Are mega hours ok if you have a SAHP?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Are mega hours ok if you have a SAHP?
1499
Wed, 06-18-2003 - 11:00am
This is kind a a spin off from the equalty and careers thread. I have been reading many posts from the thread about SAHPs who have spouses who work lots of hours. Is it OK for one spouse to work 80 hours a week (assuming it's his choice), as long as there is a SAHP with the kids? Is it OK to to be a workaholic or career driven and come home at 10pm and leave the house at dawn because you have career goals that require those kinds of hours? Is that fair to the kids and ultimately fair to the relationship between dad and the child to assume the position that as long as mom is home, dad can be gone all the time?

Personally, it would make me crazy to have my dh at work 100 hours a week, regardless of my employment status. Crazy because I wouldn't want to have to handle everything that pertains to home and kids and crazy worrying that the kids were not developing a close relationship with dad. There is something to be said, IMHO, for dad beng the one to show up at some of the parent meetings, events, etc.

My bro commutes to NYC daily. He leaves at 4:30am and doesn't get home til 8-9pm every night. He misses just about everything having to with his kids and does not even get to eat one meal with them during the week. That would make me nuts.

Is it ok to have an absent parent if the other parent is a SAHP?

Susan

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-1999
Thu, 07-03-2003 - 10:44am
Actutally, you'd have to put her in the Mercedes and trips to Europe group. The average SUV is a bit pedestrian for her. Plus, she's in her mid-fifties, her kids are older and she took time off to be with them when they were young, so more power to her, I say! Christi
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2000
Thu, 07-03-2003 - 10:45am
Well the thing is, if she truly hated it, she would change it. It's not always easy, but you can sell things. If it were something she truly wanted to do, she would probably put the effort into scaling down.

When I hear these stories coming from the MSAHM's that are judging them, I can't help but feel that there's a possibility the "friend" in question is telling the MSAHM in question what she thinks she wants to hear, so she'll get off her case about it.


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-1999
Thu, 07-03-2003 - 10:46am
He's not miserable though. And that's the thing. He loves his job. He love providing for his family while helping new associates become succesful and helping clients plan for the future. So why does it matter how many hours a week he works if he's got me to hold down the homefront? I just don't understand. Christi
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-1999
Thu, 07-03-2003 - 10:47am
The thing is, I'm not "on her case about it." She's the one who always tells me how lucky I am that I "get" to SAH b/c she's trapped in a job she hates. I don't usually mention it. My friends and I have better things to talk about than the SAH vs WOH debate, I have you all for that. Christi
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2000
Thu, 07-03-2003 - 10:47am
Because having someone to hold down the homefront is not that same as interacting with and developing a relationship with his child.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-03-2003 - 10:49am
OK, so if you do your "tour of duty" as a SAHM when your kids are young, it's OK to work for the luxury cars and trips when you're older? Just want to be clear. How long do I have to SAH to qualify? Just long enough for my law degree and 13 years of work experience to be totally useless?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-03-2003 - 10:52am
For a lot of reasons.

You are an enabler - enabling him to cling to the "parent" role and also be a workaholic. Wouldn't you call a WOHM who worked 80 hours a week a terrible mother, even if her DH were a SAHD?

How many mothers could seriously work that many hours a week and still have children?

Yet it's better for your son to see you 24/7 and see your DH 88/168 than for your DH to work 45 or 50 hours a week, and you to bring in some income? I just don't get it.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-03-2003 - 10:53am
Your husband COULD get another job. Would it be in teh same field? Mabye not. Would it pay as well? Maybe not. Would it be as meaningful to him? Maybe not. But he DOES have that choice.

Hollie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-03-2003 - 10:54am
We're not making excuses for her behavior. What we're doing is trying to show you that just because she appears to work for things, you can't make that judgement about other WOHMs .. even if they "appear" to be working for things.

Hollie

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-1999
Thu, 07-03-2003 - 10:55am
He has a relationship with his son. They have daddy/son rituals that are "their" thing. Every morning, DH gets up with DS and gives him his bottle and spends 1/2 hour or so cuddling and talking and spending time together. On Friday afternoons, he comes home at 4pm to hang out w/DS and me...usually we go to the park or out to dinner. Then Saturday afternoon and all of Sunday are for more family time. It works. DS loves his daddy and looks forward to their rituals and special time together. Christi

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