Are mega hours ok if you have a SAHP?

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Are mega hours ok if you have a SAHP?
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Wed, 06-18-2003 - 11:00am
This is kind a a spin off from the equalty and careers thread. I have been reading many posts from the thread about SAHPs who have spouses who work lots of hours. Is it OK for one spouse to work 80 hours a week (assuming it's his choice), as long as there is a SAHP with the kids? Is it OK to to be a workaholic or career driven and come home at 10pm and leave the house at dawn because you have career goals that require those kinds of hours? Is that fair to the kids and ultimately fair to the relationship between dad and the child to assume the position that as long as mom is home, dad can be gone all the time?

Personally, it would make me crazy to have my dh at work 100 hours a week, regardless of my employment status. Crazy because I wouldn't want to have to handle everything that pertains to home and kids and crazy worrying that the kids were not developing a close relationship with dad. There is something to be said, IMHO, for dad beng the one to show up at some of the parent meetings, events, etc.

My bro commutes to NYC daily. He leaves at 4:30am and doesn't get home til 8-9pm every night. He misses just about everything having to with his kids and does not even get to eat one meal with them during the week. That would make me nuts.

Is it ok to have an absent parent if the other parent is a SAHP?

Susan

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Registered: 08-29-2002
Fri, 07-04-2003 - 12:39pm
Yes very true! But I think that the attitude of the parent at home can help foster that bond as well as effort on the part of the parent who is away to stay in as close of contact as possible. Certainly we have a very close relationship with my family despite the thousands of miles in between. But then we (on both sides) work very hard to maintain that relationship because we all feel it is very important. OTOH, I have to wonder how much effort is put into fostering a relationship between a father and child if both mother and father feel that the father is essentially superfluous (as the OP has repeatedly stated) since the mother is there full-time. I certainly am in no position to judge an individual's relationship with their parent, but I would have to think that belief in the importance of that relationship would be critical to helping maintain it.

Laura

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-04-2003 - 12:40pm
You can backslide all you want, but it doesn't change the fact that you said AND defended saying that fathers aren't important on a scale so large that they can be good parents even if they work 80+/week ON PURPOSE. In my opinion and in the opinions of many, that amounts to showing up with the sperm and little else. You'll just have to get used to the idea that your opinion on the irrelevance of fathers is disgusting to most rational parents.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-04-2003 - 12:42pm
Maybe if you typed the entire diatribe in caps, it might look like you're really trying to convince me, instead of yourself....
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-1999
Fri, 07-04-2003 - 12:44pm
I am soooo tired of you putting words in my mouth. I have stated innumerable times that I am most certainly not judging all WOHMs, I made a statement, based on facts I know IRL about a WOHM I know, IRL. And did I judge her? Absolutely. When did disagreeing with someone's POV/lifestyle turn into backstabbing? (How do you know I haven't told her I think she's working for all the wrong reasons? Again, you don't. It's okay for you to ASSUME and make judgements about me b/c I've got a beef with a type of WOHM and you don't like what I have to say, but it's not okay for me to express my POV? Yeah, that makes sense...in your world.) Are you telling me we have to agree with all of our friends all the time or we're stabbing them in the back? You've never had a friend do something you don't agree with? Probably not, all hail the mighty, self-righteous, WOHM. You're worse than my friend. At least she ADMITS when she's wrong. You just keep insulting and hammering away. Yup, don't agree with it, let's insult it. C
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-1999
Fri, 07-04-2003 - 12:47pm
He is superfluous in the day to day things. I didn't say he was utterly superfluous...and I also stated that he is much more than just a penis and sperm. I also stated that as DS grew into a man, I expected that DH would take on an increasingly larger role. However, at this stage of DS's life (toddler), he needs his mommy more than his daddy. It is what it is, and that's the way it is. C
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Registered: 08-29-2002
Fri, 07-04-2003 - 12:48pm
Did I ever say that it sounded goofy to me to want to have a SAHP?? I was merely pointing out that a SAHP or pt worker could be either the mother or the father. I don't have a hard time understanding wanting to be at home. I spent the first couple of years SAH with each of my kids...we were both very happy with that arrangement. Just as we are now very happy with our working schedules and the fact that dd goes to dc and ds goes to school. Both have benefitted enormously from dc/school. But we also feel that we would rather keep their hours in dc/school to a reasonable amount which is why we neither one of us work intense hours and why we juggle our schedules. And yes, my income has helped us to afford a nice car and a great house, but that is not why I am working...I love what I do, the money is a nice perk. And BTW, not all expensive travel is a luxury that one can do without. My job also helps make it possible for us to visit my family at least once every couple of years.

Laura

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-1999
Fri, 07-04-2003 - 12:49pm
Again...how can you put those words in my mouth when MY FATHER DIDN'T EVEN CONTRIBUTE SPERM. That really bothers me. The contribution of DNA does not make a parent. And I really resent you insinuating that I feel that way when I most certainly do NOT!

And I'm not backsliding. I've posted more than once that DH is superfluous in the day to day things while DS is a TODDLER. He won't be a toddler forever and as he grows into a man, DH will become more and more vital.

C

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-1999
Fri, 07-04-2003 - 12:51pm
Forgive me, aren't you the divorced one and I'm the happily married one? So how exactly do you know more than me about making a marriage work? Other than what not to do, of course? C
Avatar for mama2gigi
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-04-2003 - 12:51pm
I disagree that the OP stated that the other parent is "superfluous" many times. I saw that she said it once and then it was repeated by OP's in MANY subsequent posts. A LOT of people have the opinion that when children are very young mom is more important than dad. Heck, the kids sometimes make that quite clear all on thier own.

My DH has very flexible hours - leaves long before DS wakes up in the a.m. and his home by the time DS wakes from his p.m. nap. Yes, despite how much time DH spends with him, DS clearly prefers me. He cries when I leave, he wants to be consoled by me, he wants me to get his juice, etc.. it's Mommy Mommy Mommy. DH knows he 2nd best in DS's eyes and he's ok with that. He thinks it's awesome that DS and I are so close and he likes the fact that I'm home with him most of the time. (I work 2 day/3 day alternating weeks)

I don't think that just b/c the OP feels that being home with mom is more important that spending tons of time with dad means that she doesn't encouraged her DS to love his father and to enjoy the time he spends with him. I don't think her DH would be so willing to work as hard as he does if he thought she was home trashing him to his DS. LOL

I think people have taken her comments to the absolute extreme for the sake of argument. I guess that's the point of this board, but I don't think it's an accurate portrayal of what she actually said or how she actually feels. A.

Andrea...
mom

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Registered: 08-29-2002
Fri, 07-04-2003 - 12:52pm
Ok, I guess my kids were weird. In the toddler stage they needed both mommy and daddy, even when I was ft SAH. And they'll get both mommy and daddy right through their teenage years as well.

Laura

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