Divorce rulings on SAHM's alimony?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2003
Divorce rulings on SAHM's alimony?
1358
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 10:29pm
I have seen this many times, and I am wondering what your guys' opinion on this. Of course with divorce rates so high we find couples with children in court all the time finding out what is entitled to mothers for alimony. The argument is, should SAHM's receive more alimony then WOHM's? This meaning SAHM's who have through the whole marriage stayed at home with the children while the fathers successeds in their careers. This also meaning if they are going to pursue a career after the fact is their income be significant enough compared to the EX since they have been out of the work force for years and has not gained experience in what ever career the would have pursued.

I personally know someone who went through the exsact same thing and had a hard time finding a job(with income compareable) after the divorse since she hadn't worked for 25yrs.

The question also arise, does the SAHM contribute to the Fathers success because they choose to stay home therefore they should receive a cut now that they are divorced (the same as many would if they were still married)?

Thoughts? Please state weather you are a SAHM or WOHM when you place your comments

Be who you are and say what you feel because those  who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2003
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 11:04am


If my dh were on a business trip with nice meals and uninterrupted sleep...

*he* better be extra nice to *me* when he gets back!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 11:06am
Yes, I'm serious.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2002
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 11:08am
Your plans and goals may not change over time, but your situation very well might and along with it your needs. I don't think anyone can count 100% on the future going exactly as planned.

"Also, whether the kids are in school has no bearing on our work status.  There's still 100 days of summer, school breaks, teacher work days, etc., etc., etc.  Neither of us could fit our jobs into school hours/days."

You are missing the point. Many people's SAH status is temporary, often for a few years at most out of a lifetime of working. When they do go back to work, the families often also juggle the school breaks, hours etc. just like you will have to. We work somewhat around our kid's school schedules but not completely as they do go to some afterschool care (and dd has been in dc since she was nearly 3) and do also have afterschool care for some of the holiday/vacation time.....AND I was a SAHP for nearly 6 years. Again, you are making the mistake of assuming that the SAHP is there because of some inflexible philosophical belief that children should be at home with a parent unless they are in school. I was a SAHP because it was what functioned best for our whole family structurally at the time, not because we thought the heavens would fall if we both WOH from the beginning. By the time kids start going to school, many of the structural reasons for SAH might have disappeared. Otoh, I know several families who have done the opposite: they had dual WOHPs in the early years in order to be able to afford for one at least to go pt in the school years...again for structural reasons.

Laura

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 11:09am

Felicia...these are some general thoughts after reading the posts. Most of the marriages that I know with SAHM are partnerships. There is only one that isn't....he leaves her to do lists and criticizes her when he gets home because there are crumbs in the kitchen. I finally butted in and told her that he would not expect a day care provider to clean closets and watch his child and he should give her the same respect. She told me last week that she threw the to do list at him. Hurrah! He has always been the dominant person in the relationship, though. They are definitely not equal. It is their deal, though.


The other SAHM marriages, though are quite strong. They work as a team and the DH loves having a SAHM. The SAHM loves being home. Both are happy. I think as marriages grow it becomes more of a partnership regardless of the working status. I don't know about everyone else but my marriage grew into us being an unit. We were one and it grew to be sacrificial love too. Devin would have done anything for me...and I the same for him. Truly.


In regards to power struggles, Devin and I had so many power struggles. We were both very strong willed, very passionate people. It almost destroyed our marriage. I learned to back off and say to myself...is this worth our marriage? Is this the hill I want to die on? The answer was no..dishes and sweeping aren't worth a marriage. He was a very hands on father and he never, ever cleaned or folded laundry. I could be a shrew about it and it never helped. I let it go. Also, he would get overly invovled in his triathlons and marathons and I was quite jealous. I had to learn to let it go....he needed those things to keep him alive and I had to accept it.


I really hope everything is allright in your world...your posts have changed in tone lately and I am concerned.

"I do not want to be a princess! I want to be myself"

Mallory (age 3)

      &nbs

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 11:12am
What part of SAH not being an endless vacation is unclear?

I give up. This is a waste of my time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 11:14am

I wasn't the SAHP but I made less than Devin and cared for the children more. He got vetoed every vacation because he wanted to go to the beach. Fine on paper but, in actuality, it would have been hell for me. Devin would be swimming laps, timing himself, running on the beach while Zak complained about the sand between his toes and Alex ran to the ocean with gusto and tried to swim. No...no...no.


Absolutely not. It might be his vacation sponsored with his money but I am not his servant. He didn't get to pick.


"I do not want to be a princess! I want to be myself"

Mallory (age 3)

      &nbs

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 11:17am
It is not a LUXURY, it is the way we want to raise our children.

The gratitude mostly flows the other way. My dh is always trying to tell me how grateful he is that I SAH. He is thrilled that I do this and goes out of his way to make sure I stay happy SAH. I told him this morning about the dinners on china and the constant availability of sex. He laughed his head off and said that it is rarely about him being happy (for the most part he loves to work!) rather the challenge here is to make sure I stay happy so we can continue to enjoy the lifestyle we have with a SAHP.

SAH is not about avoiding the work world at all costs.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2002
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 11:17am
Since you've never actually been a SAHP, how do you know this? You bet it was a vacation for me when dh was around all day to help out with the kids wherever we were. What were you thinking? that the SAHP runs around taking care of the kid stuff all day while the WOHP lols around enjoying his/her vacation? Frankly, it was a vacation just having all day to talk to dh. I absolutely had a say in what kinds of vacations we took. If it were up to dh, we'd be somewhere extremely hot (think 100F or more) and I would be wilting miserably in the heating hating every minute of the vacation. If is were up to me, we'd be up in Scotland, and dh would be shivering in the soggy summer rain and deeply resenting time there. So we compromise and head for places we both feel we would enjoy.

Laura

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 11:19am
I'd love for you to point out where I said having a child in daycare is selfish.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 11:22am
That's fine, then just admit it's being selfish.

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