Big Fat Lie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2003
Big Fat Lie
870
Sat, 09-11-2004 - 1:41pm
I'm the mother of 2. I have 2 boys, one is 2 1/2, the other is 4 months old. Before I had my second baby, I was a full time nurse and was making more money than my husband. That being said, he never really had a problem with it. The extra money helped us pay for extras. Well, I decided after the second child, that I would stay at home most of the week. I work only 2 days a week, 6 hours a day. Now all of the sudden, I do EVERYTHING. He does not get up at night with this baby, he does not keep the house clean with me, NOTHING I do is important enough. (He plays softball once a week, goes out with the guys after etc.) I do not do anything. (Actually I get to go to Weight Watchers on Fridays while my mom watches the kids.) I have no life anymore, and his life is fantastic! I tried to take a class, but he wouldn't help with the kids enough so I couldn't stick with it.

When we got married we were going to share all responsibilities, take care of the kids TOGETHER, do the housework TOGETHER. It was all just a BIG FAT LIE!!!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2002
In reply to: debcote
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 3:11pm
Well, to be perfectly honest I'm quite similar. I personally liked getting the kids to play on their own a bit while I got things straightened up and cleaned around the house. I am far too much of a neat-nik to leave everything for the evenings, but an awful lot of the cleaning I did during the day involved picking up after the kids, cleaning up after meals, laundry and house organisation. I didn't always manage to get to more in-depth cleaning.

I do think, however, that my overall stress levels were far less than many SAHPs who are saddled with all the housework because dh didn't expect me to have everything spotless and organised for him when he got home. 9 times out of 10 I did have most of the housework done, but I didn't feel pressure to get it done if everything was falling apart on any particular day for whatever reason. Caring for the kids as my top priority was how we understood the arrangement, everything else that got done during the day was gravy...the fact that I managed to get most things done during the day made our lives easier on the weekends, but the world didn't end if it didn't happen. I don't know if that makes much sense?

Laura


Edited 9/24/2004 3:37 pm ET ET by laura_w2

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2002
In reply to: debcote
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 3:24pm
I guess it depends on how the schedules are structured. For us, the extra 8 hours per week buys a lot of time for afternoon activities. One friend of mine splits the part time with her dh: they each work 90% (about 36 hours per week, plus 5 for lunch, so total work time for each is 41 hours) and they juggle the drop-offs and pick-ups so that one drops off one day while the other starts work at 7am and finishes at 2.30pm then they reverse. The end result for them is that both father and mother have a stretch of several hours in the afternoon to do things with the kids during the week. They are both, btw, in quite senior positions in the companies the work in.

Whether this might be a good thing or not I guess depends on personal preference. Dh enjoys his early days with the kids as do I. We have also found that our kids do better overall (in terms of mood and energy level) when picked up by 3 or so rather than 5. This, of course, depends on individual children's needs. And, as you also point out, the loss of 8 hours per week doesn't make much of a difference at work.

Laura

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-1997
In reply to: debcote
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 3:54pm
I work full time but I agree that when you have school age kids, getting off by 3 is a huge difference compared to getting off by 5. I pick up my older kid at 3:25 and and we are home by 3:45 when the younger one bursts through the door. This schedule allows them to get their homework, piano/viola practice done before dinner, also allows for after-school activities -- i.e., viola lessons, piano lessons, horseback riding, etc. and still means we get to eat dinner together as a family most nights (I get dinner on the table while supervising the kids' homework and practice). A couple of nights a week we have evening activities from 6-8ish (Scouts for the older one on Monday, baseball games twice a week right now for the younger one). If I didn't get off until 5, we'd be trying to cram homework, music practice, and dinner into the window between 5:30 and when evening activites start -- or the kids would be able to participate in fewer activities. That wouldn't be the end of the world, but I''m glad I don't have to tell my kid, "No, you can't do viola, because the lessons start at 4 and I don't get off until 5."
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: debcote
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 4:23pm

"If I didn't get off until 5, we'd be trying to cram homework, music practice, and dinner into the window between 5:30 and when evening activites start -- or the kids would be able to participate in fewer activities. "


Why?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
In reply to: debcote
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 4:24pm
No? Then increase your hours 5 to 10 per week and get back to us on whether it makes an appreciable difference. After all, if 5 to 10 hours per week isn't big enough to affect your life one way or the other by decreasing it, increasing it should similarly have no difference.

Karen

"A pocketknife is like a melody;
sharp in some places,
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: debcote
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 4:30pm
I'm sorry, I

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2002
In reply to: debcote
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 4:39pm
Are you assuming that everyone has the possibility of getting a nanny? Other than a having a nanny to get the kids to all the activities, supervise homework and music lessons and assist them with getting dressed (if required), how would you propose the kids get all of the above on their own? A 6 yo on the bus alone getting to swim class, for example? I suppose it might be possible that 6 yo could handle taking public transport or biking to the pool alone, showering alone, getting to the right class (hopefully without falling in the pool along the way with no responsible adult around to watch out for him/her), getting showered and dressed afterwards, then getting home by bus or bike again. I'm quite sure my kids couldn't handle that at the age of 6, but I won't say it's impossible.....A 7 yo home alone trying to figure out how to practice and do homework on his/her own? Again, I'm sure there are kids who would be able to do this, but not mine.

Obviously, you and your children would have nothing to gain from a cut-back in your or your husband's work hours since you do have a nanny to take care of all the activities during the week. Not everyone has that possibility, so cutting a few hours to get some more afternoon time does pay off for some. Of course, I also enjoy being a part of the kids' activities, homework and practices just as they enjoy having me and dh be there. Homework supervision is usually the time I hear the most about what is going on in ds's class and how he feels about everything. I find that it is an important time in which I can gain a better understanding of his life at school and his relationships with his teacher and the other kids. But that is perhaps a less tangible gain.

Laura

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: debcote
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 4:48pm
I like working and I always have. But I would never be willing to do anything that seriously degraded my quality of life unless it was a matter of survival. Work included.

Jenna

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2004
In reply to: debcote
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 4:54pm
IME as a parent kids do need help with their homework.

Studying spelling words. Helping them with their math. Helping them with anything they don't understand.

Music practice, no. But if the kid needs to get to music practice, then yes, they need someone to take them.

Paige

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2004
In reply to: debcote
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 4:55pm
That was making me scratch my head.

Dh & I need to be here. Not both of us, we just are lucky that we are both here. But one of us, definately.

I don't even like to hire a sitter for us to go out on the rare occasion. Why would I want to hire a nanny? I wouldn't.]\

Paige

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