Are you "Anxious Parents"?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2006
Are you "Anxious Parents"?
1765
Wed, 11-15-2006 - 8:24am

Today's MSN News features this article

Sabina

Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song,

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2005
Sat, 11-18-2006 - 10:26am
I am talking about the kids who are out all day roaming the neighborhood, being allowed to go miles on their bikes to let them have their freedom. A 10 or 12 year old staying home for a short time while their parent runs to the store for milk is fine. Not that they are staying home alone for hours on end.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2005
Sat, 11-18-2006 - 10:33am
I totally understand that things can be done while a parent is home. There is more of a chance if you are treating your child like an adult that they are going to think they are an adult and start doing adult things. My sil was treated like an adult from a young age, 11 or 12. By 13 she felt she should be able to do what she wanted, go anywhere she wanted. By 16 she was not going to school and running around at all times of the day and night. She met her "boyfriend" if you want to call him that by babysitting HIS own kids! He is no good but because her parents wanted her to "have her freedom" they are fine with the fact that she moved out at 18 and live with him (he is double her age).
I am not saying because you want to teach your children independence they will all turn out like this. You still need to treat them like children at age 12 and 13 so they won't be lured into bad things that kids get into.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 11-18-2006 - 10:34am

I just explained to you in fairly great detail that my kid in no way "runs wild" nor is free to do just whatever she wants. I should add that I am first born in my family and my dd is an only. I expressly do NOT want her to stay out of trouble because she is afraid of me. I want her to stay out of trouble because I have managed to teach her right from wrong and made her understand that she must be responsible and accountable in order to retain her privileges and freedoms. It will not be very long, just a few years, before she is off to college. I see it as my responsibility to make sure that she can manage most aspects of daily life on her own, in a responsible and reasonable way, BEFORE she is out of my house. So, I add freedoms AND the inevitable accompanying responsibilities little by little as I see that she is ready.

IMO, if kids "behave" mainly out of fear, they will often have a problem once they are adults and need not fear anyone. Those kids are also often the ones who will sneak around. Should my dd get herself into a sticky situation, I would much rather she tell me about it and trust that I might help her, than sneak around me out of fear.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 11-18-2006 - 10:38am

You seem to see the world as a scary place where evil lurks around every corner. I find that very sad.

If parental involvement is the key, then it seems that keeping kids under such tight rein is not really necessary. I am very involved in my kid's life, as is her father in his own bumbling way. We talk to her a lot, we follow what she is doing, we encourage her, guide her and help her when she needs it. Giving her a certain amount of freedom is yet another way to show her that we have faith in her, her good judgment and consider her a reasonable human being. So far at least, she seems to have understood it exactly that way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2006
Sat, 11-18-2006 - 10:38am

I dont think anyone is advocating leaving a 10 year old for a long period of time, or with other kids.

Seems like people have been posting about quick trips to the store or things along that line. Why should a kid whos capable a of staying at home be dragged to the grocery store to pick up milk and bread?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 11-18-2006 - 10:39am

Wow - you must be practicing for the Olympics with all of these giant leaps.

Leaving a child alone for a little while hardly equates to to "pushing them to be an adult", making them "take care of the house", or "looking after other kids for long periods of time". If anything, I think many "kids today" are far more coddled and babied than children of previous generations.

Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2005
Sat, 11-18-2006 - 10:40am
My point is that many parents treat their young kids as they are older and let them do things that should not be done until they are older.
A few minutes here and there to leave your "responsible" 10 year old should be fine but not so you can go out for the evening.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2005
Sat, 11-18-2006 - 10:43am
I can teach her that AND go with her. When she goes into 6th grade (she will be just 11) she will have to walk to school. She most likely will come home after school too because I would rather have her walk home a little distance, down a dead end street than to take the bus to her old elementary school for after-care.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 11-18-2006 - 10:45am

I am not sure what sort of things you mean (that the parents in your area are allowing too early), but Scandinavian teens are free to do all sorts of things that would shock most American parents.

In Greece, parents are somewhat stricter in certain things, but 13-14yos go to parties. They go out in groups to cafes, movies and the beach. Most use public transportation by themselves and are expected to manage most of their own extracurriculars. For example, my dd found a place to do track through one of her school friends. The kids went by themselves to sign up at the local town hall where the stadium is (suburb of the city we live in), and dd goes there on the bus as well as returns on the bus, by herself.

I don't think any of this makes her "an adult" in any sense of the word, but at 14 she is obviously much closer to being an adult than to being a 3yo. Nor can I see any real reason why she should not be doing any of the things I mentioned above.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2005
Sat, 11-18-2006 - 10:47am
When my friends and I talk we always talk about how when we were younger we "feared" our parents. Maybe because spanking was more prevalent then and when you got in trouble then, you didn't get a 5 minute time out in your "decked out" room. You got a spanking. That was how things were 30 years ago.

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