Are mega hours ok if you have a SAHP?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Are mega hours ok if you have a SAHP?
1499
Wed, 06-18-2003 - 11:00am
This is kind a a spin off from the equalty and careers thread. I have been reading many posts from the thread about SAHPs who have spouses who work lots of hours. Is it OK for one spouse to work 80 hours a week (assuming it's his choice), as long as there is a SAHP with the kids? Is it OK to to be a workaholic or career driven and come home at 10pm and leave the house at dawn because you have career goals that require those kinds of hours? Is that fair to the kids and ultimately fair to the relationship between dad and the child to assume the position that as long as mom is home, dad can be gone all the time?

Personally, it would make me crazy to have my dh at work 100 hours a week, regardless of my employment status. Crazy because I wouldn't want to have to handle everything that pertains to home and kids and crazy worrying that the kids were not developing a close relationship with dad. There is something to be said, IMHO, for dad beng the one to show up at some of the parent meetings, events, etc.

My bro commutes to NYC daily. He leaves at 4:30am and doesn't get home til 8-9pm every night. He misses just about everything having to with his kids and does not even get to eat one meal with them during the week. That would make me nuts.

Is it ok to have an absent parent if the other parent is a SAHP?

Susan

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-1999
Thu, 07-03-2003 - 8:14pm
Like I said, DS is a toddler and DH is rather superfluous in the day-to-day operation of things. I got flamed (more like BBQed) for it, but I stand by that statement. Do I see him taking on a larger role as our son becomes a man? Absolutely! But right now, he doesn't NEED to be at home more than he is. And it's not like the man NEVER takes a day off...or never spends a day away from the office. Sheesh.

And no, I don't see us as interchangable at all. For one thing, DH doesn't have breasts or ovaries. But can I teach my son to throw, hit, or kick a ball? Um, yeah! Can I wrestle around with him? Yup! At this stage, I can do everything DH can do, but he can't do everything I can do. I expect that will change as DS gets older, and when it does, we'll change right along with it! C

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-1999
Thu, 07-03-2003 - 8:19pm
I see the difference to you, but DH and I view it differently. DH and I would rather have one of us (him) working mega-hours and the other w/our son all the time. We aren't a monolithic parenting unit either, but at this stage in DS's life, he needs his mommy around A LOT more than his daddy. And, while you're happy having your kids with a DCP 45 hours a week, we aren't. We want him at home with mommy.

Obviously you and your DH are doing what you feel is in the best interest of your family...DH and I are doing what is in the best interest of ours. C

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-1999
Thu, 07-03-2003 - 8:20pm
See my reply to the previous post. C
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-03-2003 - 8:37pm
"At this stage, I can do everything DH can do, but he can't do everything I can do".

Didn't you say in an ealier post that DH gives your son bottles in the morning so obviously breasts are not needed for feedings. So what magical trick of parenting can you do that your DH cannot do?

So when does this magic age happen that all of a sudden fathers are important?

I was a SAHM for the first 12 years after we had kids and I still saw myself as no less important then he was.

In many cases the mother becomes more important because that is the way the mother wants it and the way she sets is up. The father becomes the secondary parent not because they cannot parent in the same ways that mothers can but because they are not allowed to.


Edited 7/3/2003 8:49:12 PM ET by texigan

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-1999
Thu, 07-03-2003 - 8:44pm
I'm the mommy and DH can't be that. FTR, how do you know DH isn't feeding EBM in that bottle? Tsk, tsk, assumptions, assumptions.

I don't think there is a magical age...I can't say now how old DS will be when he'll start needing me less and DH more, but I know it will happen some day. Until then, we'll keep going as we are now.

It's great that you've never seen your DH as superfluous, but I'm not you. My DH isn't your DH. And the fact of the matter is, he isn't as important in our DS's life as I am. He'd tell you the same thing. I'm not saying he's not important, but right now our son needs his mother more than his father. It is as simple (to us) as that. C

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Thu, 07-03-2003 - 9:13pm
Some men would rather be at work than at home. You've heard of that, haven't you?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Thu, 07-03-2003 - 9:18pm
But it doesn't bother her, does it?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-1999
Thu, 07-03-2003 - 9:18pm
If I were your husband, that's what I'd do...
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-1999
Thu, 07-03-2003 - 9:19pm
What doesn't bother her? The fact that she works? She complains about it enough, I'm going to have to say that it does...C
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-03-2003 - 9:26pm
As a single Mom, I find your dismissal of Fathers digusting, insulting and stupid.

My son's father was and is a HUGE DAILY influence in my son's life and if he had not been, our son would not be the amazing young man he is now.

I pity your children *and* your dh; your attitude towards his role in parenting is revolting.

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