Are mega hours ok if you have a SAHP?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Are mega hours ok if you have a SAHP?
1499
Wed, 06-18-2003 - 11:00am
This is kind a a spin off from the equalty and careers thread. I have been reading many posts from the thread about SAHPs who have spouses who work lots of hours. Is it OK for one spouse to work 80 hours a week (assuming it's his choice), as long as there is a SAHP with the kids? Is it OK to to be a workaholic or career driven and come home at 10pm and leave the house at dawn because you have career goals that require those kinds of hours? Is that fair to the kids and ultimately fair to the relationship between dad and the child to assume the position that as long as mom is home, dad can be gone all the time?

Personally, it would make me crazy to have my dh at work 100 hours a week, regardless of my employment status. Crazy because I wouldn't want to have to handle everything that pertains to home and kids and crazy worrying that the kids were not developing a close relationship with dad. There is something to be said, IMHO, for dad beng the one to show up at some of the parent meetings, events, etc.

My bro commutes to NYC daily. He leaves at 4:30am and doesn't get home til 8-9pm every night. He misses just about everything having to with his kids and does not even get to eat one meal with them during the week. That would make me nuts.

Is it ok to have an absent parent if the other parent is a SAHP?

Susan

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 07-03-2003 - 3:35pm
i don't share your confidence that you can read other women's minds, nor would i claim to have a "friendship" with a person i hold in abject contempt. really, i'm sure this one is worn to the bone. you are self-righteous and a hypocrite, which to my thinking is even worse than being materialistic, anyway. how was it you put it: “to each her own”?--thank you very much.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-03-2003 - 3:39pm
stbxh is soon-to-be-ex-husband .. but I prefer to think of it as sanctimonious-twotiming-bastard-ex-husband ... or severely-tobe-beaten-ex-husband, or .....
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-1999
Thu, 07-03-2003 - 3:43pm
But you're not for judging me. Yeah...that makes perfect sense, in your perfect world, right? Again, insults are hurled at me but nothing substantial said. I'm starting to see how this board works...if we don't like what they say (maybe it hits close to home, or maybe there is a "snarky tone," or maybe we just don't like it for whatever reason) then lets insult the OP.

For the last time, I'm not a mind-reader, but I do make assumptions on what I'm told by people. Haven't you made assumptions about me based on what you've read here? I don't hold my friend in "abject contempt" (in fact, I respect her a heck of a lot more than some of the posters on this board) but I certainly don't understand her or agree with her. So what! My best friend is as liberal as I am conservative and she's still my best friend. I didn't realize that I had to agree with someone on everything to be their friend--that would be awfully boring! I merely threw out my comment for a debate. Goodness--be careful what you wish for! C

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-1999
Thu, 07-03-2003 - 3:47pm
Ah yes...my sister's ex was one of those. He knocked up a bartender 11 months into their marriage. I still pray that his penis shrivels up and falls off someday.

Hugs to you. And as trite and sanctimonious as it sounds, my sister is so much happier and better off now. It was hell for her when she went through it, but she says she's a better person for it.

I'm sending lots of prayers and good thoughts to you and the kids and some penis-shriveling thoughts to your soon to be ex. C

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-03-2003 - 3:49pm
She is gone from home 40 hours a week.

Her DH is goen from home 40 hours a week.

Your DH is gone from home 80 hours a week.

Do you really not see a difference? She and her DH each have 40 more hours per week at home then your DH does. You being home does not change that fact.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-1999
Thu, 07-03-2003 - 3:53pm
Well, let's look at it another way: She and her DH are gone 80 hrs a week (40+40=80) and my DH and I are gone 80 hrs a week...do YOU see the difference now?

You say "to-MAY-to," I'll say "to-MAH-to." C

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-03-2003 - 3:59pm
But DH and I are not a monolithic indistinct parental unit. We are individual human beings and parents, with individual relationships with each of our children.

The point is to us it doesn't matter that the children are not with a parent for about 45 hours a week. The point is that Mom and Dad EACH get to see each child as much as possible. That's why it matters if one parent is working 80 hours, or both of us are working 45 hours.

See the difference?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-03-2003 - 4:20pm
You are comparing two people's individual times (40+40) to one persons time (80).

People are not interchangable. The fact that you are there does not change the fact that your son sees his father 40 hours less per week then a child in the dual working family sees each of his parents per week.

The only thing that your being there does is effect the time that you have with your son it does not effect the amount of time that your DH does. Mommy being there does not always make up for Daddy not being there. Do you feel that your DH and yourself changagble in all facets of your life or just in the parenting aspect? In my case we may be interchangable in many areas of our life but parenting is one place we will never be. Our children need their father no less than they need me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-03-2003 - 6:16pm
>>>As I've stated, working for investment gain (ie--retirement funds and college funds) is completely different than working for cars and trips. And if you think I'm wrong, ask your accountant to deduct your expenses for those at tax time and see what he says.

-----

Actually, there is a tax break, recently passed by our oil-loving president which DOES allow small businesses to deduct the cost of their new SUV, weight being over 3 tons, which, many of today's SUVs qualify for. Ask YOUR accountant.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-1999
Thu, 07-03-2003 - 8:10pm
SWEET! How I love that man! Still, I wonder how many FAMILIES (not small business) that will effect...my guess is not THAT many. And I didn't say SUVs in my OP anyway, I said cars. FWIW, we don't have an accountant, DH does our taxes! ;) C

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