Big Fat Lie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2003
Big Fat Lie
870
Sat, 09-11-2004 - 1:41pm
I'm the mother of 2. I have 2 boys, one is 2 1/2, the other is 4 months old. Before I had my second baby, I was a full time nurse and was making more money than my husband. That being said, he never really had a problem with it. The extra money helped us pay for extras. Well, I decided after the second child, that I would stay at home most of the week. I work only 2 days a week, 6 hours a day. Now all of the sudden, I do EVERYTHING. He does not get up at night with this baby, he does not keep the house clean with me, NOTHING I do is important enough. (He plays softball once a week, goes out with the guys after etc.) I do not do anything. (Actually I get to go to Weight Watchers on Fridays while my mom watches the kids.) I have no life anymore, and his life is fantastic! I tried to take a class, but he wouldn't help with the kids enough so I couldn't stick with it.

When we got married we were going to share all responsibilities, take care of the kids TOGETHER, do the housework TOGETHER. It was all just a BIG FAT LIE!!!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: debcote
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 9:42am
Oh.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2003
In reply to: debcote
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 9:43am

I so agree. I am a big proponent (thanks Dr. Phil) of knowing that only we can make ourselves happy and if we can't be happy alone, we can't be happy in a relationship. I absolutely can not and will not depend on others to make me happy.


However, I do expect (and this phrasing is to xh's credit) anyone I'm in a relationship with to *contribute* to my happiness.



Choose your friends by their character and your socks by their color.  Choosing your socks by their character makes no sense and choosing your friends by their color is unthinkable.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
In reply to: debcote
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 10:10am
Important traits.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2003
In reply to: debcote
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 10:34am

No, not all needs. Don't be obtuse.


I expect any man I love (in fact, couldn't love him without this) to be willing to do what I need (note I didn't say what I want) if he's able to do so without undue consequences upon himself.

Choose your friends by their character and your socks by their color.  Choosing your socks by their character makes no sense and choosing your friends by their color is unthinkable.

Avatar for 1969jets
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: debcote
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 10:50am
I have to disagree STRONLY with your statement "You don't expect someone else to take care of your needs. You do it yourself."

We got married so that dh and I could make each other happy. If there is something missing in my life I look to him to help provide it. And if there is something missing in his life I do what I can to provide it for him. Within reason of course. I think that if you are married your spouse SHOULD be helping you take care of your needs.

If I didn't think that dh would be there for me, in whatever capacity I needed him, I would never have married him. I find your attitude toward married life is lacking.

Jenna


Avatar for 1969jets
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: debcote
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 10:54am
When a couple joins their lives together I always assume that the other's happiness if of paramount importance. I know that dh's happiness is one of the most important concerns in my life. I also beleive that my happiness in very important to him.

If you are not concerned with the happiness of your spouse why bother being married?

Jenna

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: debcote
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 10:58am

It isn't just about happiness either. I married Devin and promised to love him and help him. His needs were very important to me and my needs were important to him.


Marriage is a partnership. Not a battle of wills. Not a contest on who does more. A partnership.


I think some women can not get past the lack of a paycheck to realize that even SAHM marriages are partnerships. There is more to equalness and love than money.


"I do not want to be a princess! I want to be myself"

Mallory (age 3)

      &nbs

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-1997
In reply to: debcote
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 11:37am
I don't get it. You're supposed to play with the kids all day and fit in housework in between play times? And then when they run out of clean clothes, or you don't have anything for dinner, or the toilet seat gets so grungy you can't sit on it you just say, sorry, we were playing all day?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
In reply to: debcote
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 11:38am
You are barking up the wrong tree here. No, I don't look to my dh first to satisfy my needs. But now that I am part of a married couple, I don't care how my needs are met, through his support, on my own power, or a combination of the two. If I had not been willing to develop a level of interdependence with my dh, I would not have gotten married. What would be the point? If I can't offer him something he could get all on his own, and he can't offer me something I could get all on my own, why would we form a permanent bond together?

I am a very strong and determined person. It took me a very long time to allow my dh to do things for me. When we first met, he hated that I wouldn't let him carry heavy things for me or open doors for me. I was not one to appreciate being helped; I saw being helped as a sign of weakness. Had I not been able to change my attitude about that and learn that it is okay to let others give to me, I would not have gotten married. I highly doubt my dh would have married me either. I am the kind of woman who shovels two and a half feet of snow from the driveway when nine months pregnant because she didn't want to wake up her sleeping and exhausted dh. I am the kind of woman who encourages her dh to go to Asia on a (spontaneous) trip of a lifetime even though she has four children under 6 (two in diapers, one still breastfeeding), has no reliable babysitting and is fighting a nasty sinus infection. I don't need someone to tell me about the merits of relying on oneself to meet one's needs. I need to be reminded on occasion that it is okay to rely on others.

I guess people who are thinking that every one of their needs must be met by oneself with no support from a spouse evidentally do not share my belief that a marriage is about being part of a team, working together toward common goals.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
In reply to: debcote
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 12:08pm
Ha, you are pointing out a funny thing that usually ends up happening in these threads. After a while, some disgruntled SAHP feels put out by the implication that SAHPs don't hold up their end of the housekeeping bargain and ends up bragging about the impossible amount of hypercleaning she does at her home; she even gives us a schedule of every cleaning task performed, much to our delight. Then someone points out that to do so means that she can't possibly be spending any quality time with her children. Then some SAHP who does no housework--not a stitch ever--has to share that she spends upwards of 23 hours a day providing meaningful, enriching interaction with her children and that that must obviously be a superior way to live.

You can't win here in the world of extremes, can you?

(I love your comment about inviting a playmate over in order to get to some housework. My problem with that is that I have to do housework BEFORE the playmate comes over so that when the parent drops him off, she doesn't call the health department and/or make up some emergency excuse why her child can't possible come in to play! Be very suspicious if I ask your ds over to my house for a playdate and I offer to pick him up AND drop him off...)

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