In the event of your death.....

Avatar for cl_annieb67
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In the event of your death.....
36
Tue, 08-05-2003 - 10:14pm
Have you appointed a guardian(s)? Did work status factor into your decision? If your intent is to have a SAHP, did you factor that into the monetary value?


I know that personally, my dh and I decided against my SIL and willed our 3 children to my single, gay brother. The money was the biggest reason. The amount left upon our death is substantial, and we *know* that my SIL would not provide for our children adequetely. (sp) MOF, 10 percent would *have* to be donated to her church, right off the top. This would be 20,000.00 to a church we never attended. (gulp) And, the values are so very different than ours. My brother is Catholic, and we know our children would be raised as such. So in essence, religion was our deciding factor.

I am curious though, if your decision is very important to you, for your children, how is it negated in the event of your death? If, in fact you didn't factor in working status. Is it the idea that you can't tell others how to run their lives, their families? Was it discussed before putting it on paper?

Do you have a choice? IE: In the case of divorce, I think in a lot of states, custody would automatically fall to the NCP in the event of a death. (I'm not sure about that, please correct me if I'm wrong)

Or, is the bottom line, that in the larger picture, work status has no bearing with regards to values, morals, and religion?

This is, to some extent, fodder, but thought provoking as I am filling out beneficiaries for the supplemental insurance I just bought.


"There in the sunshine are my highest aspirations. I close my eyes, feel their beauty and follow where they lead."

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 08-05-2003 - 11:16pm
Yes, we have chosen guardians. And yes, in our case, work status took a role. Mostly because very few of our candidates have children.

We chose dh's father and step-mother. She is retired, but young (still in 50s). They seem like the best choice because they miss having young ones around, she has time to give to the children, they have similar values to our own, and they are open to the idea. They actually want to be foster children now that they have an empty nest (youngest BIL just moved out.) They also would be most likely to give the children access to all members of the family.

We didn't have much of a choice though, so for us it was more a process of elimination.

Jill

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Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 08-05-2003 - 11:31pm
Good question and yes, we have.

If we die my sil will raise our children. They will get our life insurance if we both die for use towards the raising of them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2000
Tue, 08-05-2003 - 11:39pm
I don't have many choices, because the person I appoint has to be physically able to lift and care for Joel. My first choice would have been my mother, but she has had a mastectomy and can't lift over 10 lbs.

Ultimately I chose my sister and BIL. They're very stable, childless, and have the most "room" in their lives for Joel. In the event that they are somehow unable to take him, my brother and SIL will. They have 2 children of their own and it would be very difficult for them, but they agree that they're the best choice in the event that our sister isn't able.

I didn't consider work status at all. As it happens, these people all WOH, which stands to reason, because EVERYONE I know WOH. Religion didn't play a factor, either. It would probably be interesting for Joel, though, after being my kid (which involves no religious practice at all, but a lot of exposure to different religions) to live with my Buddhist sister and her Jewish husband. :-)

And yes, custody usually goes to the NCP in the case of a divorced parent's death. THat was a big issue for me for a long time, because I had to make sure that didn't happen. It's a moot point now that my ex is dead, but it was something I really stressed about for a long time. It's a major relief to me to have a choice.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 08-06-2003 - 12:07am
Work status isn't an issue w/ regards to guardianship of our children. My parents are young enough that they would become guardians of our children if dh and I died. They are retired and in their 50's now. If my parents arent alive/healthy down the road and something happens, then it is my cousin who is like my sister. She is a woh now. She has 1 daughter and they struggle and could not get by on one salary. She would love to be a sah but cannot afford to be. We're opposite there..... She wants to be but cant afford it, and I can afford it, but enjoy working pt. But if she ever became guardian to our children, the estate would go that way too and she would not have to work anymore.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 08-06-2003 - 12:16am
I'm curious. WHy cant your mom lift over 10 lbs w/ her mastectomy? My mom had a mastectomy complete with lymph removal on the right side so the scar goes up under her arm there. She was only in her mid-30's when she had this mastectomy. She doesnt get bloodwork, bloodpressure, IVs etc on that arm, but she can lift my porky toddler. Is it a person to person thing? A type of surgery thing? Age? I'm really curious as to the criteria on that. My mom never said anything about lifting limits, and like I said, lifts my toddler, and even my 4 yr old.

Glad to hear your mom is still here with my mom though. The Race for the Cure breaks my heart every year and I'm so thankful I'm attaching "In Celebration of" instead of "In Memory of" my mom to my back every May.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2000
Wed, 08-06-2003 - 12:33am
Well, it's probably the reconstruction that causes her problem. She had a radical mastectomy with reconstruction, and the recon was totally botched. They told her even before the surgery that she couldn't lift afterward but the way things turned out, she was actually bedridden with an open surgical wound for several months afterward. It still causes her a lot of trouble (4 years later) and she recently had to have more surgery to try to correct what went wrong. Her take on it is that if she had to do it over again she would NOT choose reconstruction. It's made her life hell.

Also, my son weighs over 100 pounds, so there are very few people, even those without surgery, who can really handle him. I'm not even sure I can most days.

Glad to hear your mom is doing so well, and I know what you mean...I sit there and sob every year at the Relay for Life Survivor's Walk. My stepfather died of cancer 2 years before Mom was diagnosed, and when we found out she had breast cancer it was a very dark moment for us all...hearing the word cancer is just one of the most frightening things there is. We're so unbelievably thankful that things have turned out the way they have for her. Even though it's been rough, she's still here. :-)


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-06-2003 - 6:12am
It doesn't matter now since both our kids are adults, but we would have left them with my second oldest sister and her husband. Woh status didn't matter..both woh, he worked for the state for years and she is a teacher/coach/athletic director so they are very comfortable financially. Like you, our girls would have had a nice sum of money for someone to take care of and my bil and sister would have seen to it the money was only used for them. We also *knew* they would see our girls got the best education they could and they would have taken the best care of them of any of our relatives. Religion did not play a part in our decision..trust and confidence in their ability to raise our kids in our place is what made us decide the way we did.

Sue

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-06-2003 - 6:59am
DH's brother and sister in law will be our childrens guardians in the event of our death. Actually at this point it would only effect our DD3 as the other DDs are over 18. In two years when DD1 graduates from college we may make her the guardian of her youngest sister, but that will depend on many things (the most important is if she wants that responsibility). Work status did not come into play at all. We did not want to make any of our parents guardians, they had BTDT in parenting and we did not want them to have to do it again with another generation. Of the siblings he is the most level headed and the most we felt up to the responsibility. The only "cause" that we have (and it was word of mouth and not written in the will so has no legal standing and is up to them follow or not) is on religion, they are catholic and we are protestant and we want the girls to attend a protestant church.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-06-2003 - 8:58am
If I remember correctly, it's dependent on how far into the under arm area they had to go and how much of the underlying muscle tissues (both pectoral (chest) and latissimus dorsi (back)) were affected and *how* they were affected. Since both aid in lifting and since they tend to work TOGETHER in lifting, if the surgery affected the area where they begin to meet and the connective tissue areas near there, it can mean lifting restrictions until the area heals.

I'm not entirely sure of all the details; my aunts were discussing this years ago and I wasn't really paying much attention, but it seems to me that was the reasoning my aunt who's the nurse gave. Accept my flawed filter for what it is :)

Avatar for lola356
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-06-2003 - 9:01am
My DS would go to my brother and SIL who are the most amazing couple I have ever met. They can fight and scream with the best of them, but the love that is shown to each other is amazing. They alse have the same sorts of values and logics that we have when it comes to kids. They are fun, and responsible and are super amazing with my son. They don't have any kids yet, but I know that if DH and I were gone and they had DS he would be a part of what ever type of family they ended up with

The alternative is my SIL and BIL (on DH"S side) who are so unorganized I can't stand being at their house (and I'm a slob) and who cater so much to their kids that I can only stand to be around the kids in small doses. I know DS would never be accepted in to their family as part of it, he would always be considered an outsider.

The other non-alternatives are my SIL on DH's side and my sister, both who have suffered many many bouts with depression and who have responsibility issues (everything that happens to them is someone elses fault) so there is no way they would be left with them.

L.

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