Are mega hours ok if you have a SAHP?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Are mega hours ok if you have a SAHP?
1499
Wed, 06-18-2003 - 11:00am
This is kind a a spin off from the equalty and careers thread. I have been reading many posts from the thread about SAHPs who have spouses who work lots of hours. Is it OK for one spouse to work 80 hours a week (assuming it's his choice), as long as there is a SAHP with the kids? Is it OK to to be a workaholic or career driven and come home at 10pm and leave the house at dawn because you have career goals that require those kinds of hours? Is that fair to the kids and ultimately fair to the relationship between dad and the child to assume the position that as long as mom is home, dad can be gone all the time?

Personally, it would make me crazy to have my dh at work 100 hours a week, regardless of my employment status. Crazy because I wouldn't want to have to handle everything that pertains to home and kids and crazy worrying that the kids were not developing a close relationship with dad. There is something to be said, IMHO, for dad beng the one to show up at some of the parent meetings, events, etc.

My bro commutes to NYC daily. He leaves at 4:30am and doesn't get home til 8-9pm every night. He misses just about everything having to with his kids and does not even get to eat one meal with them during the week. That would make me nuts.

Is it ok to have an absent parent if the other parent is a SAHP?

Susan

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2002
Fri, 07-04-2003 - 12:06pm
Trust me, in the U.S., pt is VERY hard to find. It isn't any easier in Sweden, because even if you are a temp pt person, they still have to provide all of the benefits. In Sweden it is possible to go down to 80% after a child is born (by law your employer must allow this until the youngest is 12 years old). But if you are looking for a pt position almost no employers will hire you...

Laura

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-1999
Fri, 07-04-2003 - 12:06pm
I know what it means, thank you. I am curious how you came to the conclusion that being proud to be an American was jingoism? C
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-1999
Fri, 07-04-2003 - 12:09pm
Wrong, wrong, wrong! I specifically said that I know that fathers are more than a penis and sperm! Again, you're putting words in my mouth. If you're going to make comments about my views, I would think you would read all my posts in the thread...isn't it better to keep ones mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.

Ironic that you think I feel that way about fathers...particularly since I'm adopted, so ejaculation didn't even come into the picture with my dad.

Stop putting words in my mouth, stop insulting me, and start debating. C

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-04-2003 - 12:10pm
Tell that to all the customers who have been duped by their investment companies. It;s now common knowledge (since Enron et al) that most large investment houses have routinely been pushing instruments (stocks, mutual funds, etc), that the investment house ITSELF has a large financial interest in. Tell that to all the people who trusted those people to look out for their investments only to see their money deteriorate into worthless paper, while their investment manager gets rich off commissions. Tell that to my mom's CFP who sat by and let her portfolio lose 75% of it's value because he chose poor investments that netted him large commissions. Tell that to my MIL, who was part of the huge class action suit against Transamerica and Metropolitain, after she bought instruments that were misrepresented by the company and generated no interest for 10 years, yet commissions were routinely being withdrawn and only until investors started fighting back was there a settlement.

Is greed a motivator? You betcha.

Susan

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-1999
Fri, 07-04-2003 - 12:10pm
You're entitled to your opinion, and I'm entitled to mine. To give mine right now would be a blatant violation of TOS, so I'm going to keep it to myself. C
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-1999
Fri, 07-04-2003 - 12:14pm
It's not the fact that you can deduct it on your taxes that is selfless, it's the motivation behind it. Clearly saving for retirement and college education is in a different class than buying cars, trips, etc...if you disagree, then I suggest you lobby your congressmen or whatever representative you have in YOUR country to change that. Until then, I hold tight in my belief that it is comparing apples to oranges. SIGH

Do I need to start explaining things to you like I would to my 17 month old (smaller words, maybe)...I think he would have a better grasp of this than you do. C

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2002
Fri, 07-04-2003 - 12:17pm
"You seem to have a job that's out of the norm anyway. Most people are not available to pick their children up by 3pm. From what I've seen (co-workers children, children at DD's old daycare, etc.), children are usually dropped off around 7:30 - 8:00am and picked up around 5:15 - 6:00pm. At the very minumum, that's a 7.75 hour day."

Actually, no my situation is not that unusual around where I live. Dh and I juggled our schedules so it would work out that way. Dh does all of the dropping off so ds starts school at 8am and dd starts dc at 8:30am, and dh starts work at 9am (usually home by 6ish in the evening). I start work between 7 and 7:30am and work until 2:30ish pm tues-fri. I work a full day on mondays so that I have shorter hours on tue-friday. Dh picks up the kids early on mondays and goes back to work in the evening after the kids are in bed to make up the hours. End result is that dd is in dc from about 8:30 to 2:30ish (roughly) and ds is in school from about 8 to 3 (he prefers me to pick him up after dd).

What might be unusual about our situation is that we live and work within 10 minutes of dc and school (5 minute drive from work to dc and about 10 minute drive to school after that). Home is 10 minutes from school and work. But then we planned very carefully where to buy our house so that all the commutes would be very short. Most people in my dept. start work between 7 and 7:30am so I am not unusual in that way (and they mostly do it for the same reason). I have to say that at dd's dc, most kids don't come in before 8-8:30am and by 3pm the place is more than half-empty.

Laura

Avatar for mama2gigi
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-04-2003 - 12:22pm
Well I guess that shows how different people's lives and work situations can be and why we should all be very careful when whe judge people that we don't even know. What works for some may not work for others. BUT.. having said that, I still personally believe that if it can be worked out financially, that it's better for mom to be home at least pt rather than using ft DC. JMO. A.

Andrea...
mom

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2002
Fri, 07-04-2003 - 12:22pm
Oh, and I forgot to add that I think there is a point beyond which it is very hard to have a meaningful relationship with someone. If you only see your parent for, at the most, a few hours a week (as would be the case with someone working 80+ hours a week), it is very hard to maintain a close relationship. My brother worked those kinds of hours for years when his kids were little and when he finally cut back to a more normal schedule, he was shocked to discover just how little he knew his children or they him.

Laura

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-1999
Fri, 07-04-2003 - 12:24pm
Why would I? I don't understand why anyone should have to "see" a marriage to make one work...I don't think you can see a marriage unless you're truly in it. My grandparents were married 54 and 35 years respectively (until death did part them). My parents are at 40 years and going strong (GASP, even though he worked 60+ hr weeks when I was a toddler, oh, but according to YOUR logic he'll be leaving my mom for his trophy wife any day now ). My twin sister, divorced. DH and I, going strong--it will be six years for us at the end of the month. I didn't realize the amt. of time spouses spent together determined the health of their marriage. WOW, my sister's ex missed that memo, he knocked up a bartender when he was a full-time-student overseas and she was living with him, spending d*mn near every waking moment with him. Yup, great marriage that was, but they spent LOTS of time together.

DH is a child of divorce and he is hell-bent and determined to make our marriage work, lest his child suffer like he did through his parents divorce. FIL says he's glad he got DH out of the situation when he did, he'd rather DH see no marriage at all than a bad one. Of course, now FIL and MIL have been married 16 years and they're wonderful...shall I continue? Do you really want to hear about every good marriage in our lives...there is BIL and SIL (the other SAHM)...I could go on and on, but I think you get my point.

NO ONE KNOWS WHAT IS GOING ON INSIDE A MARRIAGE UNLESS THEY'RE INTIMATELY INVOLVED IN THE MARRIAGE...ie--the husband or the wife. Illusions are sometimes just that, illusions. C

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