Comments from dh's whose wives are sah

Avatar for murfee628
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Registered: 03-27-2003
Comments from dh's whose wives are sah
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Mon, 07-07-2003 - 1:00pm
I thought this would be the appropriate place to post this. Lately, now that I am in my early 40's and have couples as friends that same age, our kids range in ages from 3-14, I hear more often than not, husbands of the sahm commenting about that status. For example, friends of ours who have two kids ages 12 and 6, the last two times we got together with them we had to hear the husband say, "When you go out and get a job....." sort of thing. The wife commented she wanted a pool, and that was the comeback of the husband on one occasion. I guess the husband feels now that his youngest is in school fulltime it's time for her to go to work, I don't know. But I hear that more and more, not just from this guy, but from others at my workplace, etc., commenting on their wives being home, blah, blah, blah, and the negativity is definitely there. One guy at my workplace said he doesn't even want to go home for lunch, as all he hears is "The kid is driving me crazy, he's been acting up, I've had it," and the like. I guess I have not heard enough, if ever, actually, a guy come out and say they are pleased with the fact their wife stays home. I am wondering how much of a joint decision it is with a lot of couples, and how important it is to the husband to have a sahm in the house. I have never heard any guy comment negatively that his wife is a wohm. Just an observation.

               Murfee        &nbs

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-07-2003 - 1:17pm
Actually, I had a church friend that told me how disappointed he was that his wife went to work outside the home. His comment was that they had children for them to raise not other people. Of course, there was alot of tension in the marriage and they are now divorced. He is remarried-I don't know whether she works or not. It was quite the uncomfortable discussion.

Kristi

"I do not want to be a princess! I want to be myself"

Mallory (age 3)

      &nbs

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-07-2003 - 1:33pm
Oh,I have heard men comment negatively on their wives woh,or being overweight,or whatever,but it makes me think less of *them*,not their wives.I am not abig fan of cutting down one's spouse,especially in public.
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-07-2003 - 3:22pm
>>>For example, friends of ours who have two kids ages 12 and 6, the last two times we got together with them we had to hear the husband say, "When you go out and get a job....." sort of thing. ...But I hear that more and more, not just from this guy, but from others at my workplace, etc., commenting on their wives being home, blah, blah, blah, and the negativity is definitely there. One guy at my workplace said he doesn't even want to go home for lunch, as all he hears is "The kid is driving me crazy, he's been acting up, I've had it," and the like.

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What you describe really doesn't have much to do with working status, but rather, the quality of relationships your friends have & their lack of respect for their spouses.

I find it disturbing, uncomfortable, and rather sad when people talk negatively about their spouses to others at work, or in social situations.

Avatar for wendy1221
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-07-2003 - 3:35pm
Oh wow! I was just talking to my sister and bil about this this weekend when we were visiting. I don't remember how the subject came up, but bil said that there were guys at work who complained about their wives staying home all the time. And they would try to get him to say something negative about his wife staying home, but he won't because he can't see anything negative about it. They both really want her to stay home. Bil also said the guys would say stuff like "You know if your wife went and got a job, you could afford a bigger house, a boat (they live a few miles from lake Erie and boating is big), a nicer car, blah blah blah." Bil said he just said "And what would we *do* with all that stuff?" Because half the stuff people think they just can't live without, like the bigger house and the boat, and nice new cars you don't really need and how often do you use them anyway? They're happy with their smaller, but definitely big enough house, their new Chevy Malibu and their old Saturn. If they had a boat how often would they use it? 3 or 4 times a year? Why bother? I think it comes down to priorities in a situation like that. My sister and bil would rather she stay home with the kids than be able to afford all those extras they don't need.

Dh and I are in a different situation. He's a grad student and his stipend really isn't much. The only reason I'm going to be able to stay home for a year is because we have quite a bit in savings, thanks to his dad's excellent planning for his kids' educations. We wont have health insurance, so I'll have to put the kids on the state's health plan for lower income families, and I'll go without (dh's department offers free insurance to all grad students, but not their families), but we won't starve and we'll have enough to pay the rent. Obviously we didn't plan on doing it this way. The plan was for me to work until he graduated and then have more kids when he was working adn I could stay home. But we'll do our best, and dh is definitely all for me staying home for a little while at least. :)

Wendy

P.S. I edited to add that if I had a regular full-time job I might not be staying home for more than 6 months. But I'm a temp and my contract is up, so we decided that this was probably the best way to handle the situation. :)


Edited 7/7/2003 3:37:50 PM ET by wendy1221

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Registered: 05-13-2003
Mon, 07-07-2003 - 4:11pm
Sure, I think there are lots of men with sahw who wished they worked, especially once the kids are in school. Not that I've overheard the men say it, but I know for a fact that my BIL would love some financial help from my SIL, who just refuses to work, even though both kids are in school F/T. She even can be heard to complain that they don't go on vacations, etc, but will she look for a job? No, and my BIL definitely resents it but feels like he can't force her to get a job. Meanwhile I think the resentment is not very good for the marriage.

I also have a good friend who told me that her husband asked her if she was going to get a job now that the youngest is starting first grade. And they don't even need the money, I know his contract is a base of 525K with a big bonus on top of that (As a company officer, his salary is published). He just probably thinks that if he's out working everyday, why should she sah by herself with the kids in school. I guess the fact that she can't or won't cook and clean has something to do with it, but still, it seems pretty petty to me.

I also know men whose wives are lifer sah's, and don't seem to be bothered by it, at least not publicly, but you have to wonder if they feel like they're getting the raw end of the deal, slogging off to work everyday while their wives lead a life of leisure. I'm not talking about women with small kids, but those with older children who aren't home all day anyway. I think a lot of men with small children actually prefer to have their wives home.

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-07-2003 - 4:53pm
I don't know that it is always as simple as "lazy mom sah while dh slogs off to the salt mines every day".I know at least one sahm who wants to work,but her dh never helpd out when the kids were home sick,so she basically lost her job by being "unreliable".

Our school district makes it,imo,very ,very hard for both parents to work because of all the school stuff(and I live in a bedroom comm where most people work in Boston or the inner suburbs) and half days and weird,scattered breaks.I've enjoyed being ah,but always meant to woh when the kids were in school.I am now facing up to the possibility that two ft professional jobs in one family with school aged kids can be very difficult for some families,no matter how hard working or lazy they are.It makes me nervous for boht dh and I to be far from school in case something should happen...

Avatar for cyndiluwho
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Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 07-07-2003 - 5:01pm
I think it's pretty normal for men to expect their wives to go back to work after the kids are in school full time. I have more than one friend whose dh makes no bones about his expectations that they return to work when the kids are in school. One of them when money isn't even an issue. He wants extra money to spend on toys.
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-07-2003 - 5:01pm
My DH liked that I was a SAHM, he also likes the fact that I am now a WOHM. He is able to see that there are pluses and minuses to both choices.

I know three SAHMs. Two of the three DH's are very proud of what their wives do and have stated so publically. The third I have never heard make a comment about but have seen no indication that is anything but pleased with the choice.

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-07-2003 - 5:03pm
ITA
Avatar for murfee628
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Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 07-07-2003 - 7:05pm
I think the respect you speak of and the working status go hand in hand, though. Not that I think that it should, that's just how it comes across. That's exactly my point. I realize these are a select few, but more and more I witness these comments.

               Murfee        &nbs

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