Being "stuck"

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
Being "stuck"
87
Fri, 09-10-2010 - 6:08pm
Do you think there's such a thing as being "stuck" in your SAH/WOH circumstances?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2008
Thu, 09-16-2010 - 8:41am
my curiosity is if they didn't have high incomes/weren't making "a lot of money" would they still be attracted to them and still be able to SAH..





I don't think they are here to ask, but I can answer. My attraction to my dh was not because he made enough I could SAH. Or more importantly, that he lived a lifestyle and planned his finances in a way that would enable me to bring a child with me into the marriage and birth two more, and SAH without having to move, or downgrade our lifestyle in drastic ways. And when I did SAH it wasn't just because I could. I had planned to return to work even though we could afford for me to SAH. I SAH primarily because my twins very premature and had some health issues from that. However, if he hadn't made as much as he does or if he spent all he made, then the decision to SAH would have been more difficult. I'd have either had to figure out how to keep working, which would have been a bigger challenge than WOH with my oldest. Or we would have had to figure out how to adjust our lifestyle downward practically overnight, not an easy thing to do either. Since my dh both made good money and lived his life a certain way, I didn't have to face that dilemma. Which brings me back to the point that was being made before: I was LUCKY.

"Life is the art of drawing without an eraser."


John W. Gardner





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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2006
Thu, 09-16-2010 - 9:16am

i didn't marry my husband because of his earning potential, either.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2007
Thu, 09-16-2010 - 9:35am

Things change too. The man I fell in love with and married didn't make the income he makes now. We couldn't have predicted his current level of income. Nor, could we have predicted that one of us would sah. It wasn't in our plans.

What was in our plans was to live off of one income from the start. That choice, gave us the ability to have more choices and flexibility when our circumstances changed. (More than just a sah/woh decision) The choice to have children in our thirties when our careers were established gave us more choices when our circumstances changed. We could negotiate more flexible arrangements. We earned more money.

If I had met and fell in love with a man whose earnings were not enough to support a sah AND our circumstances were like they are now (where sah is the best fit for our family), he would be the sahp and I would be the wohp. Because, *I* earned enough to support our household before I sah. Plus, we are natural thrifty people - perhaps that is one of the reasons we get along so well.

The reason that we both were lucky enough to earn enough to support a household is because of our parents and grandparents and great-grandparents were education oriented. And we were given the gift of education. We took advantage of that gift. We were lucky enough to find well paying jobs in an area that has a good economic picture. We were lucky enough to be good at what we did to ensure healthy raises and promotions.

I feel lucky to have found someone who approaches life similarly to me. I am lucky to have found a life partner that views the world similarly to me. I am lucky to have given birth to the children I did. We are very lucky that we have the means and time to support our children so that they will have the best chance at a positive outcome. (One stat I read was the only 2% of children with disabilities graduate from college. We are making darn sure that our boys are in that group.)

For *me*, the fact that we can live nicely on DH's current salary is much more complicated than "I was lucky enough to fall in love with a man with a high paying job."

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2006
Thu, 09-16-2010 - 9:35am

<family, you can

2010 Siggy
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2009
Thu, 09-16-2010 - 9:45am

< i think we're lucky int hat my husband's income is comfortable but even if it wasn't, we'd still have a SAHM >

If your husband didn't make enough money to support your family, you would not be able to SAH.

If SAH is something you really want, you can do it IF AND ONLY IF the WOH partner makes enough to support the family.

If s/he doesn't, then both partners have to work.

It's really not rocket surgery (thank you Puss).

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"Justice, fairness, and the Aquarian way"



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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2009
Thu, 09-16-2010 - 9:48am

It does require a certain income. Sufficient income to feed, house and clothe the family. There is just no way around that, unless you want to talk about going on welfare in order to SAH.

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"Justice, fairness, and the Aquarian way"



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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2006
Thu, 09-16-2010 - 9:58am
you're right, nobody can predict the future, someitmes a pregnancy happens when a coupel is least prepared financially or otherwise for it too, so i get that.

 

Avatar for mommy2amani
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-16-2010 - 10:08am



Just to clarify, since this was brought up by another poster as well, I didn't say "with a high paying job".

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2008
Thu, 09-16-2010 - 10:40am

I'm sure we could take our family to a subsistence level without going on welfare. We could live in a small bug infested hovel in a dangerous neighborhood, eat very cheaply and use all second had clothes, no sports, one car, and one of us could SAH on a very low income of the other one.

That kind of lifestyle would not be acceptable to my dh and I. It is so hard to imagine it might as well be impossible. We would be a dual WOH family long before we got there. So I think it comes down to a balance. You can be stuck because you are stuck between 1) a lifestyle that is acceptable and 2) the lifestyle that could be had on one salary. You can still be stuck even when down grading your lifestyle is a possibility, you get stuck because downgrading your lifestyle to that subsistence level is unacceptable.

I think what egd3 is saying is that you can always downgrade, so you really aren't stuck. I disagree with that and I think you do too, because it's equally important to have a lifestyle that the couple finds acceptable.

"Life is the art of drawing without an eraser."


John W. Gardner





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Ten Rules for Being Human



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"The key to good decision making is not knowledge. It is understanding."
Malcolm Gladwell Blink

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2006
Thu, 09-16-2010 - 10:58am

<pregnancy happens when a coupel is least prepared financially or otherwise for it too, so i get that.>>



I'm not sure if you said this to mean specifically about my situation or just in general.

2010 Siggy

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