Being "stuck"

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
Being "stuck"
87
Fri, 09-10-2010 - 6:08pm
Do you think there's such a thing as being "stuck" in your SAH/WOH circumstances?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2009
Tue, 09-14-2010 - 3:32pm

Yes, I'd have to sell my tiaras and the house in the country. Woe is me.

LMFAO!

(For the sarcastically challenged, we live in a tiny rented flat and have just about enough to make ends meet. Squeaking by.)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2009
Tue, 09-14-2010 - 3:34pm

It's not ALL about the luck of the draw, but there is absolutely an element of luck involved in being able to live on one salary.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2007
Tue, 09-14-2010 - 3:36pm
Exactly.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
Tue, 09-14-2010 - 5:17pm

<>

I agree with Harmony, I see this as an explanation, not an excuse. For example, the house payment one, that's my personal sitch. We have a pretty high house payment, and thus I have to work, and am stuck. It would be near to impossible to get rid of my house, unless we want to lose money. Besides, as a long-term investment, it makes no sense at all. If I could go back in time I'd not buy this house, but alas I cannot. Partly we made a bad financial choice, and I own that fully, but we also did not have the foresight to know the entire market was gonna crash and vastly deflate our house value. And, we didn't buy at the peak either, we bought when the market was still normal. I don't think this is a "crutch," it's just, reality. And the reality is, I'm stuck. I think owning that, and recognizing it qualifies as "making my bed and lying in it."


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
Tue, 09-14-2010 - 5:25pm

I keep focusing on this part of your post, Harmony...

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It seems so contradictory to me... Based on the barriers that you had in place WRT WOH vs. SAH (I have/had a lot of the same ones, so I get it), I don't think there's any way you *could* have possessed foresight. How can you possess foresight for something you never could've forseen? Sometimes, I think you can't possess foresight, until you have hindsight. ;)

IOW, I can see how you possessed foresight the second time around, but that was because you had the benefit of hindsight from the first time around. Learned from your mistakes, so to speak...


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
Tue, 09-14-2010 - 5:32pm
Can you elaborate on how admitting defeat can be empowering? I can definitely see it as responsible, but empowering? I'm not sure I agree with that. Seems to me that the very definition of admitting defeat would be disempowering.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2009
Tue, 09-14-2010 - 6:48pm
ITA
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2008
Tue, 09-14-2010 - 8:17pm
...one example, i have to work because we have four kids, a heavy house payment, all these extra things, i wish i could SAH but i'm stuck. when i hear this i want to reply, yea, because SAH is all about luck of the draw but i keep my mouth shut, LOL.





I think even there they are telling you they care about more than one thing. It's not just they might want to SAH if they could, their situations are more complex than that. They are telling you that they also cared about having a bigger family (four kids), about maintaining a certain standard of living (house payment, extra things). So they wish they could stay home but are glad they have kids, house and things too.





It goes back to what I said earlier. It's about circumstances, choices and luck. It's not all about luck. It's not all about choices either. It's a little of each of those three things and if they were someone else maybe they'd have the kids, the house and the things and still get to SAH like I have. I was lucky, I also made some good choices.





What it sounds to me is that their statement gets under your skin somehow. It's not that THEY are using it as an excuse, they are just giving you information. It bugs you though, maybe because it doesn't feel like they are seeing or acknowledging whatever you have done in your circumstances and with your choices to make your situation be what you wanted it to be. Maybe you think they are attributing your situation to mostly luck, erroneously. If they were to say to me flat out that I was lucky to be able to SAH, I'd have to agree with them, it wouldn't be an error to say that to me.

"Life is the art of drawing without an eraser."


John W. Gardner





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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2008
Tue, 09-14-2010 - 8:28pm
It seems so contradictory to me... Based on the barriers that you had in place WRT WOH vs. SAH (I have/had a lot of the same ones, so I get it), I don't think there's any way you *could* have possessed foresight. How can you possess foresight for something you never could've forseen? Sometimes, I think you can't possess foresight, until you have hindsight. ;)



IOW, I can see how you possessed foresight the second time around, but that was because you had the benefit of hindsight from the first time around. Learned from your mistakes, so to speak...





I mean foresight to know I'd want to SAH. Some girls grow up imagining being a SAHM. Some women realize it as they are planning their family. Some when they get pg. I realized it one week before I was to return from maternity leave, which was about a week after we closed and moved into our first home. Whoops.





There really is no way I could have possessed foresight, which is why I was saying "if only..." No time machine here! But had things been different, they'd have been different. Maybe if I had been raised differently or gone to therapy earlier which helped me realize that I was raised to be something that really didn't suit me all that way (IOW, if I had learned some important things about myself say at age 25 instead of age 32). It wasn't really that I "learned from my mistakes" though I guess that's one way to put it. I'd say I came to certain realizations about myself starting around age 29 and continuing to this day, that I had a gotten some sort of jump start on would have resulted in me making very different choices leading up to the birth of ODD, which might have made SAH with her possible.





Heck, if I had just realized I might want to SAH when I was 7 months pg, I would have stayed in my little apartment and could have maybe worked PT. Instead I was sitting at work 7 months pg and what came over me instead was a sudden and uncontrollable urge to own a home.

"Life is the art of drawing without an eraser."


John W. Gardner





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Ten Rules for Being Human



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"The key to good decision making is not knowledge. It is understanding."
Malcolm Gladwell Blink

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2008
Tue, 09-14-2010 - 8:34pm
I think that can happen when you are facing two choices and you want both. You may admit defeat on one (not being able to SAH) but accept victory on the other (the choice to WOH, be responsible, live the way you want, etc). When you are facing two choices you want and you can't have both, making a decision can, at times, represent standing up for yourself and saying "I don't like it but I'm taking charge here and I feel good about that part of it." If you can hold your head high after making your decision that can be empowering, even if you also feel stuck.

"Life is the art of drawing without an eraser."


John W. Gardner





Photobucket





Ten Rules for Being Human



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"The key to good decision making is not knowledge. It is understanding."
Malcolm Gladwell Blink

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