Divorce rulings on SAHM's alimony?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2003
Divorce rulings on SAHM's alimony?
1358
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 10:29pm
I have seen this many times, and I am wondering what your guys' opinion on this. Of course with divorce rates so high we find couples with children in court all the time finding out what is entitled to mothers for alimony. The argument is, should SAHM's receive more alimony then WOHM's? This meaning SAHM's who have through the whole marriage stayed at home with the children while the fathers successeds in their careers. This also meaning if they are going to pursue a career after the fact is their income be significant enough compared to the EX since they have been out of the work force for years and has not gained experience in what ever career the would have pursued.

I personally know someone who went through the exsact same thing and had a hard time finding a job(with income compareable) after the divorse since she hadn't worked for 25yrs.

The question also arise, does the SAHM contribute to the Fathers success because they choose to stay home therefore they should receive a cut now that they are divorced (the same as many would if they were still married)?

Thoughts? Please state weather you are a SAHM or WOHM when you place your comments

Be who you are and say what you feel because those  who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 2:06pm
I didn't realize that the situation was that both parties after the divorce would be living at or below poverty level. I don't know how creating a high quality dc environment would be such punishment to the dad (or higher non-custodial earner). The argument is less to do with life skills - dh and I have plenty of life skills, education and practical experience between the two of us, but at this point a quality dc environment is cost and location probhibitive to our situation. Are we going to go back to the argument that only the wealthy should have children? If I had to go get an WOH job, I could and would. But that would be a drain on our emotional and financial resources as a family. If we divorced, we would ALL be penalized by lack of adequate care.

I don't know that my solution is to plunge dad into poverty - do you? Do you know what dad earns and what mom needs to make up the difference? Generally no matter how it shakes down with support and a job, Mom is maintaining a household of 2 (for the sake of argument) on about 70% of the prior income while dad is maintaing a household of 1 on 77% of his income. How is that equitable to the children?

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Do you really know this? How?

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Again, where is the decision to SAH only hers?? The dad should have spoken up sooner and seen the ramifications of his input into this master plan. He could have made sure that she held savings and credit in her name before she agreed to the SAH plan - maybe it was his idea.

No, I don't want dad's income transferred to her, I want the children taken care of in a manner that eases the transition of divorce and keeps the family out of poverty. I didn't realize that this was such a horrific goal.

SUS

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 2:08pm
So then most men have flawed marriages, but only some women do. So I guess there are quite a few women out there who have flawed marriages, but don't know it.

Actually, since I spend so much time chatting with men...I think I should let out their dirty little secret. Every single married with kids one of them - has a divorce plan. Its not a "I plan to divorce and when I do..." plan...its an "If my wife kicks me out..." plan. I think overall men are more aware of the reality that they, their intentions and their desires, as known to them, represent 50% of the real deal. Women seem to have an easier time ignoring this reality.

Avatar for 1969jets
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 2:20pm
I lifted that quote DIRECTLY from your post. I did not change ONE LETTER.

Let's dissect it:

You write: "I don't want to be a kept woman, no matter how much money my ex makes."

Fair enough. You have the right to want what you want. I am not in a position to disagree with what you want.

I don't see a SAHM as a "kept woman". I worked darned hard to help my dh get where he is today.

You also write "I am my own person in my own right, with my own skills that contribute to society, and just becasue my spouse is a multimillionaire, I still have a responsibility to myself and my children and my community to be a productive, self-sufficient member of society."

I didn't write that. YOU DID. This line suggests that without a paid job you would consider yourself a non person. It suggests that every person who does not have a paid job is shirking her responsibility to herself and her children and her community because she is not a productive, self-sufficient member of society. It certainly suggests that you see people without jobs as not being people in their own right.

It suggests that you see no value to anything but paid work because anyone who doesn't engage in paid work is shirking her responsibility to herself, and her children, etc.

If you didn't mean what you wrote please explain what you DID mean.

Jenna


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 2:22pm
Ah, no, I have no idea what your "step" issue is. It has clear bearing on the topic at hand, because I bring it up only to defend myself against your charge that I'm making stuff up out of the clear blue sky to be nasty to say I thought you were Wife #2. (Not a heck of a lot of people say they've spent years at a stepparenting board if they're not a stepparent.) Fine with me if you prefer not to get into it, but I did think that was the basis for you having been there.
Avatar for 1969jets
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 2:23pm
I don't suggest that anyone who has a job because they want it (as opposed to needs it) is worse off than anyone else. But they are NO BETTER just by virtue of having a job. I have had jobs, and I have been unemployed. I am no better or worse a person regardless of whether I am employed.

And BTW-there are loads of things to do when you don't work, including, but not limited to, gardening.

Jenna

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2003
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 2:26pm
No, it doesn't suggest any of that. What it suggests is that if my spouse were suddenly worth millions, I would not stop being the same person I already am, who works and contributes through her work, who values work and being self-sufficient, and all that other stuff.

I was answering a question about would you quit working if "X." It was not a question about my view of SAH. I do not SAH, have never desired to SAH, and would not begin to start wanting to SAH just becasue I married Tom Cruise.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2003
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 2:27pm
Even if I were wife #2, which I am not, it is still very bad form to bring up support board issues on a debate board. I won't care how relevant you may find them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 2:31pm
ROTFLOL!

People Not In Their Right Mind might be an interesting subject for a Venn diagram too!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 2:36pm
I am not pretending that 1/2 and 50% don't exist. I can't control some things but I can work hard at minimizing the possibility of divorce and I can keep an ongoing dialogue with my dh as to how he perceives our marriage is functioning. There are plenty of things I cannot control elsewhere in my life but I am not going to change everything to compensate. (In the way you are recommending SAHPs always remain able to earn a living at their current SOL.) The possibility exists that my kids could drown tomorrow but I am not going to stop going to the pool and the lake to avoid that possibility. I will take reasonable precautions. I did get an education, I did have a career, I do have resources/networks to fall back on. But I am not willing to discontinue my day-to-day life as a working SAHM in order to polish my working skills or re-train just to make sure I don't suffer a financial hardship in the event of divorce. If I thought my marriage were rocky, I would feel differently, I'm sure. But to me, the benefit we get from my SAH just now FAR OUTWEIGHS the risk I personally am taking, of not being able to support myself to the level of lifestyle we currently enjoy.

I also do not think the 50% divorce statistic applies to me and my dh. We have been married more than ten years, there are certain characteristics to our marriage that increase our chances of avoiding divorce. And you do not know my dh.

I am not pretending stuff doesn't exist. And if you knew my dh and I personally, you'd know that the person in our relationship who is more nervous about the possibility of divorce is him not me. I am strong and smart and independent and I would go so far as to say he needs me more than I need him at this stage in life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 2:39pm
Uh, that would have to include all of us who keep coming back here, don't ya think?

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