Are mega hours ok if you have a SAHP?
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Are mega hours ok if you have a SAHP?
| Wed, 06-18-2003 - 11:00am |
This is kind a a spin off from the equalty and careers thread. I have been reading many posts from the thread about SAHPs who have spouses who work lots of hours. Is it OK for one spouse to work 80 hours a week (assuming it's his choice), as long as there is a SAHP with the kids? Is it OK to to be a workaholic or career driven and come home at 10pm and leave the house at dawn because you have career goals that require those kinds of hours? Is that fair to the kids and ultimately fair to the relationship between dad and the child to assume the position that as long as mom is home, dad can be gone all the time?
Personally, it would make me crazy to have my dh at work 100 hours a week, regardless of my employment status. Crazy because I wouldn't want to have to handle everything that pertains to home and kids and crazy worrying that the kids were not developing a close relationship with dad. There is something to be said, IMHO, for dad beng the one to show up at some of the parent meetings, events, etc.
My bro commutes to NYC daily. He leaves at 4:30am and doesn't get home til 8-9pm every night. He misses just about everything having to with his kids and does not even get to eat one meal with them during the week. That would make me nuts.
Is it ok to have an absent parent if the other parent is a SAHP?
Susan

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Living together and marriage are two completely different things. My sister lived with her ex for six years before they married and 11 months into the marriage he knocked up a bartender (and yes, it was the first time he strayed). It could easily be argued that they knew how to make living together work and not marriage!
So you were together 13 years...DH and I have been together almost ten (how come you're only counting the six years we've been married and not the previous years? You're comparing our committed-before-God-years with your never-committed-before-God years--that makes a WHOLE lot of sense, not!)...so that only gives me four more years until I can snark at you freely! Although I'm sure I'll find something else to snark about in the meantime. ;) C
And FTR, DH did post on this board b/c he was/is tired of hearing about these online people who find such fault with his wife and lifestyle. C
I remember, quite distinctly, growing up and having MOST of my friends envious of me because our dad was actively involved in our lives, FAR FAR beyond "sports and guy stuff". My dad knew who my friends were, what my favorite colors, books, subjects in school, my favorite outfit...all that stuff. My earliest memories of him involve hanging out in his workshop, banging pennynails into scrap pieces of lumber while he worked on whatever project he had going. That was before my brother was born, so that pre 4 years old. To this day, I adore the smell of freshly sawn wood, and hearing power tools makes me think of classical music, because that's what he played on the radio while he worked.
I remember him telling us all kinds of tall tales that we ALWAYS fell for, because to us, his word was gospel. he told us spaghetti grew on trees, that the little animals in our toy farm would get wet and turn into real farm animals we'd have to take care of if we took them out of the little plastic bags they came in, I remember him asking us at the start of every family vacation if we'd remembered our bread crumbs (sick family joke reference to Hansel and Gretel), I remember the car games he and Mom played with us on long trips and the hiking trips at Starved Rock, back in the days when you were allowed to go off path and explore the old Indian cave sites (we found several arrowheads there over the years). All of these memories predate any interest or readiness in "sports or guy things" I might have had and I wouldn't trade them for the world.
i think you two are shortchanging your son and any future kids you may have and I think that's just plain pitiful. What a sad legacy to prepare for your kids.
As for the rest of it, I quite honestly do not have any memories before two years of age--I don't know of anyone who does. (In fact, my earliest memory is of my sister getting stitches when we were 2 years and 5 months old, I remember going to the ER and to Velvet Freeze for ice cream afterwards.) So I doubt DS will be severely traumatized by the hours his daddy works right now...if he's like everyone else I know on this planet, he won't remember them. I do imagine that he'll remember taking hunting and fishing trips with his daddy and granddad when he's old enough though, b/c MY DH still talks about those memories. And I imagine he'll remember going into daddy's office with daddy on Saturday mornings to play while daddy got some work done (frequently done in DH's business once the kids are out of diapers and enjoy coloring and the like). I also imagine he'll have memories of vacations with his family (we're planning a trip with my parents for the fall). Oh, and lest I forget, he'll always remember how his dad retired while all his friends fathers were still putting in their 40+ hours and long commutes. I imagine it's going to be VERY COOL to be 10 years old and have both parents home and available 24/7. Not to mention that any kids we have in the future will be even younger than DS, so I don't see how DH is "missing out" on all the things you claim he is.
Personally, despite my dad's long hours, he always had time for wiffle ball with us and the neighbor kids in the backyard (sports with his twin girls--GASP!) when he got home. And for that, we were the envy of the neighborhood. No one could hit a ball farther than that man. In fact, DH, daddy and I played a little wiffle ball today...while DS ran around us with his OWN wiffle ball. He never missed a sporting event of ours, or a game when I was a cheerleader, for that matter. And yes, he knew everything that was going on in our lives--still does. Quite frankly, I'm thrilled that my dad worked long hours so my mom could stay home with us and even more thrilled that he's retired now. How many people my age get to spend time with their fathers every day? I can't think of too many...but I know I'm more grateful for it now than I would have been at 17 months old. I can say without a doubt that my parents are my best friends, I'm closer to them than anyone else (except my DH & DS, of course)--I don't know too many other people who can honestly say that.
You may think that DH and I are shortchanging our son, but we vehemently disagree with you. WHAT IF I said I thought you were shortchanging your son by putting him in DC for 40 hrs a week? I imagine you'd find that as offensive as I've found your posts to be. To each his own. DH and I are doing what we feel is in the best interest of our family, you've obviously done what you feel is in the best interest of yours. I don't think your method is any better than mine, just different. C
Unless, of course, as I more logically suspect, you are simply a regular poster to this board, under another name, deflecting attention away from your more unfortunate self.
I don't really care about your sister and her relationship with her ex; it's irrelevant to me and mine. I understand how to make a committed relationship work AND how to tear it apart, and I have sufficient intelligence to know where I went wrong and where my ex did and things to look out for in the future. And given that we were agreed upon splitting up when we discovered I was pregnant and chose to remain together to create a committed parenting front for our child, and kept trying and trying and trying for more than 10 more years, yeah, I think I know something about how to keep a marriage together. And more importantly, I know when it's better to simply let go. And how to tell the difference.
I'm not perfect. i'm not pretending to be. Nor have I EVER claimed my relationship with my ex would be a good example of marriage for my child. In fact, I gave many other, close examples for my son to follow, none of which involve me. YOU are the one claiming that no child can learn about marriage by observing one, good or bad. But then again, you also claim you can learn all kinds of minute details about total strangers and not be stalking them and that fathers are superfluous to a child's day to day life, so I simply consider the (imho) ignorant source and move on.
I find it interesting that you aren't reading all of my posts in this thread...how on earth can feel qualified to make such broad generalizing comments (and insults) about me if you don't know everything I'm saying. That seems awfully STUPID to me! No wonder you keep putting words in my mouth, you just admitted that you don't know what you're talking about! C
edited to add "some of" to the cruel women comment.
Edited 7/4/2003 9:51:05 PM ET by mygarnetboy
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