Big Fat Lie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2003
Big Fat Lie
870
Sat, 09-11-2004 - 1:41pm
I'm the mother of 2. I have 2 boys, one is 2 1/2, the other is 4 months old. Before I had my second baby, I was a full time nurse and was making more money than my husband. That being said, he never really had a problem with it. The extra money helped us pay for extras. Well, I decided after the second child, that I would stay at home most of the week. I work only 2 days a week, 6 hours a day. Now all of the sudden, I do EVERYTHING. He does not get up at night with this baby, he does not keep the house clean with me, NOTHING I do is important enough. (He plays softball once a week, goes out with the guys after etc.) I do not do anything. (Actually I get to go to Weight Watchers on Fridays while my mom watches the kids.) I have no life anymore, and his life is fantastic! I tried to take a class, but he wouldn't help with the kids enough so I couldn't stick with it.

When we got married we were going to share all responsibilities, take care of the kids TOGETHER, do the housework TOGETHER. It was all just a BIG FAT LIE!!!!

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2002
In reply to: debcote
Sat, 09-18-2004 - 5:37pm
Ah now I get it! The SAHP gets dinner going when the WOHP (who spends his/her time exclusively interacting with the kids) gets home. Then the SAHP does all the cleaning up after dinner, the final straightening up of the house, vacuum cleaning etc. by which time it is probably bed time for the children (I presume that the SAHP is perhaps allowed to participate in the bed time ritual along with the WOHP? you know, that all important family time that is so precious not a minute of it should be wasted on one parent going out anywhere). After the children are in bed, the WOHP relaxs on the couch after a hard day's slog at the office (or perhaps hacking out coal, let's be fair!) while the SAHP goes outside for the next couple of hours to mow the lawn or perhaps shovel the snow (after all the SAHP has the easy life, he/she certainly doesn't need any evening downtime). Oh but wait a minute, what ever happened to that all important family together time if the SAHP is out mowing the lawn or shoveling the walk the whole evening? Oh, right never mind that probably does count as family time :-).

But then, hmmmm, I'm still a bit confused....exactly how did you deal with all the weekend cooking and cleaning during the week?

Laura

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: debcote
Sat, 09-18-2004 - 5:53pm

So I say too. By your definition, Devin should have

"I do not want to be a princess! I want to be myself"

Mallory (age 3)

      &nbs

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
In reply to: debcote
Sat, 09-18-2004 - 5:55pm
I'm not saying do a point by point comparison. If you did, the SAHP would owe the WP at the end of the day. I'm saying that the SAHP has a lot more time for housework and since they're not working a job, it is really their responsibility over the WP and not something they should EXPECT the WP to be comeing home and doing unless they have agreed to that arrangement for whatever reason.

My point is simply that just because one family agrees to dad coming home and doing dishes doesn't mean it's an entitlement for all SAHP's. The OP was whining about the "big fat lie" of sharing everything except she seems to have forgotten that SHE is the one who decided she would not share the wage earning responsiblity. She seems to expect her dh to share the housework in spite of her having decided not to share the wage earning. If on party can opt out of the wage earning why can't the other opt out of housework since housework takes a lot less time than wage earning?

IMO, the SAHP/PTWP situation should benefit all members of the family not just mom. This is why I did all the housework when I WOHPT. What dh got out of the deal was out of doing housework. Unfortunately, he got rather used to not doing it and I got rather used to doing it all and a year after I went back full time we had some issues. Somehow, I managed to keep doing it all even after I went back full time until I pretty much exhausted myself. I have to admit that was my own fault. I should have stopped doing it all as soon as I went back to work. I still have no idea why I didn't or why dh didn't see that it was time to belly up to the bar.

Now I am talking about housework here and treating the WP like a babysitter. That one really grates on my nerves. Dad is dad he's not moms fill in for a break. I'm not saying that mom doesn't get time off when dad is with the kids. Just that mom shouldn't be calling the shots here. When dh takes the girls for a bike ride or to the movies, I get a break but I don't tell him to do those things. When I take the girls to church or swimming at the civic center, dh gets a break but he doesn't tell me to do those things. Neither of us would tell the other to take the kids so we can get a break. That's not the purpose of 1:1 time. However, the other parent getting a break is a side effect of 1:1 time.

If you need a break, and it sure sounded like the OP did, you schedule it yourself. You don't whine about how your spouse isn't seeing to your need to have time to yourself. You just take what you need. There are plenty of ways to manage that from trading off babysitting services with a friend to moms morning out programs.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2002
In reply to: debcote
Sat, 09-18-2004 - 6:04pm

EVERYONE needs to take time to themselves.

Okmrsmommy-36, CPmom to DD-16 and DS-14

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2002
In reply to: debcote
Sat, 09-18-2004 - 6:12pm
But you aren't getting it.

Okmrsmommy-36, CPmom to DD-16 and DS-14

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2002
In reply to: debcote
Sat, 09-18-2004 - 6:19pm

Yes, you do have to take care of your spouse, but part of being a SPOUSE is doing for each other.

Okmrsmommy-36, CPmom to DD-16 and DS-14

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2002
In reply to: debcote
Sat, 09-18-2004 - 6:25pm

Considering you have ignored this in every other post in this thread and also the numerous previous threads over this subject, I'm sure you won't respond this time either, but let's try, kay?


What about the stuff that has to be done in the evening or on the weekend when the WOHP is home?

Okmrsmommy-36, CPmom to DD-16 and DS-14

Avatar for myshkamouse
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: debcote
Sat, 09-18-2004 - 6:33pm
Mmm, probably. That would explain alott of the posts.

MM

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2003
In reply to: debcote
Sat, 09-18-2004 - 6:35pm
Oh, I'm just being smart. I thought that would be obvious! ;)

Meldi

Meldi
Avatar for myshkamouse
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: debcote
Sat, 09-18-2004 - 6:36pm
Absolutely. When I get home from work, especially when I've been traveling, I can't *wait* to spend time with my twins. I spend every moment they are awake with them that I can when I'm not at work. I even schlepp them out with me on my early morning runs, and errands, etc. I'm not going to miss any at home time with them as it helps balance out the time I'm away.


MM

Pages