Are mega hours ok if you have a SAHP?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Are mega hours ok if you have a SAHP?
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Wed, 06-18-2003 - 11:00am
This is kind a a spin off from the equalty and careers thread. I have been reading many posts from the thread about SAHPs who have spouses who work lots of hours. Is it OK for one spouse to work 80 hours a week (assuming it's his choice), as long as there is a SAHP with the kids? Is it OK to to be a workaholic or career driven and come home at 10pm and leave the house at dawn because you have career goals that require those kinds of hours? Is that fair to the kids and ultimately fair to the relationship between dad and the child to assume the position that as long as mom is home, dad can be gone all the time?

Personally, it would make me crazy to have my dh at work 100 hours a week, regardless of my employment status. Crazy because I wouldn't want to have to handle everything that pertains to home and kids and crazy worrying that the kids were not developing a close relationship with dad. There is something to be said, IMHO, for dad beng the one to show up at some of the parent meetings, events, etc.

My bro commutes to NYC daily. He leaves at 4:30am and doesn't get home til 8-9pm every night. He misses just about everything having to with his kids and does not even get to eat one meal with them during the week. That would make me nuts.

Is it ok to have an absent parent if the other parent is a SAHP?

Susan

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Avatar for cyndiluwho
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 07-04-2003 - 3:44pm
I feel sorry for your ds. My dgs is a toddler too and his father is a large part of his life. In fact, given a choice between his mother or his father, he'll pick his father any time. You underestimate the benefit of a father.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-1999
Fri, 07-04-2003 - 3:55pm
That's your grandson, my son (and all the toddlers I know) prefer mommy. Big deal! I suppose you think he would be better off if I WOH so DH could spend that extra 5 hrs a week (see my math below) with DS (afterall, much of his working hrs. are spent while DS is asleep) and DS could spend 40 hrs a week with a DCP? Yeah, I really think THAT's in the best interest of my kid.

Or, put another way...let's say DH & I both WOH for 40 hrs a week. DS is on a daily schedule that looks a little like this: up at 7am, 3 hrs of nap daily (sometimes split between two naps, sometimes one nap), bedtime no later than 7pm. So if DH is working 40 hrs a week (mind you, the 80 week includes commuting time), he'd still leave the house at the same time each day, but he'd sit in traffic much longer if he got off at five. So, say he's home at six (on an average traffic day). Wow! Let's shove DS's dinner, bath, and bedtime routine into that hour (remember, I'm working now and commuting, too and then we'd have to pick DS up from daycare)...I don't see how five extra hours a week (particularly jam-packed and hurried) are going to increase his bonding with DS, particularly if DS is spending at least 40 hrs a week with a DCP and not either parent. Give up 40 hrs. a week with mom so he can have 5 w/dad? Not on your life! Even if DH worked less hours, he wouldn't spend that much more time w/DS, so it's a moot point to me.

Again, we're doing what works best for our family. C

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-1999
Fri, 07-04-2003 - 4:11pm
I agree with my wife wholeheartedly. By the way, for those of you who don't understand my profession, the reason I work as much as I do now is because in a couple of years when my DS, as you call them, is ready for tee-ball and the like, I will be set to only work 30 hours a week and make more than I am now and see my kid more than any of you ever dreamed, so get a clue and understand my one wage earner family.

Mygarnetboy's husband who does love his family and is setting them up pretty damn well, if you don't believe me, let's compare retirement and education funds!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2002
Fri, 07-04-2003 - 4:42pm
Well, it sounds as though you are quite satisfied with your life and that you are setting your family up very well. I don't, however, really see the point of comparing finances...money isn't always the be-all and end-all. For example, the fact that dh was directly involved in the day-to-day stuff with the kids from the time they were born meant that they have learned how to speak German fluently. They would not have been able to learn it as naturally and fluently as they have had their father been only a sporatic presence early on. I have a feeling that growing up fluently trilingual will prove to be as big an advantage for them in the long run as education funds. We may not retire when we are 40 (don't really want to, we love what we do and already have a great deal of flexibility in our jobs), but the fact is that we have both always had a great deal of free time with the kids without having worked 80+ hours a week in the early years.

I perfectly understand your one wage earner family...several people in my family use the same model and they seem reasonably happy with it. But maybe you need to get a clue that other families who don't work mega hours will probably do just as well financial in the long run and still have the flexibility you anticipate when you "retire".

Avatar for cyndiluwho
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 07-04-2003 - 4:45pm
All things considered, I think your dh and ds could use those 5 hours. You, obviously, don't believe this but fathers are supposed to be more than just paychecks. My dgs is a pretty typical toddler.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Fri, 07-04-2003 - 5:15pm
Oh please, no one called your dh greedy, I said the industry is based on greed, and I personally see nothing wrong with it. He works on commission, he works to make money, nothing wrong with it, just as there is nothing wrong with a woman working for the same reasons. Maybe some wohm's want to send their kids to ivy league schools too.

The fact that you can't see how absurd it is to villify a woman for doing the same thing as your husband is doing beyond my comprehension, but it seems like the rest of us get the irony.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Fri, 07-04-2003 - 5:20pm
Hee, hee, I don't always agree with you, but I'm glad to see intelligent life out here!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-04-2003 - 5:30pm
If your husband is away from the home for 80 hours a week, WHY would you think your son would be anything OTHER han a momma's boy. He never had the chance to BE a daddy's boy.

It's like raising you child in in the the middle of Arizona and then stating "He's never been one for the beach. He much prefers the desert."

Kids know what they know. And if that's the way you have it set up fine. He can work in Alaska for all I care & never see his son. BUT do not demean the importance of dads or the need for them because YOU choose to SET YOUR DS UP as a momma's boy.

My son was a Momma AND a DADDY'S boy. We BOTH played a very close and intimate role in all that we did with him. My husband spent & spends a lot of time with him. It's because we set it up that way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-04-2003 - 5:32pm
I stand by everything in my original post. Your response reinforces my post all the more.
Avatar for cyndiluwho
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 07-04-2003 - 5:42pm
Very well said.

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