Are we the problem???

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Are we the problem???
88
Fri, 08-22-2003 - 12:05am
The debate about whose job is easier/harder really has made me think. I am a stay home mom.. who is not home alot due to volunteering/mentoring/friends/family obligations and other things.

I guess it is nothing about parenting is easy... except the beginning of the process. We all need help and it seems we all want to look at the other and say "no I have it harder". Why not look at the other and say "can you help me?" I mean I think it truly is utterly ridiculous that any woman work outside the home or stay home would put down a woman staying home as selfish. We all make our own choices by our values and principles and what is right for us. Imagine how wonderful it would be if stay home mothers could take the words "I just stay home" out of their conciousness and work out of home mothers could take the guilt out of their choices (not that all feel guilty, just seems to be a touchstone here) If we supported each other and our individual choices couldn't we really change the world? I know this is a debate board and the debate is a current one.... BUT just think if we stopped wearing our badges and started living with more kindness how great that would be. I mean really.... do work outside the home moms really think that little of stay home moms and do stay home moms really think less of a woman who works outside of the home? If so it really is no wonder society is always so negative! Just my opinion and thoughts ~ Courtney

Courtney

There's a great big beautiful tomorrow shining at the end of every day... there's a great big beautiful tom

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-22-2003 - 8:03am
Ahhh, the sweet innocence of a newbie .... lol

This board is, for most of us, the ONLY place we wear our "badges". In our real lives, the SAH/WOH thing doesn't really come into play. Maybe occasionally. But its not a normal part of life.

So what you see here isn't a bunch of petty, bickering, self-centered, righteous women ... it only appears that way. This is where we come to debate, argue, have fun, bash, vent .. and even support. Its not a reflection of reality, in any way shape or form.

Once you're around a while and you see a wider variety of threads, you'll see that we really aren't part of what makes society so negative.

Just a few thoughts from a veteran ..

Hollie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Fri, 08-22-2003 - 8:22am
Interesting. <>

i think it's utterly ridiculous that any woman who SAH would put down a mom working and claim that she is selfish....

Did you forget that part of it?

eileen

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2003
Fri, 08-22-2003 - 12:12pm
hey, do you know "cindytree?" lol. wink.
Avatar for cindytree
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Fri, 08-22-2003 - 2:51pm
HEY! I still lurk here, you know! lol

Actually my 2 cents on this is that as a SAHM, I am the first to admit I am selfish. I do what I want and what is best for me and my family without caring what anyone else thinks of it or thinks I should do. My own mother has issues with me being college educated and being "just" a "housewife." (I tried to tell her I'm not married to my house, but it hasn't sunk in yet, even after 25 years of marriage and SAH.) I enjoy having a more leisurely pace than working 8-5 for someone else. I don't like bosses or being told what to do. I enjoy being with my kiddos and when my nest is empty, I have plans for the extra time I'll have and it doesn't include a job. By then it will be all about me, provided our family finances are still ok and hubby still enjoys his job and wants to keep working.

In my "real" life there is not negativity concerning WOH or SAH. I have close friends who are both, which is why I have backed off from debating here. I realized it really didn't matter to me what anyone else thought or whether I thought they should make a different choice. In my selfishness, I wanted to do other things with my time than debate. I wanted to be heard rather than win, but even that became unimportant.

The only thing I disagree with that has been said so far in this thread is the notion that who we are here isn't who we are in real life. I believe that who we are online does reflect some part of our character. We just use more restraint in face to face dealings without the cover on anonymity. When we are dealing with real people it becomes less of an "us vs. them" mentality but we still would defend our choice if a friend or family member challenged us. We may say it more nicely, but in our minds we would still be using icons! lol

Cindy (waving her beauty queen wave and wishing warm fuzzies for the whole wide world and peace on earth! lol!!)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2003
Fri, 08-22-2003 - 3:46pm
lol! I knew you were out there "listening in!" I was just remembering your "wishing warm fuzzies" from your previous posts. :)
Avatar for cyndiluwho
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 08-22-2003 - 3:51pm
BUT that involves admitting that life choices like whether or not to work have nothing to do with how our kids turn out and that's not likely to happen. I think this debate exists because it's hard for some to admit that their working status doesn't matter. We want what we do and the choices we make to matter. In order to look at each other simply as parents we have to accpt that our working status is irrelevent but people don't want it to be irrelevent. They want to feel good about their choices not like they don't matter.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 08-22-2003 - 6:07pm
It's not likely to happen as long as you spend an entire thread insisting that daughters of SAHMs are at a career disadvantage because they haven't witnessed mom balancing home and career. Glad to see it doesn't matter and the entire thread above was for nothing.
Avatar for cindytree
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Fri, 08-22-2003 - 6:35pm
lol....I was getting ready to post nearly the exact thing in response to clw's comment, plus some other examples. You beat me to it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 08-22-2003 - 6:36pm
The thing is, I think we all agree that working status by itself doesn't matter. It's just we disagree about what else matters. And most of us choose our working status based on the other things, like time, or money, or prestige, or pride, or happiness. We ALL base our choices on the well being of our children, it's just we can't agree on what that is.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-22-2003 - 7:58pm
HEY! That's me you disagreed with ....

But you took it out of context. I don't mean that we don't show who we are. I mean that the debate here doesn't reflect on the existence of any debate in real life. I don't think many of us give a passing thought to whether those around us are SAH or WOH or WAH or PTWOH or whatever.

I think the personality of the posts and tone in which they are written are most definitely a reflection of who we ARE. But the debate doesn't exist in real life.

Hollie

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