Are mega hours ok if you have a SAHP?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Are mega hours ok if you have a SAHP?
1499
Wed, 06-18-2003 - 11:00am
This is kind a a spin off from the equalty and careers thread. I have been reading many posts from the thread about SAHPs who have spouses who work lots of hours. Is it OK for one spouse to work 80 hours a week (assuming it's his choice), as long as there is a SAHP with the kids? Is it OK to to be a workaholic or career driven and come home at 10pm and leave the house at dawn because you have career goals that require those kinds of hours? Is that fair to the kids and ultimately fair to the relationship between dad and the child to assume the position that as long as mom is home, dad can be gone all the time?

Personally, it would make me crazy to have my dh at work 100 hours a week, regardless of my employment status. Crazy because I wouldn't want to have to handle everything that pertains to home and kids and crazy worrying that the kids were not developing a close relationship with dad. There is something to be said, IMHO, for dad beng the one to show up at some of the parent meetings, events, etc.

My bro commutes to NYC daily. He leaves at 4:30am and doesn't get home til 8-9pm every night. He misses just about everything having to with his kids and does not even get to eat one meal with them during the week. That would make me nuts.

Is it ok to have an absent parent if the other parent is a SAHP?

Susan

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-1999
Thu, 07-03-2003 - 10:33pm
Wow! Either you're really cynical or just plain stupid. How is it that you can't comprehend a business professional working for the greater good?

Isn't making money the whole basis of our capitalistic economy? What's wrong with wealth-building? It's WRONG for my DH to help others build their wealth in order to plan for retirement, or send their kids to college, or allow their wife to SAH with their kids! Oh my! We should be ashamed!

My DH doesn't need to parade me in front of his clients, he's doing quite well himself, thank you. Word of mouth travels fast when you are as honest and decent and as good at what you do as my DH. You might not think he's helping people, but I'd bet our retirement fund that his clients disagree! And isn't that what really matters?

C

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-1999
Thu, 07-03-2003 - 10:35pm
That's your opinion. I happen to disagree that my husband's field is based on GREED. I'm not even commenting on the WOHMs comment b/c you're wrong about that. I've addressed my views on that is sooo many other posts.... C
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-1999
Thu, 07-03-2003 - 10:36pm
Gee, you mean someone other than my DH works that many hours...you'd never know it from the flames I've gotten today! ;) Christi
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-1999
Thu, 07-03-2003 - 10:38pm
Pfffftttt...doubt it! Although it might make a point better than you. You haven't been able to make a point this entire thread, now have you? C
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-03-2003 - 11:06pm
I actually have have made quite a few points. The fact the you are UNABLE to debate the points is not MY problem. It's yours. And I would like you to point out where I have insulted you. Because I haven't. The points I have made were:

1. That you pass judgement WOHM's who *CHOOSE* to work 40 hours. When in reality (beside these friends of yours with whom your so financially intimate) you have no place to judge because there is NO WAY you can tell who has to work and who doesn't.

2. You judge a women who chooses to work 40 hours a week (saying that it is "wrong") while your husband works double that.

3. You have insulted all fathers by saying their role is not important in the younger years. Wrong, wrong, wrong. Fathers play an incredibly important role in their child's life from birth on. It's not you husband's working so much that is troublesome, but the fact that you would say something so insulting about the role of a father.

4. You have not proven YOUR ablity to debate. You have proven you have effective use of PFFFFFFFT, that you get defensive when others question your lifestyle, but have no problem saying someone elses choices are "wrong" (i.e CHOOSEWOHM), you get snarky when you are unable to debate good counterpoints to your argument, AND you haven't seen the hypocrisy in your judgement of WOHM's who choose to work as it relates to the number of hours your husband is not home.

These are all good points. YOUR inability to debate does not diminish that. Besides, all you have to do is look at all the other post in this thread and I can see that I am in good company with my points and opinions on this subject.



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-03-2003 - 11:44pm
>>>Isn't making money the whole basis of our capitalistic economy? What's wrong with wealth-building? It's WRONG for my DH to help others build their wealth in order to plan for retirement, or send their kids to college, or allow their wife to SAH with their kids! Oh my! We should be ashamed!

------

I'm confused. I thought you put down your friend because she was able to afford an SUV with the added wealth she brought in to her household. So, which is it? Wealth building is good or wealth building is bad? Or is it only good if the dad is bringing in the wealth and bad if the mom is bringing in the wealth?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-1999
Thu, 07-03-2003 - 11:49pm
1. That you pass judgement WOHM's who *CHOOSE* to work 40 hours. When in reality (beside these friends of yours with whom your so financially intimate) you have no place to judge because there is NO WAY you can tell who has to work and who doesn't.

Could you kindly show me again where I've passed judgement on ALL WOHMs? I missed that post, I guess. I've specifically said that I'm passing judgement on a woman I know IRL. Interesting that I know her intimately (yup, finances and all), y'all don't, but you're awfully quick to defend her. I have no right to judge HER, a woman I'm intimately acquainted with, but YOU have a right to judge me? Aren't you the pot calling this kettle black. Doesn't that make you just as much of a hypocrite as you claim me to be?

2. You judge a women who chooses to work 40 hours a week (saying that it is "wrong") while your husband works double that.

It is wrong b/c she's working for all the wrong reasons. Heck, she'd probably tell you that herself. What I can't get over is how upset everyone is that I'm judging HER, but no one seems to have a problem JUDGING me. That is the HEIGHT of hypocrasy. Why don't you people walk the walk instead of merely talking the talk?

My husband works twice her hours (sometimes, sometimes he only works 60 hour weeks, depends on the week), but he is NOT working solely for materialistic gain. And yes, I realize this is where some posters and I have clashed b/c they see him as greedy and selfish for working oodles of hours in a job he loves (okay, it's selfish for him to work 80 hrs a week at a job he loves, is good at, and feels he is helping people by doing, but not selfish for them to work 40 hours a week b/c they want to?). But I don't buy that, I think it's all about your perception. What if he worked 80 hrs a week b/c he didn't want his kid in daycare? Is THAT selfish? Where exactly does one draw that line? FOR MY FAMILY, the line is this: he works to live, he doesn't live to work. He works now to put away for the future, so he won't have to work if he doesn't want to! And yes, he works longer weeks than the average Joe Schmoe, but when he retires in nine years at the age of 40, it will be worth it to him. When he can afford to send DS to an Ivy League college w/o mortgaging our home or having DS take out boatloads of loans, if DS so chooses to go that route (and it is soooo up to him to make that call), then I'm sure it will be worth it to DS. I'm quite sure my DH's clients appreciate his dedication, and when my SIL could afford to quit her job and stay home w/my nephew, I know she appreciated DH's role in making that happen.

I think that working SOLELY for "things" like a swanky car, obscenely large house, exotic trips instead of spending time with your kid is wrong. My DH doesn't fit that description, that's not why he's working 80 hr weeks.

3. You have insulted all fathers by saying their role is not important in the younger years. Wrong, wrong, wrong. Fathers play an incredibly important role in their child's life from birth on. It's not you husband's working so much that is troublesome, but the fact that you would say something so insulting about the role of a father.

I haven't insulted all fathers...that's the kind of blanket statement you attack me for allegedly making. I know for a fact that I didn't insult my DH, my daddy, or FIL (yup, I actually asked them their opinion of all of this when I spoke to them today). They happen to agree with me that the mother plays a far more critical role in a toddler's day-to-day life than a father. All three of the daddies in my life agree with me! I didn't say that wouldn't change as DS got older (in fact, I specifically said in another post that I expect it will), but as a TODDLER, DS needs me more than his daddy. Who does the bulk of the childcare in most families? The mommy. Y'all may not like it, but studies have shown time and time again that mommies bear more of the childcare burden than daddies. It's not like I'm advocating single motherhood for all...I realize that men are more than penises and sperm, but the fact is that my DH IS rather superfluous in the day to day childcare of DS. How that statement was an insult to all fathers is beyond me...if DH wasn't insulted, why should anyone else be?


4. You have not proven YOUR ablity to debate. You have proven you have effective use of PFFFFFFFT, that you get defensive when others question your lifestyle, but have no problem saying someone elses choices are "wrong" (i.e CHOOSEWOHM), you get snarky when you are unable to debate good counterpoints to your argument, AND you haven't seen the hypocrisy in your judgement of WOHM's who choose to work as it relates to the number of hours your husband is not home.

I GET DEFENSIVE? Puh-leeze, I've been called a whore, told my husband is a bad father, told my husband is going to trade me in for a newer model, DH has been called "the geeky accountant type" and cheap, not to mention selfish and greedy. In spite of that, I've made excellent counterpoints (see above) to the arguments presented to me. And if I did it with a bit of sarcastic flair, well, that's my writing style. C

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-1999
Thu, 07-03-2003 - 11:50pm
Neither. It depends on the motivation for bringing in the wealth, something y'all have failed to understand this entire thread. C
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-04-2003 - 12:29am
What makes you so sure we live in the same country? I guess I should have expected jingoism with your revolting and disgusting dismissal of fathers.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-1999
Fri, 07-04-2003 - 12:34am
I guess you missed the flag flying proudly by my name?

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