Can a child be better off in daycare?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2005
Can a child be better off in daycare?
Mon, 01-21-2008 - 12:41am

I'm a first time mom struggling along. I worked outside the home for about a year. Roughly half my income went to childcare. My DH was mad that I wasn't keeping the house clean enough, getting dinner on the table well enough, paying enough attention to my daughter and to him.

So now I've been a SAHM for about 8 months. My DH is mad that I'm not keeping the house clean enough, meal planning/shopping like he thinks I should, paying enough attention to my daughter and to him. He's been threatening to "fire" me from being a SAHM because "you don't seem to want to take care of your daughter so I guess we need to pay someone else to do it". A few weeks ago I said "okay, I will go back to work", but he doesn't really want that either.

My mom and step-mom say I'm a good mom. It seems to me that DH is somewhat skewed in his viewpoint. I'm ADD and know that my attention roams and that I don't always have the clearest sense of myself. Also know that things like "details", "organization", "time management" are not my strengths. Listening to DH sounds like I'm a failure. Not sure if I'm keeping the DH or not, but that's a whole 'nuther topic.

I think my daughter might be more stimulated in a good daycare - playing with other kids, more structured activities/time. I would miss her and feel split down the middle again and I would be working to pay for her care (+ other expenses if DH and I split). It is nice to have contact with adults, however I'm not in a position to work at a job I really care about. I would most likely be back at clerical/admin work and bored out of my mind most of the time.

Should I "fire" myself and hire a professional? Any objective criteria?


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 01-21-2008 - 6:49am
I am sure you are fine mom. Your dh sounds like an ass and if anyone needs to get fired, it is he. As far as your dd, I am sure she will be fine either way. However, it does not sound like it is really smart for you to stay home at this point given your dh's attitude. Does he feel that he has any responsibility at all for taking care of dinner, the house and the kid? Even my neanderthal dh will cook and shop for food, for example.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2000
Mon, 01-21-2008 - 7:38am

I don't think that SAH, WOH, or day care are the problem here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2007
Mon, 01-21-2008 - 8:09am

Given the question mark on your marriage, you need to put yourself in position to support your child should the need arise.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2004
Mon, 01-21-2008 - 8:20am
All great advice so far, but I'd like to add that your dh needs to get a clue.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2003
Mon, 01-21-2008 - 9:40am
Sounds like you need to have a "come to the light" discussion with your DH.

Avatar for mkatherine
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 01-21-2008 - 9:48am

I don't think this question is about your child. you sound like a good and caring mom. I think this question is about where YOU would be better off? as a divorced single mom who has found IMMENSE Happiness being divorced from someone who belittled me at every chance I empathize. BUT as a divorced single mom I also caution you that you need to get your financial house in order and really understand your choices. I do believe marriage counseling should be the first step and your DH needs to have his come to jesus moment and realize he's not the boss of you he's your partner -- he can't fire you. he can't order you. You are his partner not his employee. if he wants a maid and a secretary he can go hire one.

put YOURSELF first but be practical and thoughtful. get good counseling for yourself too. and know that You ARE a good mom -- good moms are not only defined by time management, supper making and detail keeping. If they were then I'd be the worst mom int he world. Take care of yourself and keep us posted.

"If gay Americans are not allowed to get married and have all the benefits that American citizens are entitled to by the Bill of Rights, they should get one hell of a tax break. That is my opinion,"

- Jeane "Dear Abby" Phillips, in an interview with Lisa Leff.


Yes. We. Did.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2005
Mon, 01-21-2008 - 9:54am

Okay, at first glance, your husband sounds like a jerk. But since we are hearing your side of it, the thought has crossed my mind that you might be talking out of frustration. That an unbiased accounting of the facts would be that you both felt that the house was out of control and your daughter was not getting enough attention, and decided together that you would stay home. And maybe, since you admit to being ADD, etc, the truth is that now that you are home, you are not being the SAHM you imagined you'd be. Like maybe you are not spending the time taking care of the house and your daughter, but instead spending the time indulging yourself. If that is the case, you would know it better than anyone. And I am not going to judge you for it. For some people, the idea of housework is torture (me included) and gathering the motivation to do it is next to impossible. And it may be that you can only spend so much time interacting at a child's level before being bored out of your mind.

So, objectively speaking, is there any truth to what he is saying, or is he truly a jerk? Is it possible that you are not cut out for the full-time SAHM gig and that your family would be better off if you worked--either part-time or full-time? Is your reason for not wanting to work that you think SAH works better for your family? Or is it that you don't want to work?

I do believe there are some women who are not cut out for the SAHM thing. I am a much better wife and mother when I get out of the house 20 hrs a week and have some adult interaction and intellectual stimulation than I am when I am home 24/7. I get more done around the house, my interaction with my children is more positive, I feel more energetic and do not procrastinate as much.

So--it's possible that WOH with a child in day care could be better for a family, but you are the only one who can say if that is the case for your daughter.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2007
Mon, 01-21-2008 - 10:29am

>>You might ask him to think about his own self-interest, since he's so put out about your poor housekeeping and child care abilities.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2007
Mon, 01-21-2008 - 11:15am
My opinion is that your performance as a wife and a mother isn't the issue.
Avatar for myshkamouse
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 01-21-2008 - 11:26am

Frankly your DH sounds like a jerk. Seriously. I wouldnt put up with my DH telling me how to parent, clean, etc. I'll take constructive criticism but not out right insults. Nope no way. If he thinks things have to be done a certain way, tell HIM to do them. He can make his own dinner, etc.

You sound like a fine mom. Just figure out if you want to be a fine mom with a lousy acting husband.....