Dear Abby...did anyone see this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2002
Dear Abby...did anyone see this?
729
Wed, 11-02-2005 - 12:29pm

DEAR ABBY: Please tell my husband and me how to resolve a terrible argument between us and our son, "Dale," and daughter-in-law, "Faith." They haven't spoken to us since the incident occurred at our home during a Labor Day picnic. We are very upset over what happened.
Dale works a full-time job during the week, plus another one most weekends. They have three children, the youngest having just started school. Faith does not work outside the home and hasn't since she was six months pregnant with their firstborn. They live about 50 miles from us in a large apartment complex that's completely unsuitable for a young family.

My husband and I offered to loan them the down payment for a home, under the condition that Faith gets a job and shares some of the financial responsibility. With all three children in school, we see no reason why she can't work.

Abby, they both blew a gasket!

Dale told us he doesn't want his wife to work, and she confirmed it. He said he will provide a home for his family when he is able to.

We have left phone messages, but they do not return them. We were trying to be helpful and are very hurt by their blind pride and stubbornness. Our grandchildren deserve and need a decent place to live. Were we wrong? What can we do? -- NEW YORK READER

DEAR READER: You may have meant well, but by couching your offer in terms that were critical of the way your son and his wife have arranged their marriage, you emasculated him and implied that you disapprove of her lifestyle. Your next move should be to write them a note of apology, explaining that you weren't trying to meddle, and wanted only what you thought was best for them. After that, the next move is theirs.

Okmrsmommy-36, CPmom to DD-16 and DS-14

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 9:12pm
I don't think she is lying. I just think that her definition of unsuitable may not be the same as yours or mine or anyone else's. Why do you assume that the couple is lying about doing just fine where they are? One of them has to be lying (or at least be wrong)... why is automatically the couple IYO?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 9:41pm
By telling them that variety is the spice of life, and if they marry at 20 and live to 90, they are married a loooong time.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2004
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 9:42pm
ITA.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 9:44pm
The freedom to do activities another boy and she would enjoy that her boyfriend doesn't (ice skating on a Sunday afternoon).

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2004
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 9:46pm
Grandma isn't happy with the apartment, and the couple is fine with it. Who's to say who is right?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 9:47pm

I am interested in your thoughts on the "unsuitability" of loaning money for a down payment.

I have addressed this issue several times to you, but you conveniently ignore it.

As far as I know, lenders do NOT allow anyone to borrow money for a down payment.

If the money comes from family, the family must sign a sworn affidavit, stating that the money is a GIFT, not a loan.

I wonder if the in-laws are just ignorant of this fact, or if they planned on falsely signing an affidavit of gift, and then expecting the couple to pay them back under the table.

Are you unaware of the requirement that money for down payment is NOT to borrowed ?

Is there another reason why you won't address this.

Anyway, this tells me the in-laws are either ignorant or dishonest. If they can't asses the impact of loaning money for a down payment, I really don't trust they have correctly assesed the living conditions.

If they plan on lieing and saying the money is a gift, when in fact it is loan, then I don't trust them in their re-telling of the story to dear Abbey.

The impact of having to pay back a mortgage AND a loan,(that they didn't ask for) would probobly result in this couple being worse off financially.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 9:48pm

Did you take vacations with girlfriends, even if your boyfriend would rather you have spent the weekend with him?


Did you save your precious few extra $$$ to make a purchase you and you alone wanted, or did you consider what your boyfriend/husband thought you should jointly do with the money?


Did you decide on your major based on what makes you happy and makes sense to you, rather than talking it over with your boyfriend?


What scared you about not being in a committed relationship at 19?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 9:52pm

"I still don't see why you can't test your wings, grow, and change while married. I really don't get it."


Because most people are not strong enough as individuals with their own hopes, dreams and desires at age 19 to do that.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2004
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 9:53pm

All we know is that grandma doesn't like this couple having a SAHP and that she doesn't like their apartment. Doesn't mean there's actually anything wrong with either the couple's choice to have a SAHP or their living arrangement.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 9:54pm
Just curious, did any of the four of your parents or DH's parents have college or graduate degrees?

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