Dear Abby...did anyone see this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2002
Dear Abby...did anyone see this?
729
Wed, 11-02-2005 - 12:29pm

DEAR ABBY: Please tell my husband and me how to resolve a terrible argument between us and our son, "Dale," and daughter-in-law, "Faith." They haven't spoken to us since the incident occurred at our home during a Labor Day picnic. We are very upset over what happened.
Dale works a full-time job during the week, plus another one most weekends. They have three children, the youngest having just started school. Faith does not work outside the home and hasn't since she was six months pregnant with their firstborn. They live about 50 miles from us in a large apartment complex that's completely unsuitable for a young family.

My husband and I offered to loan them the down payment for a home, under the condition that Faith gets a job and shares some of the financial responsibility. With all three children in school, we see no reason why she can't work.

Abby, they both blew a gasket!

Dale told us he doesn't want his wife to work, and she confirmed it. He said he will provide a home for his family when he is able to.

We have left phone messages, but they do not return them. We were trying to be helpful and are very hurt by their blind pride and stubbornness. Our grandchildren deserve and need a decent place to live. Were we wrong? What can we do? -- NEW YORK READER

DEAR READER: You may have meant well, but by couching your offer in terms that were critical of the way your son and his wife have arranged their marriage, you emasculated him and implied that you disapprove of her lifestyle. Your next move should be to write them a note of apology, explaining that you weren't trying to meddle, and wanted only what you thought was best for them. After that, the next move is theirs.

Okmrsmommy-36, CPmom to DD-16 and DS-14

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 8:42pm
No, it's not the issue. It's quite clear in the letter that the issue the couple bristled against was the condition on the offer that the wife go to work. The condition was the issue.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2005
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 8:43pm

"I agree, but the original poster doesn't feel that there are any possible negatives involved in marrying while you are in college. I think there are."

are you talking about me? in what post did i say that? i looked around and found these things that i said:

Post 285: “i have to take issue with your 'marrying too soon' comment... what do you think is 'too soon'? how old were you when you got married? why do you get to decide when your child is too young to get married?”

Post 294: “Is there a reason they can't mature and grow while married?” “Is there a reason they can't get a degree while married?” “What are the perils of marrying young? I understand there is a high divorce rate, but is it possible that the relationships weren't that strong to begin with?”

Post 295: “Can you explain what's wrong with marrying while still in school?”

Post 328: “i was simply pointing out that maybe the reason young marriages fail is because the relationship was not that good to begin with, and that some get married for the sake of getting married, or because they want a 'wedding' but don't realize that after the wedding what they have is a 'marriage' for the rest of their lives.”

of course there are POSSIBLE negatives to marrying AT ALL. i think too many people focus on the age though. divorce rates have more variables than just age. parental marital status, education, and other factors are to be considered as well.

also, people keep going on about the 'college' thing. so if someone decides not to pursue their education it's ok to get married? if they stop at bachelors they can get married but if they want to continue on to masters they have to wait? then after masters if they want to continue on to phd they have to wait but if they stop at masters it's ok to get married?

you say you think there are negatives to marrying while in college. what are they? do those negatives apply to a 25-year old who is still working on their bachelors, or only to those under 25?






Image hosted by Photobucket.com



iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 8:44pm
No, it is not reasonable to assume that. Because you nor I have ANY idea what the grandparents consider unsuitable. For some reason you choose to believe that the only way for this situation to play out is if the grandparents are completely normal, nice, and have no out of line views but the couple are whackos, when it is just as reasonable to assume the opposite.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2005
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 8:45pm
it's possible she found her future husband at 17, but i agree, it might not be the case. i wasn't with dh when i was 17... he did go to my high school but only for the last two years and i didn't even talk to him then. i thought he was cute but i was shy so i admired from afar. lol.





Image hosted by Photobucket.com



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2005
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 8:51pm

do you know the stats for divorce? i looked into it a little bit and found a site that said the united states has the third highest divorce rate. canada wasn't even on the top 10 so i don't know where we rank.

http://www.aneki.com/divorce.html

i also found some sites that said age isn't the only factor. parental marital status, education, etc. are factors too. i've already said that though... sorry for repeating.

"My question is, in most cases, wouldn't the advantages to waiting a few years outweigh what you perceive to be the positives of marrying so young?"

what do you see as the advantages to waiting? i have already said i think it's *better* that dh and i got married while still in school for mostly financial reasons. our wedding is paid for it so we don't have to worry about that expense when we graduate on top of paying off student loans, looking into getting a car, maybe a house, etc. we found out after we got married that the quebec government gives bigger bursaries to married couples who are both students. so that was a nice surprise. if we waited until *i* was done school we would be getting married in 2007. if we waited until *he* is finished school (he is going to do a phd so he can be a university prof) we would be getting married in 2012. we might not have to wait until he's finished school to have a baby, and i woudn't want to have a baby while we were not married yet. we just didn't see any point in waiting to get married.





Edited 11/15/2005 10:03 pm ET by guibea3

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2005
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 8:54pm

"I think a lot of people meet their mates while in college. I don't think there is anything wrong with that."

what's the difference??? suzymom said she's been with her dh for 20 years, 12 of those married. what's the difference if she had married at 20 or when she did? they're still together!






Image hosted by Photobucket.com



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2005
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 8:57pm

it's also ludicrus to assume every young marriage will fail. it's ludicrus to suggest your children break up with their gf/bf and date around. it's ludicrus not to realize that other factors such as parental marital status, income, and education influence divorce rates.

there can be negatives to ANY commitment, early or not.






Image hosted by Photobucket.com



iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2004
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 8:59pm
No, what the couple did was use having a stay at home wife to justify the conditions their children must live in because of their choices.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2004
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 9:01pm
The grandmother said it was the reason for making the offer of the loan. On what do you base your assumption that she is lying?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 9:10pm

I'm wondering if we are reading the same letter.

>>DEAR ABBY: Please tell my husband and me how to resolve a terrible argument between us and our son, "Dale," and daughter-in-law, "Faith." They haven't spoken to us since the incident occurred at our home during a Labor Day picnic. We are very upset over what happened.
Dale works a full-time job during the week, plus another one most weekends. They have three children, the youngest having just started school. Faith does not work outside the home and hasn't since she was six months pregnant with their firstborn. They live about 50 miles from us in a large apartment complex that's completely unsuitable for a young family.

My husband and I offered to loan them the down payment for a home, under the condition that Faith gets a job and shares some of the financial responsibility. With all three children in school, we see no reason why she can't work.

Abby, they both blew a gasket!

Dale told us he doesn't want his wife to work, and she confirmed it. He said he will provide a home for his family when he is able to.

We have left phone messages, but they do not return them. We were trying to be helpful and are very hurt by their blind pride and stubbornness. Our grandchildren deserve and need a decent place to live. Were we wrong? What can we do? -- NEW YORK READER<<

"My husband and I offered to loan them the down payment for a home, under the condition that Faith gets a job.......

Abby, they both blew a gasket!"

It seems blatantly obvious they blew a gasket over the condition that she get a job. There is nothing in the letter to suggest the grandparents made any reference to the living arrangements in that conversation, so there would be no reason to "justify" them, to use your words.

Pages