Divorce rulings on SAHM's alimony?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2003
Divorce rulings on SAHM's alimony?
1358
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 10:29pm
I have seen this many times, and I am wondering what your guys' opinion on this. Of course with divorce rates so high we find couples with children in court all the time finding out what is entitled to mothers for alimony. The argument is, should SAHM's receive more alimony then WOHM's? This meaning SAHM's who have through the whole marriage stayed at home with the children while the fathers successeds in their careers. This also meaning if they are going to pursue a career after the fact is their income be significant enough compared to the EX since they have been out of the work force for years and has not gained experience in what ever career the would have pursued.

I personally know someone who went through the exsact same thing and had a hard time finding a job(with income compareable) after the divorse since she hadn't worked for 25yrs.

The question also arise, does the SAHM contribute to the Fathers success because they choose to stay home therefore they should receive a cut now that they are divorced (the same as many would if they were still married)?

Thoughts? Please state weather you are a SAHM or WOHM when you place your comments

Be who you are and say what you feel because those  who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2002
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 7:37pm

Unless you and Felicia are suddenly the same people, then I didn't say that is what you believe.

Okmrsmommy-36, CPmom to DD-16 and DS-14

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2002
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 7:44pm

My point was that if Felicia feels that a SAHP should be sooooo thankful to the WOHP for WOH, then the SAHP should be sooooo thankful to the SAHP for SAH.

Okmrsmommy-36, CPmom to DD-16 and DS-14

Avatar for taylormomma
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2003
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 9:55pm
I didn't even remotely suggest any such thing. Are you actually following this thread?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-1999
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 10:34pm
So SAHPs aren't entitled to vacations themselves? Or is SAH a vacation in and of itself--is that what you're implying?

C

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-1999
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 10:47pm
You know, seeing as I gave up a career to SAH and that my income earning potential isn't what it would be if I hadn't SAH, if DH and I were to divorce, I would absolutely expect spousal support. (1) B/c we entered this marriage in agreement that I would SAH w/our kids (2) I forfeited my career (and income potential) to SAH, which we believe is in the best interest of OUR family, so I would expect to be compensated for my sacrifice.

The decision to SAH wasn't mine alone, DH played a big part in it. Also, we've got one of those marriages in which b/c I'm home, he can maximize his earning potential. He makes the money he does, in part, b/c I'm home minding the home fires (a fact I can prove, his earnings jumped when I quit working...his income nearly doubled that year and has stayed at that level consistently since I've been SAH).

Yes, I would absolutely expect support equal to what I've sacrificed by being home.

C

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2004
Thu, 05-06-2004 - 6:58am
I'm trying to look at this from every angle to understand what you mean by selfish, because I just don't see how working could ever be selfish. If the parent were on the golf course to avoid spending time with the children, that might be selfish. But work is hard, it's rarely fun and games these days. I was a lawyer and enjoyed my job quite a bit. But come 7 or 8 pm with a few more hours ahead of me, I'd be running on fumes. At that point, it wasn't fun. It was a way of keeping my job and ensuring promotion or better days in the future, which would hopefully include less hours. The same with medical school. My father worked in the same field as I did and was always home for dinner. That's not really possible as a lawyer these days just to keep a job.

I wouldn't be surprised if the parents working 60-70 hr weeks or going to medical school do so with the expectation that in a few yrs things will improve and their jobs will be more secure. Raising children takes many yrs and I wouldn't give up an opportunity for more money and a better position if it was only going to take a few yrs of 60-70 hr-weeks to ensure that. In the long run, it's selfless since it improves the family's situation.

Avatar for 1969jets
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-06-2004 - 8:10am
There are few things that are universally true. However, IME many SAHMs gave up career plans. Among my friends I can count an attorney, a few CPAs, a teacher, etc. All who SAH now. I also know many other women who work, but at much different jobs (mostly with lower pay/status) than they had before. One of my friends is a travel agent, she used to be a pharmaceutical sales rep. When I go back to work I will be an office manager at dh's law firm, quite a step down from my previous career as a finance manager on Wall Street. But I don't expect dh to grovel at my feet because I gave something up for our family.

There are lots of wome who give up something for the sake of their families. I don't think spouses need to be "especially thankful" that the other spouse pursues a path that they both agreed is best.

Jenna

Avatar for 1969jets
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-06-2004 - 8:13am
But you can't tell me you NEVER faced criticism for working? I faced all kinds of nasty comments from people who thought that working mothers brought about every social ill that has befallen society in the past 20 years. This board is the ONLY place I have ever faced criticism for being an AH parent.

Jenna

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2004
Thu, 05-06-2004 - 9:49am
Well, I can kind of see where PNJ's coming from. After I finished yrs of schooling, made a good career for myelf and become completely self-sufficient, I started to question how would marriage make my life better than it was? When I was in my late 20s, I had no real reason to marry. I could've just lived with a man forever if I was in love. But the idea of children definitely tipped the scales in favor of marriage.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-06-2004 - 11:06am
Nah.

And you have options

1)decide it makes you feel useful to be the only one in the family who can do dishes and laundry and be happy (what WOULD they all do without you???)

2)develop a taste for women, divorce your husband and marry your nanny (in my next life I've decided I'm going to be either a heterosexual male, or a lesbian)

3)realize that it took at least 20yrs of not being responsible for anything but self to create your adult male, realize it will take you AT LEAST 30 more to undo that (adults learn more slowly than kids), keep plugging away at it and be happy

4)Run self ragged doing everything to avoid confrontation and conflict and turn into perpetual passive aggressive super b*tch as a result


I have two human males in my home. One is 7. One is 35. The 35 yr old has these life skills above and beyond those exhibited by the 7 yr old 1)can read just about anything in english plus one other language 2)can tell time reliably EVEN on clock with round face and hands 3)has drivers license AND can reach pedals and steering wheel simultaneously. Which means...the 35 yr old can read a wall calandar and then use his time telling and driving abilities to get the 7 yr old to gymnastics on time, and home on time. See how useful that is to the 7 yr old. However. If say, the 7yr old arrives home on time at 8:30 pm on Tues after gymnastics (thanks to Dads advanced adult male skills he was picked up from after care in time, fed supper, dropped off at gym on time and picked up from gym on time)...and the wall calendar did not specifically note "Tues 8:30 pm - take 7 yr old inside and begin bedtime routine" then chances are great that should 7 yr quip "Dad...lets take shots!!!!" upon arrival in garage at 8:30 rather than "Dad...its time for me to get ready for bed!"...that 7 yr old and 35 yr old WILL BE FOUND at 9:30...still taking shots on net in garage...without HUMAN FEMALE ADULT INTERVENTION...(or 10yr old female child intervention for that matter - Moooommmmm Dad and brother are in garage taking shots...*&*^&*^&...kick them out please). I see no REAL end. Its just all very by rote with my husband. He now knows that if I made supper its a real bad idea to assume I'll do the dishes, make lunches, and see about ends of homework and bedtime routines...while he watches hockey...so it gets better...but its a work in progress and will probably always be one. Options 1) and 2) don't cut it with me. I have to go with 3). I can't even consider 4 - bring on the confrontation.

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