Are mega hours ok if you have a SAHP?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Are mega hours ok if you have a SAHP?
1499
Wed, 06-18-2003 - 11:00am
This is kind a a spin off from the equalty and careers thread. I have been reading many posts from the thread about SAHPs who have spouses who work lots of hours. Is it OK for one spouse to work 80 hours a week (assuming it's his choice), as long as there is a SAHP with the kids? Is it OK to to be a workaholic or career driven and come home at 10pm and leave the house at dawn because you have career goals that require those kinds of hours? Is that fair to the kids and ultimately fair to the relationship between dad and the child to assume the position that as long as mom is home, dad can be gone all the time?

Personally, it would make me crazy to have my dh at work 100 hours a week, regardless of my employment status. Crazy because I wouldn't want to have to handle everything that pertains to home and kids and crazy worrying that the kids were not developing a close relationship with dad. There is something to be said, IMHO, for dad beng the one to show up at some of the parent meetings, events, etc.

My bro commutes to NYC daily. He leaves at 4:30am and doesn't get home til 8-9pm every night. He misses just about everything having to with his kids and does not even get to eat one meal with them during the week. That would make me nuts.

Is it ok to have an absent parent if the other parent is a SAHP?

Susan

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-1999
Fri, 07-04-2003 - 7:55pm
Nah, actually he wanted to defend his OWN honor and see what all the fuss is about. LOL! I expect he'll pop back in later when the baseball game is over. Y'all done pissed him off! C
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-1999
Fri, 07-04-2003 - 7:56pm
Hot debates and it was a couple of months ago. I've got quite a memory for names and faces. One of your birds died recently, did it not? C
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-1999
Fri, 07-04-2003 - 7:57pm
Stalking? Like I have the time or energy to waste on you doing that. Give me a flipping break. C
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-04-2003 - 8:01pm
My dh does work long hours(not as long these days as in the past) but long compared to most who work 40 hours a week. I've been flamed in the past and my dh has been slammed as well. It just doesn't really bother me. I know what works for myself and my family.

I think where you get into trouble is trying to say that one situation is "ideal" or better over another. In my situation, having a sahp is our ideal. In other families having dual working parents is ideal. It's all about the family and what works for them.

Things get nasty and people get defensive, that's just life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-1999
Fri, 07-04-2003 - 8:08pm
Thanks for understanding. I don't think it is necessarily "better" than someone else's situation (save for the friend I OPed about, of course), but it is better for us. I can't imagine putting DS in daycare for 40 hrs just so DH could spend a few extra hrs with him a week. It's just not worth it to me or DH!

Still it's nice to know I'm not the only one in this situation how out there!

How are you feeling? C

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-04-2003 - 8:14pm
"Motivation for bringing in the wealth"

Good = one parent being away from home 60-80 hours a week for first 10 years of child's life, but child likely to be able to see both parents after that, go to Ivy League college and not have to support parents' retirement.

Bad = Dual WOHP where one of them (or only the mom?) works exclusively for vacations and luxury cars.

Is that right?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-04-2003 - 8:17pm
I think you really don't view the WOHM positively. Otherwise, why would you include among your DH's altruistic endeavors enabling a woman to SAH? What's so admirable about that? It doesn't hurt a child to have two working parents, and if the wife is going to work, maybe she'll try to increase her education or job experience so she can actually work in a field she enjoys.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-1999
Fri, 07-04-2003 - 8:20pm
That sums it up, except that the kid doesn't HAVE to go Ivy League unless that's what HE wants to do. As for bad, I would agree that one working solely for the wrong reasons (and no, it doesn't just have to be the mom, if mom is the "breadwinner" and dad's just working for the Benz, that's just as wrong) instead of staying home about sums it up. Yup, you summed it up for me. Thanks! And I'm off to call the fire dept. in anticipation of the coming flames. LOL! C
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-04-2003 - 8:27pm
Ok, so you're not working those hours for altruistic purposes or because you're a workaholic. It's about the college and retirement cash, right? Just wanted to clarify.

PS T-ball starts at age 6, not age 10.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 07-04-2003 - 8:28pm
To continue the marinading metaphor, marinades have more than one ingredient, for fully rounded flavor.

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