Big Fat Lie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2003
Big Fat Lie
870
Sat, 09-11-2004 - 1:41pm
I'm the mother of 2. I have 2 boys, one is 2 1/2, the other is 4 months old. Before I had my second baby, I was a full time nurse and was making more money than my husband. That being said, he never really had a problem with it. The extra money helped us pay for extras. Well, I decided after the second child, that I would stay at home most of the week. I work only 2 days a week, 6 hours a day. Now all of the sudden, I do EVERYTHING. He does not get up at night with this baby, he does not keep the house clean with me, NOTHING I do is important enough. (He plays softball once a week, goes out with the guys after etc.) I do not do anything. (Actually I get to go to Weight Watchers on Fridays while my mom watches the kids.) I have no life anymore, and his life is fantastic! I tried to take a class, but he wouldn't help with the kids enough so I couldn't stick with it.

When we got married we were going to share all responsibilities, take care of the kids TOGETHER, do the housework TOGETHER. It was all just a BIG FAT LIE!!!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: debcote
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 9:43am

Funny you should ask, because she is now doing 1.5 or 2 hours more of housework a day than previously.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: debcote
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 9:44am
Well, you're still not spending that time cooking exclusively and doing nothing else.

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Avatar for phyreblade
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: debcote
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 10:38am
Well, I'm a proponent of a father spending quality time with his children, with the side-benefit that mommy gets a break now and then.
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Avatar for phyreblade
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: debcote
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 10:46am

Actually, the OP was complaining that her husband does little to nothing around the house, including refusing to help care for his own children.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2002
In reply to: debcote
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 11:09am
That sounds quite reasonable....getting more time to do other things as the kids get older was my experience as well. Expecting someone to have every scrap of the housework done every day and never need the WOHP to pitch in with things when when the SAHP is dealing with children under the age of 1 or 2 is flat-out unreasonable imo. If that is what you and your dh would have expected from a SAHP, then I can see why being a SAHP absolutely did not appeal to either one of you....the unbalance in work-load would be difficult to put up with.

The thing is, in many families who have chosen to have a SAHP (I am talking about families where the decision was agreed on by all, not a unilateral decision by one person) the expected work-load and focus for the SAHP (from both the SAHP and the WOHP) would be similar to what you expect from your nanny: the primary focus should be the children and sometimes housework simply won't get completely done. It certainly shouldn't get done at the expense of the quality of care the SAHP provides the children, though it should usually be possible to keep up with most of the day-to-day stuff, especially as the kids get older.

Laura

Avatar for 1969jets
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: debcote
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 11:26am
I don't have lots of downtime when I am cooking. I can't speak for anyone else but I clean the surfaces that came in contact with the raw meat. I clean the knives and cutting boards. Then I move on to preparing the rest of the meal.

But regardless of whether you can sneak a peak at the newspaper or tv for a few minutes if you are cooking you really can't be doing much of anything else. I can't go outside and pull weeds if that is what needs to be done. I need to be inside when I am cooking. I can't do grocery shopping while dinner is cooking. I can't go upstairs and clean the closets if that is what needs to be done.

There seems to be this notion that SAHMs have every second of the day to do whatever they want so they should never as their dh for a break because their entire life is a break. And I know that just isn't true. The fact of the matter is that if you have to be in a certain place you are simply not available to do something in another place.

Jenna

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2003
In reply to: debcote
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 11:37am
I cook a lot and if I'm doing something like stir fry, fajitas, etc. - of course I need to be in the kitchen. But these don't take an hour+ to make.

If I'm baking chicken, doing a roast, etc. - pop it in the oven for 30 minutes (or the slow cooker) and I can walk away and do something else around the house.

I probably shouldn't leave the house if something's in the oven, but I have taken the dog for a walk around the block. Maybe I'm not cooking as "fancy" of meals as you are, but I usually have a chunk of downtime when I'm making dinner.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-1997
In reply to: debcote
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 2:11pm
We have a home cooked meal almost every night, but I do a lot of "bulk cooking" so that I am *not* tied to the stove all the time. Tonight's dinner is going to be spaghetti and meat sauce, green salad and blueberry crumble. The sauce and dessert are defrosting right now, the greens were torn and washed when I brought them home from the store Saturday, and dinner prep will consist of heating up the sauce and dessert, grating some cheese, and boiling the spaghetti water -- maybe 40 minutes tops. If you are spending two hours a night preparing dinner, it's because you want to, not because you have to.
Avatar for kerry88
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
In reply to: debcote
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 3:14pm
How often do you do your bulk cooking and how much time does it take to do it? Who watches your kids while you're cooking it?

Some people would rather cook a home cooked meal on a nightly basis than spend all day Saturday or Sunday cooking. Also, some people really hate frozen food and prefer to eat fresh.

Kerry with Campbell Elizabeth 11.03.06 and Benjamin Brady 12.10.03
Avatar for 1969jets
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: debcote
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 3:26pm
I don't make fancy meals at all. Roast meat, vegetable dish and some sort of starch are the norm. The place where I burn alot of time is that I clean up the kitchen as I go along so there isn't that much left to clean up at the end. I also roast lots of stuff on my gas grill and you really have to stay on top of that stuff more than when cook stuff in the oven.

BTW-I think it is a fire hazard to leave food cooking unattended.

Jenna

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