Are mega hours ok if you have a SAHP?

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Are mega hours ok if you have a SAHP?
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Wed, 06-18-2003 - 11:00am
This is kind a a spin off from the equalty and careers thread. I have been reading many posts from the thread about SAHPs who have spouses who work lots of hours. Is it OK for one spouse to work 80 hours a week (assuming it's his choice), as long as there is a SAHP with the kids? Is it OK to to be a workaholic or career driven and come home at 10pm and leave the house at dawn because you have career goals that require those kinds of hours? Is that fair to the kids and ultimately fair to the relationship between dad and the child to assume the position that as long as mom is home, dad can be gone all the time?

Personally, it would make me crazy to have my dh at work 100 hours a week, regardless of my employment status. Crazy because I wouldn't want to have to handle everything that pertains to home and kids and crazy worrying that the kids were not developing a close relationship with dad. There is something to be said, IMHO, for dad beng the one to show up at some of the parent meetings, events, etc.

My bro commutes to NYC daily. He leaves at 4:30am and doesn't get home til 8-9pm every night. He misses just about everything having to with his kids and does not even get to eat one meal with them during the week. That would make me nuts.

Is it ok to have an absent parent if the other parent is a SAHP?

Susan

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-1999
Fri, 07-04-2003 - 9:07pm
H&Imom, I'm not lurking on other boards to learn about you--wow, you've got an awfully high opinion of yourself, don't you? I am curious how you can make claims about knowing what it takes to make a marriage work when you and your ex were never married though? That's like me saying I know how to what it takes to build a car well after looking in the window of a Honda factory. Whatever.

Living together and marriage are two completely different things. My sister lived with her ex for six years before they married and 11 months into the marriage he knocked up a bartender (and yes, it was the first time he strayed). It could easily be argued that they knew how to make living together work and not marriage!

So you were together 13 years...DH and I have been together almost ten (how come you're only counting the six years we've been married and not the previous years? You're comparing our committed-before-God-years with your never-committed-before-God years--that makes a WHOLE lot of sense, not!)...so that only gives me four more years until I can snark at you freely! Although I'm sure I'll find something else to snark about in the meantime. ;) C

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-1999
Fri, 07-04-2003 - 9:09pm
Check out my profile...heck, there is even a link to my webpage on another thread. I am who I am.

And FTR, DH did post on this board b/c he was/is tired of hearing about these online people who find such fault with his wife and lifestyle. C

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-04-2003 - 9:10pm
Hey, you're the one spouting off all the factual information about my life, INCLUDING the recent death of my budgie, which has ONLY been mentioned once, in passing, deep in the midst of one thread.....so, if you don't want to be accused of stalking, maybe you should memorize fewer tiny details wrt the lives of total strangers, eh?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-1999
Fri, 07-04-2003 - 9:14pm
Forgive me...I have an exceptional memory. And the passing of your bird isn't just mentioned once in a thread...it's also on your webpage, which is posted on Hot Debates for all the world to see. If you don't want the world to see it, you shouldn't put it on the INTERNET! Hello?! C
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-04-2003 - 9:22pm
Why should your ds look to your dh for attention, if he's grown to accept the fact that fathers don't give any? And what will he think of the neighbor kids who DO get attention from their fathers...before the kids become interesting enough to the dh to deign to grant it, that is. Fatherhood is MUCH more than sports and "guy stuff". I hope y'all never have daughters, because the role the two of you have cast for "fatherhood" doesn't include them at all, does it?

I remember, quite distinctly, growing up and having MOST of my friends envious of me because our dad was actively involved in our lives, FAR FAR beyond "sports and guy stuff". My dad knew who my friends were, what my favorite colors, books, subjects in school, my favorite outfit...all that stuff. My earliest memories of him involve hanging out in his workshop, banging pennynails into scrap pieces of lumber while he worked on whatever project he had going. That was before my brother was born, so that pre 4 years old. To this day, I adore the smell of freshly sawn wood, and hearing power tools makes me think of classical music, because that's what he played on the radio while he worked.

I remember him telling us all kinds of tall tales that we ALWAYS fell for, because to us, his word was gospel. he told us spaghetti grew on trees, that the little animals in our toy farm would get wet and turn into real farm animals we'd have to take care of if we took them out of the little plastic bags they came in, I remember him asking us at the start of every family vacation if we'd remembered our bread crumbs (sick family joke reference to Hansel and Gretel), I remember the car games he and Mom played with us on long trips and the hiking trips at Starved Rock, back in the days when you were allowed to go off path and explore the old Indian cave sites (we found several arrowheads there over the years). All of these memories predate any interest or readiness in "sports or guy things" I might have had and I wouldn't trade them for the world.

i think you two are shortchanging your son and any future kids you may have and I think that's just plain pitiful. What a sad legacy to prepare for your kids.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-1999
Fri, 07-04-2003 - 9:41pm
You don't live in our house...you don't know WHAT interaction goes on between DS and DH. And since when does playing sports with your kids not include daughters? WOW! That's an awfully sexist attitude, don't you think?

As for the rest of it, I quite honestly do not have any memories before two years of age--I don't know of anyone who does. (In fact, my earliest memory is of my sister getting stitches when we were 2 years and 5 months old, I remember going to the ER and to Velvet Freeze for ice cream afterwards.) So I doubt DS will be severely traumatized by the hours his daddy works right now...if he's like everyone else I know on this planet, he won't remember them. I do imagine that he'll remember taking hunting and fishing trips with his daddy and granddad when he's old enough though, b/c MY DH still talks about those memories. And I imagine he'll remember going into daddy's office with daddy on Saturday mornings to play while daddy got some work done (frequently done in DH's business once the kids are out of diapers and enjoy coloring and the like). I also imagine he'll have memories of vacations with his family (we're planning a trip with my parents for the fall). Oh, and lest I forget, he'll always remember how his dad retired while all his friends fathers were still putting in their 40+ hours and long commutes. I imagine it's going to be VERY COOL to be 10 years old and have both parents home and available 24/7. Not to mention that any kids we have in the future will be even younger than DS, so I don't see how DH is "missing out" on all the things you claim he is.

Personally, despite my dad's long hours, he always had time for wiffle ball with us and the neighbor kids in the backyard (sports with his twin girls--GASP!) when he got home. And for that, we were the envy of the neighborhood. No one could hit a ball farther than that man. In fact, DH, daddy and I played a little wiffle ball today...while DS ran around us with his OWN wiffle ball. He never missed a sporting event of ours, or a game when I was a cheerleader, for that matter. And yes, he knew everything that was going on in our lives--still does. Quite frankly, I'm thrilled that my dad worked long hours so my mom could stay home with us and even more thrilled that he's retired now. How many people my age get to spend time with their fathers every day? I can't think of too many...but I know I'm more grateful for it now than I would have been at 17 months old. I can say without a doubt that my parents are my best friends, I'm closer to them than anyone else (except my DH & DS, of course)--I don't know too many other people who can honestly say that.

You may think that DH and I are shortchanging our son, but we vehemently disagree with you. WHAT IF I said I thought you were shortchanging your son by putting him in DC for 40 hrs a week? I imagine you'd find that as offensive as I've found your posts to be. To each his own. DH and I are doing what we feel is in the best interest of our family, you've obviously done what you feel is in the best interest of yours. I don't think your method is any better than mine, just different. C

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-04-2003 - 9:41pm
I can only go by the number of personal details of my life you reveal you know. It's not egotistical of me to comment on the fact that someone I don't know from Adam knows where I live, that a pet of mine has died, and any number of other personal details about my life. I don't mention the years you were with your dh before you married, because, unlike you, I don't KNOW details about your life because I haven't been lurking on other boards, gathering information about you. What I know is what you've posted here and since there's no POSSIBLE way I could live my life AND read every post you've ever written here, I've likely missed many details that are right here in this thread, too. The difference between you and I is that I don't gather miniscule facts about total strangers, and you do...spouting them later. You can't blame ME for the fact that you've taken great enjoyment out of revealing the intimate details of my life that you *do* know, so you'll have to excuse me if I find that remarkably close to stalking behavior.

Unless, of course, as I more logically suspect, you are simply a regular poster to this board, under another name, deflecting attention away from your more unfortunate self.

I don't really care about your sister and her relationship with her ex; it's irrelevant to me and mine. I understand how to make a committed relationship work AND how to tear it apart, and I have sufficient intelligence to know where I went wrong and where my ex did and things to look out for in the future. And given that we were agreed upon splitting up when we discovered I was pregnant and chose to remain together to create a committed parenting front for our child, and kept trying and trying and trying for more than 10 more years, yeah, I think I know something about how to keep a marriage together. And more importantly, I know when it's better to simply let go. And how to tell the difference.

I'm not perfect. i'm not pretending to be. Nor have I EVER claimed my relationship with my ex would be a good example of marriage for my child. In fact, I gave many other, close examples for my son to follow, none of which involve me. YOU are the one claiming that no child can learn about marriage by observing one, good or bad. But then again, you also claim you can learn all kinds of minute details about total strangers and not be stalking them and that fathers are superfluous to a child's day to day life, so I simply consider the (imho) ignorant source and move on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-04-2003 - 9:44pm
My apologies. apparently, in your world, Dads don't have to ejaculate, either.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-1999
Fri, 07-04-2003 - 9:49pm
I don't know where you live, other than the fact that I assumed you live in the US. And as I previously responded, if you want to know who I am, check out my profile and my webpage. I am who I am. I've never posted to this board under another name, and your insinuation that I'm someone I'm not is, frankly, offensive. I've been posting on the boards for many years, just not this one. I frequently lurk on the debate boards but don't post unless I feel I have something to contribute. I felt I had something to contribute to this thread b/c I live the situation it describes. Period. My husband posted b/c after my telling him about this thread for three days, he had to see it to believe it. I don't think he actually believed that there was a group of women as cruel as some of you are, until he saw it with his own eyes.

I find it interesting that you aren't reading all of my posts in this thread...how on earth can feel qualified to make such broad generalizing comments (and insults) about me if you don't know everything I'm saying. That seems awfully STUPID to me! No wonder you keep putting words in my mouth, you just admitted that you don't know what you're talking about! C

edited to add "some of" to the cruel women comment.


Edited 7/4/2003 9:51:05 PM ET by mygarnetboy

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-1999
Fri, 07-04-2003 - 9:50pm
My father didn't. Perhaps if you read ALL the posts in the thread before commenting, you wouldn't put words in my mouth. Or maybe you still would...C

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