Are mega hours ok if you have a SAHP?

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Are mega hours ok if you have a SAHP?
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Wed, 06-18-2003 - 11:00am
This is kind a a spin off from the equalty and careers thread. I have been reading many posts from the thread about SAHPs who have spouses who work lots of hours. Is it OK for one spouse to work 80 hours a week (assuming it's his choice), as long as there is a SAHP with the kids? Is it OK to to be a workaholic or career driven and come home at 10pm and leave the house at dawn because you have career goals that require those kinds of hours? Is that fair to the kids and ultimately fair to the relationship between dad and the child to assume the position that as long as mom is home, dad can be gone all the time?

Personally, it would make me crazy to have my dh at work 100 hours a week, regardless of my employment status. Crazy because I wouldn't want to have to handle everything that pertains to home and kids and crazy worrying that the kids were not developing a close relationship with dad. There is something to be said, IMHO, for dad beng the one to show up at some of the parent meetings, events, etc.

My bro commutes to NYC daily. He leaves at 4:30am and doesn't get home til 8-9pm every night. He misses just about everything having to with his kids and does not even get to eat one meal with them during the week. That would make me nuts.

Is it ok to have an absent parent if the other parent is a SAHP?

Susan

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Avatar for cyndiluwho
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Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 07-05-2003 - 12:07am
A dash of daddy?? How sad. You really don't think fathers are very important.
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Registered: 12-29-1999
Sat, 07-05-2003 - 12:09am
You're misunderstanding me. DH and I have chosen the lifestyle that we FEEL is right for our family. DS didn't come with instructions, but DH and I certainly agreed upon how we wanted to raise a family before we started ours. I wouldn't have married a man who didn't share my general parenting philosophies or life values. You might feel that doing what you want as long as it causes no harm vs. what is best works for your family, but DH and I view things differently and truly try to work in the best interests of all concerned.

The lifestyle we've chosen is the one that works best for our family. I don't have to try on others for size, this one fits just right. C

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Registered: 12-29-1999
Sat, 07-05-2003 - 12:14am
Okay and I disagree. Whether you agree with it or not, like it or not, my son prefers his mother. Mama2gigi's son (who is a month older than mine) also prefers his mother (and she WOH part-time and has a husband who works "normal hours"). Lots of toddlers prefer mommy to daddy. It's a normal developmental stage...there was even an article in Parents about it a few months ago. As my son's primary caretaker, I am more important in his life than his father. That may be sad to you, but that's his reality and he's quite a happy little guy. DH isn't sad about it, he thinks it's GREAT that his son has forged such a bond w/his mother.

And I disagree that time is not in short supply when working a normal schedule. I posted to you earlier that even if my DH worked "normal hours" he would only spend an additional 5 hours a week with DS...to US, that's not worth 40 hrs a week away from mom with a DCP. C

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-1999
Sat, 07-05-2003 - 12:15am
Not at this age. As he gets older, yes. But at 17 months? Nope. My DS isn't even going to remember anything about this stage in his life when he gets older anyway. IMHO, this is all much ado about nothing. C
Avatar for cyndiluwho
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Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 07-05-2003 - 12:18am
This is an aspect of SAH that I don't like. One parent being made secondary by comparison to the other. It just shouldn't happen.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-1999
Sat, 07-05-2003 - 12:21am
Ah, but mama2gigi isn't a SAHM, she's a WOHM and her son still prefers her to her DH! How'd that happen? Could it be a developmental stage and not selfish mommy thing?!

Tsk, tsk, tsk, oh the EEEVIL SAHM, so selfish...

C

Avatar for mama2gigi
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 07-05-2003 - 12:24am
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I'd hardly call talking about a friend to perfect strangers on the internet "backstabbing". It's not like she's calling up other friends and saying "you know what so n' so is doing.. blah blah blah". You don't know the person she's referencing, you'll never know the person she's referencing, you don't know her and never will... so I think calling it backstabbing is extreme. She's using a friend as an example of someone who is doing something that she disagrees with. It's not a big deal. You seem to be looking for things to fault her on personally, rather than simply disagreeing with her. A.

Andrea...
mom

Avatar for mama2gigi
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 07-05-2003 - 12:39am
Holy crap are you a bunch of snarky, miserable women. It's the 4th of July.. if you all have such wonderful, close relationships with your families why are you here insulting perfect strangers? This is a debate board.. not a board where the "old timers" gang up on the newbies who happen to have differing opinions.

<>

You honestly think that she masqueraded as her DH? Just b/c she disagrees with you (actually it's more just about the fact that you disagree with her) doesn't mean she's a psycho and only a psycho would do what you're accusing her of. A.

Andrea...
mom

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 07-05-2003 - 12:47am
I spent the 4th of July with my family. Funny how it's miserable and snarky for US to post on the 4th, but not for redrockmom. Nice double standard.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 07-05-2003 - 12:49am
>>>As for bad, I would agree that one working solely for the wrong reasons (and no, it doesn't just have to be the mom, if mom is the "breadwinner" and dad's just working for the Benz, that's just as wrong) instead of staying home about sums it up. Yup, you summed it up for me. Thanks! And I'm off to call the fire dept. in anticipation of the coming flames. LOL! C

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I guess I'm really just curious about why you feel you have the right to judge anyone for their reasons for working? You have said over & over again "different strokes..." & whatever works for your family, etc. etc.; which indicates a tolerance for differences. However, you contiune to say there is a bad/wrong way to raise children/organize a family. I don't understand. You're either tolerant of differences or you're not.

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