The bait and switch

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2003
The bait and switch
72
Thu, 03-01-2012 - 8:18am

About a year ago I was at a party and a husband said his wife pulled "the bait and switch". (She was there and nodded.) He was referring to the job she had premarriage to her stay at home status now that all the kids were in school. I guess there was some agreement when they got married that she would work, then she decided not to but he did not agree with this change, then an agreement she would work when all the kids were in school but she was not trying to get a job and the youngest was in 2nd grade. I was very uncomfortable with the conversation and did an "exit stage left".

Over the past year my husband and

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2000
Mon, 03-05-2012 - 2:46pm

I think that you have hit on something with your post.

The truth may be out there but lies are in your head. Terry Pratchett

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2003
Mon, 03-05-2012 - 3:52pm

Maybe. Or maybe she has reservations about going back but does not know why or can't express them effectively. Maybe she is giving mixed messages. Maybe she does not understand her feeling or feels guilty having them.

I have

Avatar for jamblessedthree
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2001
Mon, 03-05-2012 - 6:30pm
Do these friends have to work.. And would it surprise you to know that chosing to work or sah actually exists for some couples?

Most of my friends irl chose to SAH and our reasons why have a lot in common, Maybe it's just a coincidence but it's only the women I know who have to work that think SAH doesn't matter, My very best friend has always had to work and even with older kids now she still tells me that she wishes she could SAH. There is no telling her what staying home means as I can say something as simple as I'm glad I was home to take the sick call from school today that gets refuted with, staying home wouldn't matter to us because I can just leave work.... So I've given up trying, Lol.

I think SAH does matter for some families, Likewise two working couple homes work too. What's weird are the intersects or exchanges you hear b/w couples, I seriously think those do call for marriage counseling.

 

 

Avatar for rollmops2009
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2009
Tue, 03-06-2012 - 3:37am

I don't think you are unique in having a choice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2003
Tue, 03-06-2012 - 6:31am

I don't live in anybody's world so I don't know exactly why they chose SAH or WOH nor do I really care.

One friend who begged me to help her find a job, found her

Avatar for jamblessedthree
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2001
Tue, 03-06-2012 - 7:40am
Ideas have been thrown out, a big one being getting a 3rd party involved. And I certainly agree with you that if a family can't afford to have a parent AH there shouldn't be one there. Is there anything the couples you know do agree on? I know if my husband and I didn't both agree that we wanted a SAHP, If we didn't see eye to eye on how we spend, how we save things would be very different. I don't think your perspective about missing first steps or work is entirely a male feeling either. What I find a little odd is when a mom who can't SAH wishes she could stay at home but with no real reasons why, There's some stereotype there but I'm sorry I even brought her up.

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2003
Tue, 03-06-2012 - 8:41am

I think SAH moms and WOH moms think the grass is greener sometimes - so maybe she is just like I wish I could SAH.

For example, I wish I could SAH - but then I wouldn't - I would change careers. So I wish I had the option to SAH

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2009
Tue, 03-06-2012 - 8:54am

Avatar for jamblessedthree
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2001
Tue, 03-06-2012 - 9:23am

Ok, This makes sense.

 


 


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-1999
Tue, 03-06-2012 - 9:37am
I think that there are a lot of people out there who really don't know how to make a relationship work and WOH/SAH is a small part of it. I think that there are a lot of people who have issues with working in general, and whether kids are involved or no may not make a difference.

If a couple is having difficulty communicating over one person going back to work, I seriously doubt that every other aspect of their marriage is just fine. My marriage is far from perfect, but we do communicate well. We rarely fight about stuff and we usually work it out when we do. Our work situations have changed several times and each time, we've adapted to what the current situation demanded. We've also moved, made choices about education for ourselves and our kids, bought new vehicles, dealt with aging parents, etc and adapted, changed and communicated as necessary. Working is only one piece of the whole puzzle.

Also, regarding work, I know lots of people who don't want to work, or only want to work part-time, or who are work-aholics, or who only want to work enough to support their hobbies....and they don't have kids. So if people have these types of feelings about work regardless of their parental or marital situation, of course they are going to have them when kids are involved as well. Maybe the kids are just an excuse because the person doesn't really want to get a job, or maybe they aren't. Each person is different. I still say I don't know what I want to be when I grow up (at 42). Not all of us know what we want our life to be from 18 on.

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