The bait and switch

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2003
The bait and switch
72
Thu, 03-01-2012 - 8:18am

About a year ago I was at a party and a husband said his wife pulled "the bait and switch". (She was there and nodded.) He was referring to the job she had premarriage to her stay at home status now that all the kids were in school. I guess there was some agreement when they got married that she would work, then she decided not to but he did not agree with this change, then an agreement she would work when all the kids were in school but she was not trying to get a job and the youngest was in 2nd grade. I was very uncomfortable with the conversation and did an "exit stage left".

Over the past year my husband and

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2009
Thu, 03-01-2012 - 3:19pm

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2009
Thu, 03-01-2012 - 3:13pm

The problem with different retirement dates is that people may not want to stay in the same area after they retire.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2003
Thu, 03-01-2012 - 3:10pm

I agree if this was an issue - a real issue - it shouldn't not be aired as dirty laundry. But this couple is really together and their kids are amazing. So it was sort of said lightly, then she agree, yep I pulled the bait and switch.

I felt uncomfortable (my own issue)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2003
Thu, 03-01-2012 - 3:03pm

Sometimes one party is always compromising. It was clear in the first couple that he was very surprised when she decided not to work, so they compromised, she would go back to work when the kids were in school, until the kids were in school and she was not even considering it.

For me it seems obvious that maybe she should get a job... unless the tables were turned. Let's say

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2010
Thu, 03-01-2012 - 3:02pm

It sounded to me like there was communication and an agreement . . . in this case, not that the dh has just assumed the dw would work and not sah.

“Clearly," said Arthur,"you're an idiot- but you're our kind of idiot. Come on.” 
― Markus ZusakThe Book Thief

Avatar for jamblessedthree
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2001
Thu, 03-01-2012 - 2:23pm
But thinking that a wife would always work (or return to work when kids started school) is very different than effective communication and reaching an agreement that works best. Marriage is all about give and take, And if you can't agree then you compromise somewhere....

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2003
Thu, 03-01-2012 - 2:02pm

I don't think it is only a woman's issue - though it seems to manifest itself that way at his point in our lives.

Probably because of our age - kids are of school age now and the question or working or not is a discussion between the husbands and wives we know.

Avatar for rollmops2009
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2009
Thu, 03-01-2012 - 12:45pm
Oh, the heck with your career ;) Come be my neighbor instead.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2009
Thu, 03-01-2012 - 11:26am

I agree this is not a disagreement that ought to be aired in public, but I have another question?

Avatar for mom34101
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 03-01-2012 - 9:12am
I've never heard of this in the sah v. woh context, but I agree that trashing your spouse in public is really bad form. I'm guessing that there's a lot of tension in this marriage. It was never an issue for my dh and me, but if my dh hadn't been comfortable with me sah, or if it didn't work financially, I wouldn't have done it. I went back to work a little sooner than we planned largely because my dh wanted to start his own business and I could see that we really needed another income to make the ups and downs of a small business work. Like you, I know a few people who've had issues about whether or not to have children and how many to have, including one family where the guy left his wife because, before they got married, she had promised to have children but then reneged. Eventually she relented, they got back together and had a child and have been happily married for 30 years now.

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