Are you "Anxious Parents"?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2006
Are you "Anxious Parents"?
1765
Wed, 11-15-2006 - 8:24am

Today's MSN News features this article

Sabina

Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song,

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2005
Sat, 11-18-2006 - 9:53am
I think that is great that your daughter is responsible in a good way. I was the 1st child so I was limited in alot of things because I was basically "the guinea pig"!! My sister did alot more than me. She would be able to go out when I had to be home at the same age, etc. I am a very responsible person now and always was. I was not the type to get in trouble mostly because I was afraid of my parents-lol!! Kids USED to be afraid of their parents unlike today.
I want my kids to be independent like this but not that they are so independent that I am "out of the loop" in their life. I know from experience from my dh who was very independent at a young age because he had to be. His mother had too many kids, too early and had a husband who left when he was a month old (he was the last of the 3). While I know it was hard for her, she basically didn't try and raise her kids. She left that for them to do themselves. He ended up in trouble and not making good decisions. His brother who is in his late 30's is STILL making bad decisions in life. My gf at work was also very independent, her parents let her have her "freedom" as everyone is saying here. While she is happily married, she is in her 40's and not "settled" in life.
I feel there is good independence and bad independence. Letting your kids run wild because "they are kids" is not going to be good when they are 12 or 13 and think they can run wild and do whatever they want.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2005
Sat, 11-18-2006 - 9:54am
It's interesting that Scandinavian countries (where kids usually are on their own for hours at a stretch by the age of 10-12) have much lower rates of teen pregnancy and alcohol/drug abuse than teens in the US.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2005
Sat, 11-18-2006 - 10:02am
I think the difference is when the parents ARE involved alot in the child's life, like you say. Alot of the kids who were allowed to just roam around the neighborhood when I was a kid, was the ones who eventually got in trouble with the law, had kids early, dropped out of school, etc. Their parents were involved in their lives as my friends and I who were allowed to do alot of things but were limited also.
I know kids came home from school alone but that was very rare when I was a kid. I knew no one whose mom worked. We all had sahm's (at least in my neighborhood) until we got older, mostly not until high school.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2005
Sat, 11-18-2006 - 10:04am
I think it is because like you said before, the parents are very involved in their lives. Parents here basically treat their young kids like adults too early. I see it all the time, allowing them to do things at 12 and 13 that they should not be doing until they are in their late teens. Kids are having sex and sexual relations starting at 10 years old and that is just very sad.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2005
Sat, 11-18-2006 - 10:05am
What does letting kids be alone at the age of 10 or 12 for a couple of hours have to do with "letting kids run wild"?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2005
Sat, 11-18-2006 - 10:06am

Are you so concerned that your parenting is inadequate that your kids will drink, take drugs, enter into early sexual relationships if they are left alone? I would hope that all the good parenting you have done will result in your child being able to make good decisions when they are alone.

And being around does not guarantee that there are no drugs, drinking, sex etc. Kids can snort their friend's ritalin right downstairs in the basement while you are making dinner. A couple of prescribed meds are easily popped in the hallways of the middle school. A little vodka poured into a sprite easily done while you are doing laundry downstairs in the basement. Trust me, being around does not guarantee drinking, drugs and sex won't happen. What does have a higher likelihood of preventing these actions are Authoratative Parenting - which is child/parent joint decision making style with a healthy amount of respect for the child's independence. Trusting your child with responsibi8lity is the best way for them to trust themselves in making the right decisions when it comes to drugs, drinking and sex.

And as for drugs and sex, there are fewer kids using marijuana today than 15 years ago and fewer teen pregnanacies. Drinking, however, that is a problem - but usually showing up more in high school than in a 10 year old being left for 45 mins or so.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2005
Sat, 11-18-2006 - 10:07am
My experience exactly!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2005
Sat, 11-18-2006 - 10:10am
Well, I have to say that I've never heard of a kid around here starting to have sex at the age of 10 (or 12 or 13 for that matter), but I think you would be surprised at just how much independence in general kids are expected to have by that age here. I think Sild gave a very good description of it (she grew up in Denmark). Kids are expected to cope by themselves for hours at that age. A number of ds's friends (he's 11) are responsible for picking up their younger siblings from school and bringing them home (usually via public transportation). It's the norm here. But I can tell you that the parents are still VERY involved in their kids' lives. It's just that they expect kids to be able to do more than seems to be expected of many kids in the US.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 11-18-2006 - 10:23am
Who said anything about pushing them to be adults? The decision always rests with the parents, but it really is OK for a parent to take some cues from the kid as well. When your 2yo wants to put on his own coat and makes a big fuss about you putting it on, he is trying to tell you that he is ready to do more stuff for himself. My feeling is, go for it kid! Ditto for when my 10ms old resisted my feeding her. I let her at it. Why on earth not? I see letting a 10yo staying home for short periods by herself as the same thing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 11-18-2006 - 10:26am
So how do you plan to teach her to negotiate traffic, deal with other people, unexpected events (like the bus does not come or she missed it) etc?

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