Can a child be better off in daycare?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2005
Can a child be better off in daycare?
29
Mon, 01-21-2008 - 12:41am

I'm a first time mom struggling along. I worked outside the home for about a year. Roughly half my income went to childcare. My DH was mad that I wasn't keeping the house clean enough, getting dinner on the table well enough, paying enough attention to my daughter and to him.

So now I've been a SAHM for about 8 months. My DH is mad that I'm not keeping the house clean enough, meal planning/shopping like he thinks I should, paying enough attention to my daughter and to him. He's been threatening to "fire" me from being a SAHM because "you don't seem to want to take care of your daughter so I guess we need to pay someone else to do it". A few weeks ago I said "okay, I will go back to work", but he doesn't really want that either.

My mom and step-mom say I'm a good mom. It seems to me that DH is somewhat skewed in his viewpoint. I'm ADD and know that my attention roams and that I don't always have the clearest sense of myself. Also know that things like "details", "organization", "time management" are not my strengths. Listening to DH sounds like I'm a failure. Not sure if I'm keeping the DH or not, but that's a whole 'nuther topic.

I think my daughter might be more stimulated in a good daycare - playing with other kids, more structured activities/time. I would miss her and feel split down the middle again and I would be working to pay for her care (+ other expenses if DH and I split). It is nice to have contact with adults, however I'm not in a position to work at a job I really care about. I would most likely be back at clerical/admin work and bored out of my mind most of the time.

Should I "fire" myself and hire a professional? Any objective criteria?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2007
Mon, 01-21-2008 - 12:37pm

Personally, It sounds like your dh is an ass!! I think you need to do some serious thinking about what you want for your life! Do you want to stay at home, do you want to work, do you want to stay married or be a single mom. No man is worth staying in a relationship and being verbally abused every day!!

Lori

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2007
Mon, 01-21-2008 - 5:51pm
I think if your marriage is shaky and <> then you should return to work.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2005
Tue, 01-22-2008 - 11:03am

Thank you for all the replies.

Avatar for mkatherine
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 01-22-2008 - 11:10am

Here is what you need to do my dear.

 

Yes. We. Did.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2004
Tue, 01-22-2008 - 11:25am
It's absolutely heartbreaking to read such a lucid description of a mom in pain.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-1998
Tue, 01-22-2008 - 3:18pm

Before you fire yourself, post a job description. List everything that is required of you during the day, from cleaning the house, making excellent dinners, caring for your child, teaching her, playing with her, having lots of energy for sex, etc. Then check yourself into a day spa and tell your DH to accomplish everything on the list. When you get home, walk around the house with him to make sure he's done it all correctly and point out any areas that need improving. Diaper genie not emptied? Give him a minus. Take out instead of a home-cooked meal? Ditto. Toys where they shouldn't be? Let him know.


This is not a WOH/SAH issue, this is a marital issue. Your DH doesn't appreciate you as a human being in any role. No one could thrive in that situation. You need some counseling with or without him. Don't make any work/life decisions without it!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2005
Tue, 01-22-2008 - 5:27pm

After reading your second post, it sounds like first impressions were correct and your husband is just being a jerk. For a moment, I thought it was possible that your husband was speaking from the frustration of coming home from a long day at work to have to do all the housework, and that you were speaking from the frustration of knowing there was some truth to what he was saying, and not knowing how to fix it.

but if he is currently at home and not only refusing to help you, but going a step further and criticizing you for not doing enough while he's playing video games, that would be unacceptable in my book. I agree with other posters that the problem here is not your work status or your housekeeping, but your husband. Has he always been this way? Or did this just start with him being laid off?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Tue, 01-22-2008 - 11:41pm

Sounds like your husband is

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 01-23-2008 - 12:04am
I think that the best thing for a child is a little of both worlds.
Avatar for ariesgirl26
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 01-23-2008 - 6:50am