Are mega hours ok if you have a SAHP?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Are mega hours ok if you have a SAHP?
1499
Wed, 06-18-2003 - 11:00am
This is kind a a spin off from the equalty and careers thread. I have been reading many posts from the thread about SAHPs who have spouses who work lots of hours. Is it OK for one spouse to work 80 hours a week (assuming it's his choice), as long as there is a SAHP with the kids? Is it OK to to be a workaholic or career driven and come home at 10pm and leave the house at dawn because you have career goals that require those kinds of hours? Is that fair to the kids and ultimately fair to the relationship between dad and the child to assume the position that as long as mom is home, dad can be gone all the time?

Personally, it would make me crazy to have my dh at work 100 hours a week, regardless of my employment status. Crazy because I wouldn't want to have to handle everything that pertains to home and kids and crazy worrying that the kids were not developing a close relationship with dad. There is something to be said, IMHO, for dad beng the one to show up at some of the parent meetings, events, etc.

My bro commutes to NYC daily. He leaves at 4:30am and doesn't get home til 8-9pm every night. He misses just about everything having to with his kids and does not even get to eat one meal with them during the week. That would make me nuts.

Is it ok to have an absent parent if the other parent is a SAHP?

Susan

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-1999
Fri, 07-04-2003 - 12:52pm
And that makes sense to me. You're doing what works for your family...we're doing what works for ours. C
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-1999
Fri, 07-04-2003 - 12:53pm
My DS prefers me right now. I expect that to change when he's older. I know I preferred my mom at that age and then became a total daddy's girl...it's a fluid thing. C
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2000
Fri, 07-04-2003 - 12:57pm
No flames here, just curious....

If a child spends the majority of time with his/her mother as the primary caretaker, at what point is the transition made into dad's increasing role in anticipation of the "growing into a man" years? And if the child isn't used to that kind of relationship with his father, how likely is he to be receptive to it later on? Wouldn't he be more inclined to still turn to mom for everything?

Just things I'm wondering about.....


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2002
Fri, 07-04-2003 - 12:58pm
I guess it just sounds like a foreign concept to me. We always considered ourselves equally important to the kids even from an early age. You are right, I can't judge what goes on in real life...but this is a debate board, so people will play devil's advocate and take arguments to their logical conclusion (even if it is an extreme conclusion). My kids definitely had phases where they preferred me, but they have also had phases where they have glommed onto dh and I think that is because they have had so much time with him from the beginning. I guess we personally prefer that model, but it isn't the only posssible one.

Laura

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-1999
Fri, 07-04-2003 - 1:06pm
I think it is a gradual thing. As DS's interest turn more into little boy things (like sports and fishing and whatever), DH will assume an increasingly larger role. I don't think you can put an age on it or anything like that, just that DS will look to DH as he become a man and to do "man-stuff."

It's not that DS doesn't have any sort of relationship with his father. He's playing with him right now. It's just that I change the majority of diapers, I do the majority of feedings, I pick out the clothes...I do the majority of childcare. And DS is a momma's boy right now. He's all boy...I expect that in a few years, he'll want nothing to do with mom and far more to do with dad. I know very few 11 year old boys who are still momma's boys...actually, I don't think I know any!

Does that answer your question? C

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-1999
Fri, 07-04-2003 - 1:09pm
I respect your openmindedness and ability to appreciate what works for different families! Thank you!!!! C
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2002
Fri, 07-04-2003 - 2:53pm
I think open mindedness on both sides of the issue is important. They may be many reasons why two WOH parents is the best for the whole family (even if the second income is just for the "nice" stuff), just as I think that SAH might be the best solution even if there are some financial problems. Having done both for an extensive amount of time, I can appreciate the pluses and minuses of both.

Laura

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-1999
Fri, 07-04-2003 - 3:10pm
I'm not against WOHMs, me staying home is what is best for our family, but I have friends for whom that isn't possible or even desirable--and I respect that, in most cases. C
Avatar for taylormomma
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2003
Fri, 07-04-2003 - 3:26pm
Actually, she isn't divorced. However, I have been divorced, and I can tell you that being in a really bad marriage taught me more about what makes a marriage work than being in a really good marriage has.

I've got tupperware that's lasted longer than your marriage. Not saying you aren't happy, only that you've still got a LONG way to go before you start holding yourself up as an example.


Edited 7/4/2003 3:26:37 PM ET by taylormomma

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-1999
Fri, 07-04-2003 - 3:38pm
That's your experience. I wonder then, how you explain my parents who married at 17 and 18 over 40 years ago...how do they know what makes a marriage work if they haven't been divorced? The only thing my sister's divorce "taught" her was that she can't trust her own judgement when it comes to men...something that is now preventing her from making a committment to a truly wonderful man.

FWIW, my mother has tupperware that's probably older than you are...so I suppose by your logic, you've also still got a looong way to go before you hold yourself up as an example. DH and I have been married nearly a fourth of my life, we've been together over a third of my life. You may not be impressed by that, but I refuse to be any less proud of that fact. I've got underwear that has lasted longer than many marriages, so what? C

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