momma's boy...most 17 month olds I know are. Say what you want, it works for our family. Christi
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-1999
Thu, 07-03-2003 - 10:19am
How do you know I can't tell? You don't. And I'm not judging all WOHMs, I have some very good friends who WOH...I'm even the backup sitter for one. There is a select group I'm talking about, and it's not your average WOHM. C
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-1999
Thu, 07-03-2003 - 10:20am
Using your logic, we should also judge all Muslims b/c of what the Sept. 11 attackers did. I mean, we can't tell by looking at them whether or not they're a terrorist...

PFFFFTTTTTTTTT--Christi

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-1999
Thu, 07-03-2003 - 10:24am
Your family philosphy works for you, ours works for us. DS is a wonderfully adjusted, happy little guy. He doesn't miss his father anymore than I miss my husband b/c this is all he has ever known.

I have NEVER met a group of more judgemental people in my LIFE! Shame on YOU for passing judgement on a man you've never met! Christi

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-03-2003 - 10:27am
So, now a choose to WOHM is okay if she has a job that contributes to the greater good? oh geesh ...

And, not all management types have to work 80 hour weeks. And, if he really wanted to, your dh could change jobs to one that didn't require 80 hour weeks. When it cmoes down to it, he CHOOSES to work that much.

Hollie

Avatar for virgogirl914
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 07-03-2003 - 10:27am
As a military wife. . .with a son only a year older than yours. . .and, as I've said before, I don't see how one parent can 'make up' for the absence of another.

My children certainly miss their father when he is away. . .of course, I don't consider him to be superfluous. That might influence their bond.

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