Are mega hours ok if you have a SAHP?

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Are mega hours ok if you have a SAHP?
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Wed, 06-18-2003 - 11:00am
This is kind a a spin off from the equalty and careers thread. I have been reading many posts from the thread about SAHPs who have spouses who work lots of hours. Is it OK for one spouse to work 80 hours a week (assuming it's his choice), as long as there is a SAHP with the kids? Is it OK to to be a workaholic or career driven and come home at 10pm and leave the house at dawn because you have career goals that require those kinds of hours? Is that fair to the kids and ultimately fair to the relationship between dad and the child to assume the position that as long as mom is home, dad can be gone all the time?

Personally, it would make me crazy to have my dh at work 100 hours a week, regardless of my employment status. Crazy because I wouldn't want to have to handle everything that pertains to home and kids and crazy worrying that the kids were not developing a close relationship with dad. There is something to be said, IMHO, for dad beng the one to show up at some of the parent meetings, events, etc.

My bro commutes to NYC daily. He leaves at 4:30am and doesn't get home til 8-9pm every night. He misses just about everything having to with his kids and does not even get to eat one meal with them during the week. That would make me nuts.

Is it ok to have an absent parent if the other parent is a SAHP?

Susan

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-04-2003 - 10:00am
No it wouldnt. Bankers, by and large, aren't that insecure.
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-04-2003 - 10:10am
Are you sure thats all she loves - what she "does".

Becuase quite honestly, if she doesn't love all the other perks, she could always give the money to a women's charity, and be able to do even more of the only thing she really loves most - helping women.

I am sure there are obygyns out there who do what they do just to help women. They probably all but volunteer their time. It doesn't sound like yours is one of them.

Avatar for mama2gigi
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-04-2003 - 10:44am
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This argument doesn't hold water at all! If a family only needs $10K to survive comfortably, then mom only needs to work pt, period! The argument about 'what if she can't find a pt job and just absolutely has to take the ft $40K job'... OMG that had me ROTFLMAO. Like that actually happens to people. Most people have trouble finding ft jobs.... their trouble is not that they just can't help but make an extra $30K a year. Even if the pt job is not the exact job the woman is looking for it's still worth it to take that job and be home with your kids more than to take the ft job just b/c it's a more prestigious job. A.

Andrea...
mom

Avatar for mama2gigi
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-04-2003 - 10:54am
I think what's being said here is that although her DH maintains a strong relationship with his DS it is not AS strong as the relationship has with her, b/c she's home with him all day everyday.

Therefore, it can be concluded that the relationship between a WOHM and their child would be as comprimised. The strongest bond must be between the child and their DCP. Now that's just sad.

A.

Andrea...
mom

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2002
Fri, 07-04-2003 - 11:17am
"The argument about 'what if she can't find a pt job and just absolutely has to take the ft $40K job'... OMG that had me ROTFLMAO. Like that actually happens to people. Most people have trouble finding ft jobs...."

Um, actually I would have to disagree with the above statement. As hard is it can be to find a ft job, it can be and usually is MUCH harder to find a pt job. For one thing, companies often have to give out the full benefits even for pt people and that means that if they have a choice between someone working ft and someone working pt, they'll take the ft person in a heart-beat. Employers do not like pt people in general, which is a shame since I have seen several studies that indicate that pt workers, for the hours they spend working, can be much more productive than ft workers. Going pt in some fields might work, but (to give an rather extreme example) if you have a professional education of some kind, it seems beyond insane to me to drop all of your skills in order to work at a gas station because that might be the only pt choice you have.

They are plenty of ways to work ft and ensure that you have a lot of time with the kids too. It takes flexibility on the part of both parents. Dh works about 45 hours a week (including a lunch break) and I work 37 hours a week, and yet both kids are picked up by 3pm (they spend about 6-7 hours a day at school/daycare, which as far as I can tell, is the normal school day for children of even SAH parents). And, no, I would not be able to keep my job if I went down in my hours, it is the kind of job that requires more than very pt to be effective and for which I have been studying and working for years.

Laura

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Registered: 11-22-2000
Fri, 07-04-2003 - 11:28am
I had the same reaction to her post...I know that among people I know, finding a PT job has been very difficult. Those that have found PT jobs have done it by starting out FT, proving themselves to their employers, and later custom-tailoring a PT position out of their old FT one.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2002
Fri, 07-04-2003 - 11:31am
Maybe because her dh hardly ever sees his son?? 80 hours a week means that he probably sees his son for a few hours on the weekend. How on earth does this compare to kids who are in dc for maybe 6-7 hours a day (as the vast majority of kids I know are)? Even by your own logic (time spent with a child=level of bond) kids in dc still are more bonded to their parents than to dcp since they spend more time with parents. My children are in school/dc for about 6 to 7 hours a day, which translates into 7 hours of awake time at home with a parent. Adding weekends and vacation time (3 month this year that the kids were full time at home), and not even counting the night-time hours (which count in my house because dd has never been a very good sleeper), I and dh have spent a vast deal more time with our kids than than the dc/school personnel have. And the advantage is that *both* dh and I have plenty of time to spend with the kids because we do not have insane schedules. Of course, we won't retire when we are 40, but then we don't actually want to retire that early.

Laura

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Registered: 08-29-2002
Fri, 07-04-2003 - 11:37am
Yup! I was one of the very lucky few who actually started up more pt than I am now (started at 50%, went up to 65% and am now at 80%) and the only reason I could do that is because I am still on a temporary contract and am being paid from a different fund that the full time workers. I am hoping to soon convert the position to something more permanent, but if that happens, I will be required to work at least 80%. Hopefully, I will have proved by then how much I am able to do in that time and so keep to 80%.

Laura

Avatar for mama2gigi
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-04-2003 - 11:51am
I guess which statement holds true depends on where you live. In the part of Canada where I live there is an abundance of pt jobs and people have real trouble finding ft work. Companies here WANT to hire pt'ers b/c they DON'T have to pay them benefits. They can hire 2 pt'ers to do the work of 1 ft'er and they don't have the added expense of benefits. A.

Andrea...
mom

Avatar for mama2gigi
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-04-2003 - 12:05pm
One more thing... I know that it's possible to maintain a strong relationship with your child when you work ft. I worked ft until kid #2 was born and I had a great relationship with DD. I was just pointing out that it was being argued that her DH didn't have a strong bond with his DS b/c he works so much and that he's a momma's boy b/c he spends so much time with his mom... so that must mean that WOHM's children must be more attached, or at least equally attached to their DCP than they are to their own parents. (they spend 45 - 50 waking hours with a DCP and roughly the same with their parents .. assuming their parents never hire a sitter and go out on the weekends)

You seem to have a job that's out of the norm anyway. Most people are not available to pick their children up by 3pm. From what I've seen (co-workers children, children at DD's old daycare, etc.), children are usually dropped off around 7:30 - 8:00am and picked up around 5:15 - 6:00pm. At the very minumum, that's a 7.75 hour day. A.


Andrea...
mom

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