Big Fat Lie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2003
Big Fat Lie
870
Sat, 09-11-2004 - 1:41pm
I'm the mother of 2. I have 2 boys, one is 2 1/2, the other is 4 months old. Before I had my second baby, I was a full time nurse and was making more money than my husband. That being said, he never really had a problem with it. The extra money helped us pay for extras. Well, I decided after the second child, that I would stay at home most of the week. I work only 2 days a week, 6 hours a day. Now all of the sudden, I do EVERYTHING. He does not get up at night with this baby, he does not keep the house clean with me, NOTHING I do is important enough. (He plays softball once a week, goes out with the guys after etc.) I do not do anything. (Actually I get to go to Weight Watchers on Fridays while my mom watches the kids.) I have no life anymore, and his life is fantastic! I tried to take a class, but he wouldn't help with the kids enough so I couldn't stick with it.

When we got married we were going to share all responsibilities, take care of the kids TOGETHER, do the housework TOGETHER. It was all just a BIG FAT LIE!!!!

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: debcote
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 11:14pm
So they should be exempt from any and all housework, ever? Thats simply ridiculous and you know it.


dj

Dj

"Now when I need help, I look in the mirror" ~Kanye West~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: debcote
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 11:17pm
Yes but define *normal*, lol. You cant. Each situation is going to be unique. A sah mom with 3 kids under 5 is going to have a lot less time for housework than a sah mom with 2 older, more self sufficient kids.


dj

Dj

"Now when I need help, I look in the mirror" ~Kanye West~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: debcote
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 11:30pm
Homemaking is a fulltime job. Just ask all the people who provide such services for pay. The wage earner would have to pay alot of real time wages for the services the average sahp provides.

When my dh comes home from work the house is clean, necessary shopping is done, the children have been supervised, homework is done and dinner is ready. Appointments have been made and kept, the family finances are current, important family dates have been remembered (MIL's b'day was just last week, she has her own version of wmds should it be forgotten, lol) PTA meetings were had, soccer practice was attended, the various school voluteering commitments were held, the dog was walked and in my case today 2 cords of firewood were stacked out back. Forget the gym, by entire body is just one big sore muscle tonite and it didn't involve expensive equipment!

Sooooo, if I want a night out with friends I've done my fair share, dh knows it and tells me to have a good time. Fortunately for us we function as a loving team rather than jealous entities who are constantly on the lookout for inequities.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2002
In reply to: debcote
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 1:10am
I don't always actively play with the kids at the park either, but there is no way I could have sat back on a bench somewhere and supervised my kids from a distance under the age of 2 or 3. Perhaps the parks are different where I live, perhaps my kids are much more likely to roam and try very dangerous things. There were always areas of open water nearby, equipment much too dangerous for a 2 year old to climb (and mine would more than happily try). It wasn't about playing with them....it was a pure safety issue. I still preferred to have them in sight at all times even up until they were 5 (actually, I still keep dd in sight at all times, she is a daredevil and doesn't always recognise her limits). There is no way I would bring a book to the park to read, though I might now be able to sit on a bench for awhile.

I was always able to get most of the housework done most days as well. I like a clean, neat and tidy atmosphere and that is usually what I managed. However, there were always things left over for the weekend that I found too difficult to do on my own while supervising kids when they were very young (lawn mowing, snow shoveling, sometimes heavy bathroom cleaning, laundry when we had the facilities in the basement of an apartment building). Those things got done on the weekend together.


Laura

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: debcote
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 5:19am
I don't think many, or any, people are saying it's impossible to do particular tasks when your kids are home and awake, even when small; IMO the problem is that it is inconsistent with what most of us consider *the* valuable part of SAH parenting to be spending our time making the baseboards sparkle. If, when DS was that age, I needed to get a long stretch of housework or food prep done, I had two choices - I could try to get him absorbed in his Thomas the Tank Engine stuff, or, if he wasn't biting, it was video time - I just don't pretend that was the type of supervision I was home to provide. Once in a while, for you or for me not to be interacting or paying much attention to the kids beyond making sure they don't hurt themselves, it's no harm. If you were doing it EVERY DAY you might see the worth-of-SAHM-cancelling disadvantages to it that we do.

This may also be one of those areas also where people overlook that some things are sometimes harder to do uninterrupted when you have one child. I am de facto sibling substitute as well as mom. There have been many times when I have had DS have a playmate over *in order to* get some housework done. (Not that I have the mistaken impression that siblings generally play well together - my brother and I often came up with things to do specifically in order to avoid each other, but that worked to get us out of Mom's hair too.)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2004
In reply to: debcote
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 6:42am
I agree that small projects are the rule of the day. We can all pay bills or do laundry or cook at select times throughout the day. But full-on bleach cleaning of tub, shower, toilet and tiles have to wait until someone else is watching the children or children are asleep.

GKK is making it sound like we moms have an opportunity to simply teach our young children soon after infancy to play on their own for long stretches of time. I really don't think you can train them in that way. My 3 are normal, happy children, but when I leave the room, they follow me. I've also known friends who tried to teach their young children to be independent so they could work at home. It never works, mom ends up frustrated and the family ends up using dc.

For a few short years, the child wins, and I can live with that. My house was cleaned top to bottom at the end of last week. Today, Tuesday, it's a mess with toys everywhere. It happens.

Avatar for kerry88
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
In reply to: debcote
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 8:20am
You bring up a good point that reminds me. My sister, a former SAHM (now PTWOH) was trying to "do it all" one day with her 1 year old and 3.5 year old playing. She was cleaning the bathroom including bleaching the toilet. Well, she turned to put the bleach away in the high childproofed cabinet and when she turned back, her one year old was reaching into the freshly bleached toilet splashing around.

Horrified, she called poison control, who sent an entire rescue (fire truck and all) to her house. Luckily, the bleach had dissipated and there was no problem, but you can bet that she never ever did that again!

My 9 month old pretty much requires constant attention at this point. Whenever I get to post here during the day, it's nursing time and he's on my lap. He's also just learning to walk, so I need to be nearby to tend to him when he falls and gets scared. I just don't know how I'd be expected to make the hardwoods gleam while watching him. It's not the reason I SAH.

Kerry with Campbell Elizabeth 11.03.06 and Benjamin Brady 12.10.03
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: debcote
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 8:59am
Why?

<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /> 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: debcote
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 9:18am
When I made a promise to love, honor and cherish I thought that it carried some obligation to try to make my DH's live happier. While is it true that everyone is ultimately responsible for their own happiness I do think that a spouse has a responsibility to try to facilitate it by doing things that they know makes their spouse happy and by not doing things that they know makes them sad/mad. Once a spouse knows that leaving their dirty clothes on the floor makes their spouse feel disrepected then to continue to do so means that they are not honoring or cherishing them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2003
In reply to: debcote
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 9:41am
I want a partner/spouse that is WILLING and ABLE

Choose your friends by their character and your socks by their color.  Choosing your socks by their character makes no sense and choosing your friends by their color is unthinkable.

Pages