Dear Abby...did anyone see this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2002
Dear Abby...did anyone see this?
729
Wed, 11-02-2005 - 12:29pm

DEAR ABBY: Please tell my husband and me how to resolve a terrible argument between us and our son, "Dale," and daughter-in-law, "Faith." They haven't spoken to us since the incident occurred at our home during a Labor Day picnic. We are very upset over what happened.
Dale works a full-time job during the week, plus another one most weekends. They have three children, the youngest having just started school. Faith does not work outside the home and hasn't since she was six months pregnant with their firstborn. They live about 50 miles from us in a large apartment complex that's completely unsuitable for a young family.

My husband and I offered to loan them the down payment for a home, under the condition that Faith gets a job and shares some of the financial responsibility. With all three children in school, we see no reason why she can't work.

Abby, they both blew a gasket!

Dale told us he doesn't want his wife to work, and she confirmed it. He said he will provide a home for his family when he is able to.

We have left phone messages, but they do not return them. We were trying to be helpful and are very hurt by their blind pride and stubbornness. Our grandchildren deserve and need a decent place to live. Were we wrong? What can we do? -- NEW YORK READER

DEAR READER: You may have meant well, but by couching your offer in terms that were critical of the way your son and his wife have arranged their marriage, you emasculated him and implied that you disapprove of her lifestyle. Your next move should be to write them a note of apology, explaining that you weren't trying to meddle, and wanted only what you thought was best for them. After that, the next move is theirs.

Okmrsmommy-36, CPmom to DD-16 and DS-14

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 9:57pm

People who strive for master's degrees are usually more ambitious than people with no degrees.

<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /> 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 9:59pm

If you'd waited until 2007, you might have discovered someone else more suitable for you and avoided a divorce after you've accumulated property or had children together.

<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /> 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2005
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 9:59pm
yes. dh's dad has a masters degree in engineering, his mom has a bachelors degree in accounting, my dad has a college degree and two technical course certificates, and my mom has a technical course degree (nursing). why do you ask?





Image hosted by Photobucket.com



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 10:00pm
I'm very, very, very glad I didn't marry the boyfriend I had at 19.

<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /> 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2005
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 10:01pm
we won't have acquired property or had children together by 2007... so i don't understand why you would say that.





Image hosted by Photobucket.com



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2005
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 10:06pm
what's wrong with being married a loooooong time? if you live to be 90 and you married at 31 that's still a loooooong time to be married. good luck with your kids though. maybe they won't be in a committed relationship before they're 19. who's to say.





Image hosted by Photobucket.com



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2005
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 10:18pm

"Did you take vacations with girlfriends, even if your boyfriend would rather you have spent the weekend with him?"

I haven't taken vacations with my girlfriends yet. There are many weekends in a year and I wouldn't feel bad taking one to go to Baltimore without my husband. I believe it's important for the two individuals in a couple to have interests outside of each other. It's important for the woman to connect with her girlfriends whether it be by a girl's night out/in or a weekend at a spa/convention. Like I said, dh has taken road trips with his friends before and I didn't throw a fit.

"Did you save your precious few extra $$$ to make a purchase you and you alone wanted, or did you consider what your boyfriend/husband thought you should jointly do with the money?"

My loan and bursary money is for me and his is for him. As for what I did with my money, I paid for my tuition and books, and cut my working hours back from 26 to 20 per week. dh worked hard all summer and with that money he saved plus the bursary money he got he's able to not work at all during the semester.

"Did you decide on your major based on what makes you happy and makes sense to you, rather than talking it over with your boyfriend?"

Why would I talk over my major with my boyfriend/husband? When we married I was studying Psychology Human Resources. After we were married for a year and a half I added a Business Human Resources major. It had nothing to do with him, I just thought it would give me more job opportunities in the future.

"What scared you about not being in a committed relationship at 19?"

Nothing at all. I have only been in one committed relationship in my life so obviously I'm not scared of not being in one. There are lots of positives to not being in a relationship, just as there are lots of positives to being in a relationships. I started dating dh when I was 18. Why would I break up with him at 19 to date other people?

"Do you really think you'll always be sexually attracted to your DH, and never seriously attracted to any other man?"

Yes. Do you really think you'll always be sexually attracted to your DH and never seriously attracted to any other man?






Image hosted by Photobucket.com



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2005
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 10:27pm

Nowhere did I say anything about limiting yourself to high school so I don't know why that keeps coming up. I didn't even talk to dh in high school. i started talking to him when we worked at the same job a while after we graduated.

"If one potential spouse wants to travel the world, have a high powered career and generally set the world on fire, why would he or she settle for their high school sweetheart?"

I don't think marrying a high school sweetheart is always 'settling'. Also, I wasn't talking about high school sweethearts. we were talkign about marrying while in university. What if the other spouse wants to go right along with them, travelling? dh's dad joined the army and they moved all over the world - germany, arizona, kingston to name a few places. he married young. not his highschool sweetheart, but his college sweetheart.

in your example, are you talking about two people who married then one of them decided they wanted to travel, or one of them wants to travel and they're not married yet? you would think a person would know if they wanted to travel or not before they married... but i guess in some cases maybe not. i know i would love to travel but can't afford to. dh has mentioned possibly going to japan for his phd but we'll see.






Image hosted by Photobucket.com



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2004
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 10:29pm

That's a true statement.

Mondo

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 10:41pm

Why are you assuming that quibea and her spouse are not suited for each other.

Why do assume that she'll end up divorced ?

You speak as though her unsuitable mate and impedning divorce are a done deal, whne in fact you have no clue how well they get along. Also, unless you are going to claim pschycic abilities, you don't know what the future holds for them.

Yes, divorce is probobly higher amoung those who marry young, but it not completely unheard of for young couples to stay happily married for life either.

Pages