Divorce rulings on SAHM's alimony?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2003
Divorce rulings on SAHM's alimony?
1358
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 10:29pm
I have seen this many times, and I am wondering what your guys' opinion on this. Of course with divorce rates so high we find couples with children in court all the time finding out what is entitled to mothers for alimony. The argument is, should SAHM's receive more alimony then WOHM's? This meaning SAHM's who have through the whole marriage stayed at home with the children while the fathers successeds in their careers. This also meaning if they are going to pursue a career after the fact is their income be significant enough compared to the EX since they have been out of the work force for years and has not gained experience in what ever career the would have pursued.

I personally know someone who went through the exsact same thing and had a hard time finding a job(with income compareable) after the divorse since she hadn't worked for 25yrs.

The question also arise, does the SAHM contribute to the Fathers success because they choose to stay home therefore they should receive a cut now that they are divorced (the same as many would if they were still married)?

Thoughts? Please state weather you are a SAHM or WOHM when you place your comments

Be who you are and say what you feel because those  who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2004
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 6:34am
First, I've never been a SAHW. You're sneaky.

After thinking about this, I remember that the only time I've felt like a "subordinate" in my marriage was when I worked. DH had the dream job, while I hauled butt on the subway to (shudder) the Bronx, Brooklyn, etc. (I only took a car if with a partner or going outside the city.) I made less money than DH too and knew I wouldn't make partner. I was totally envious. He didn't really understand it, and it wasn't even an issue in his mind. He never looked down at me whatsoever for making less money. He was just happy and lucky to have me in his life, as he should be. But when I became a sahm, he clarified that he could never do my job and is glad I've given up woh to stay with the children. He says this often, so I feel appreciated and know I'm no longer subordinate, but am doing something he admits he can't do. It's little-minded of me, but I finally feel like I'm contributing something to this marriage that he values and that he can't do. Also, there is now and never was any pressure in this marriage to make DH happy. I'm sure he'd be happier with more of a sex life, but my youngest is finally turning one, sleeping really well, and that too should improve! He's patient and knows he's lucky to have found me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 7:37am
Yes, but not *Savcal's* spousal support, because she did not ask for it and does not receive it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 7:46am
I'm so sorry to hear about your DS and his fiancee. I know how much you were looking forward to having her and her DD join your family. Everyone holding up OK?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 7:47am
Thank you for being the petty person you can really be. I am so much more than my flaws. I am disorganized but that is par for the course for having four children and trying to be active in many different arenas. I ultimately don't care as much about how my house looks as I do about being with my kids. I had the same problem when I was a senior in high school and I was the president of the National Honor Society, on the speech team, on the yearbook staff, secretary of the student council, a leader in my local environmental learning center, a junior leader in 4H, a state orienteering champion, and so forth. It is by nature of my desire to be doing many things at once that I get disorganized. And yes, I have not maintained my level of ambition that I once had but I attribute that to having discovered what really matters in life and Employee of the Month plaques on the wall do not seem to be what I want to dedicate my life to just now. I have plenty of time to do fabulous things with my life, ones even you might come to respect.

I am just flat out tired of explaning to you what it means for some of us to SAH. You just don't seem to WANT to understand. I have tried hard not to point out how twisted some of your ideas of marriage seem to me because it isn't really nice to point out such things. I have tried hard not to point out that it is obvious that you cannot function without the kudos you get from working. It is too much a part of who you are. Now, you may see that as the ultimate good thing. I actually think it takes a more evolved, more enlightened person to let that go, to feel good about oneself without the external pats-on-the-back gained from WOH. It takes strength of character to get most of your validation from yourself and a small group of people who respect what you do.

I have invested many hours here trying to persuade you, to get you to gain an understanding, to see there can be value to SAH but I am afraid you are hopeless. You must be hard-wired to not value SAH. Or you secretly do value it but know that you are married to someone who would never consider it so you stuff it down the "secret desires that will never be realized" chute.

I don't care anymore. I used to get something out of coming here to express my thoughts. I used to enjoy the mental challenge. There is a fabulous sense of community to be gained from this forum. But it is so not worth it when there is someone begging to know what you life is like, you provide the details ad nauseum and then she tells you you're a piece of crap.

I'm so over it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 8:42am
Your perspective is a little different than what I expected.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2003
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 8:44am
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ITA!!! In my family, my mom did all of the housework, when she stayed at home. At one point during my childhood, my dad was working only one job (24-hr shifts 10 days a month-- he was a fire fighter, and most of the time worked on his off days as a contractor). When this happened, my dad was in charge of cooking dinner, laundry, dishes, etc. Then, when my mom quit her job, she was once again in charge of everything.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 8:48am

I do NOT think you're a piece of crap.


I do not see getting validation from WOH and mother roles as being inferior to getting validation fron your mother role only.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 9:00am
is there room on your bandwagon for me? Cuz I agree with you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 9:01am
You're right, not even me.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 9:15am
But then you're lumping yourself in with minor children.

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