Divorce rulings on SAHM's alimony?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2003
Divorce rulings on SAHM's alimony?
1358
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 10:29pm
I have seen this many times, and I am wondering what your guys' opinion on this. Of course with divorce rates so high we find couples with children in court all the time finding out what is entitled to mothers for alimony. The argument is, should SAHM's receive more alimony then WOHM's? This meaning SAHM's who have through the whole marriage stayed at home with the children while the fathers successeds in their careers. This also meaning if they are going to pursue a career after the fact is their income be significant enough compared to the EX since they have been out of the work force for years and has not gained experience in what ever career the would have pursued.

I personally know someone who went through the exsact same thing and had a hard time finding a job(with income compareable) after the divorse since she hadn't worked for 25yrs.

The question also arise, does the SAHM contribute to the Fathers success because they choose to stay home therefore they should receive a cut now that they are divorced (the same as many would if they were still married)?

Thoughts? Please state weather you are a SAHM or WOHM when you place your comments

Be who you are and say what you feel because those  who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-07-2004 - 11:39am

You know what?

Tonya
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2003
Fri, 05-07-2004 - 11:45am
And if your sister chose to have children with such a man, she still owes it to her children to do what she can to encourage a relationship with their father.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2002
Fri, 05-07-2004 - 1:03pm
But surely living a long distance away does not necessarily preclude encouraging or establishing a close relationship?? We live several thousand miles from my family and yet my kids are very close to their aunt (my sister), uncle and cousins. Of course we (on both sides) work very hard on those relationships. I grew up nearly 2,000 miles from my grandparents, aunt and uncle and I was still very close to them with just yearly visits. They were absolutely my best role models and closest confidants in my family as I was growing up. Sometimes, the move is really best for all concerned, especially the children, and I simply can't believe that mere distance would make a close relationship impossible.

Laura

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2003
Fri, 05-07-2004 - 1:16pm
Not impossible, but a close relationship with extended relatives is not the same as a close relationship to a parent. In divorce, obviously someone loses custody. But the kids still need to have both parents in their lives.

With divorce, when there are hard feelings and anger and no more love between the parties, fostering a closeness between parent and long-distant child gets much more difficult. Have you seen the statistics about drug use, alcohol use, teen pregnancy and other teenaged problems for children, especially girls, who grow up in homes without their fathers? It is even worse for kids who don't have a father at least near-by.

There is a lot to be said for physical presence. Physical presence *does* make a huge difference.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-07-2004 - 1:26pm

Well, let's call it deception.

Tonya
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-07-2004 - 1:29pm

Have you seen the statistics about drug use, alcohol use, teen pregnancy and other teenaged problems for children, especially girls, who grow up in homes without their fathers? It is even worse for kids who don't have a father at least near-by.


Al the child needs a "male role-model" who cares for her just as much as the father.

Tonya
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2003
Fri, 05-07-2004 - 1:32pm
But we are talking about when kids do have a father and the mother chooses to remove his regular presence in the child's life by moving the child away. It's a disservice to the child and an insult to both to dsay "I'll find you an uncle or a new boyfriend to be the father figure." They don't need a new father figure. They already have one.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-07-2004 - 1:38pm
I wouldn't say moving the kids away from the other parent is always wrong - but I do think its one of those times where what is right and best for the parent wanting to move, might not be what is right and best for the children overall. I think the real gotcha in the whole nasty mess of these things is...how the children end up doing overall can depend upon how each of the parents does overall - not just how the one parent is doing. Which means - when a parent considers moving the kids and considers the effect on kids - that parent in order to consider the effect on kids properly - has to consider the effect on that other (often despised) parent.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2002
Fri, 05-07-2004 - 1:43pm
Sure, there is a lot to be said for physical closeness, but it is not the be-all and end-all, there may well be other compelling factors for moving away. As long as the move was not the result of anger, but the logical best step for all concerned (especially the children) it should be possible to foster close relationships, even between parent and child. I lived pretty far away from my father for many years as well and still we have a close relationship...perhaps not as close as if we had lived in the same house, but definitely close enough for him to constitute an important part of my childhood which laid a solid foundation for our relationship as I became an adult. I am now closer to my father than my mother. My personal preference would be for the kids to have both mother and father in the same city in the event of divorce. Nevertheless, I know from personal experience that long distance from a parent would not necessarily be the death knell of a child's relationship with that parent.

Interestingly, with our current visa situations it would actually be legally nearly impossible for dh and I to stay in the same country together, let alone the same city, in the event of a divorce: dh has no US green card or other working visa for the US and my working visa in Europe depends on my being married to him (I have the same right as an EU member to work in Sweden, but only because I am married to an EU member...if dh and I were to divorce I, as an American, would have no right to a working visa anywhere in Europe and dh, as a European, would have a very hard getting a working visa for the US). Luckily, we are very very far from the possibility :-), but I am also working on getting Swedish citizenship because I don't want to build a life in a country I could be thrown out of should anything happen to dh or our marriage.

Laura

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-07-2004 - 1:47pm

O.K. I am opening old wounds here but my parents divorced when I was 13 (for the above mentioned adultery). My father chose to move from us. He was already emotionally distance but decided to put distance between us. I had to travel to see him (he moved a hour away). He would not come to see me. It is not always the mother's fault that the father doesn't sustain his fathering role. Sometimes people are losers and they become parents.


Everything you said about effects are very true. I still live with some of actions from seeking love in the wrong places. I do wonder what my life would have been with an interested father. I don't know..


If I remember correctly, Hollie posted recently that her ex did not want the kids for the whole visitation. He is choosing to not spend time with them...not her.

Kristi

"I do not want to be a princess! I want to be myself"

Mallory (age 3)

      &nbs

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