Expectations on your children...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Expectations on your children...
958
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 1:56pm
Wrt their working status/parenting as an adult?

If you SAH, will you encourage your daughter (or son) to do the same? How would you feel if they chose different from the path you have taken as a parent?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-07-2004 - 11:08am
".....to not reach for the highest star.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-07-2004 - 11:11am

I didn't realize you'd lost your mother....you have my condolences.

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Avatar for laurenmom2boys
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 06-07-2004 - 11:13am
Wow, I can't believe his xw is being so unfeeling and cold.

As usual, you all continue to be in my prayers.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 06-07-2004 - 11:13am
The problem with this is that it tempts the would-be inheritee to either 1)walk away from the money entirely, and the person holding it our as a bribe or 2)follow the exactitude of the contingency in whatever way takes the least time and effort possible in order to get the money.

Let's take your example of requiring an oil painting or sculpture. This does not encourage the would-be inheritee to get in touch with her creative side in order to get the money. But it DOES encourage her to throw together something that technically qualifies as a painting or sculpture in order to meet the condition.

The problem with contingencies, whether they be for a degree or for a piece of art, is that they send the message to the would-be inheritee that the thing in question (degree, art) is done for somebody else, not for themself. If they WANTED to sculpt, they don't need your bribe to do it. And if they don't want to, the only creativity expressed will be how little effort they can put into this thing they didn't want to do and still qualify for the money. When you try to point out to the inheritor that you just want them to use their creative side, what you are actually pointing out is that the plan they have chosen for themself (which includes no art, in this example) is not worthy in your eyes. And that breeds resentment.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-07-2004 - 11:16am
Do you realize that in your desperate attempt to prove to your mother that you "don't need her" you have made not a single step towards self sufficiency - self sufficiency being the thing that would put you in a position of truly not needing her? You've just replaced her money bucket with another one. You still need some adult to fund your life, every bit as much as you did when you were 10. You have less self sufficiency and employablitliy than a 16 yr old who babysat for two years and now works p/t at McDonalds.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2003
Mon, 06-07-2004 - 11:18am

Late blooming isn't a bad thing. . .as long as late bloomers realize that early bloomers aren't wrong or crazy. . .and vice versa.


If all the flowers of a garden bloomed at the same time, the garden would be beautiful for such a short, short time. . .good gardeners mix early, mid-, and late blooming plants for color, texture, and beauty throughout the seasons.

Virgo

Virgo
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2003
Mon, 06-07-2004 - 11:19am
Thanks PJM. She died of cancer during my first year of law school, I was 22. So it's been almost 9 years.

Forgive me for asking, don't you have a somewhat similar situation?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 06-07-2004 - 11:20am
You are treating your daughter like a child....which she currently is. It is entirely appropriate for adults to use various measures to control the behavior of their children. Somebody else gave the example of using bribes while potty training.

Where it gets questionable is when the daughter is no longer a child and there is no further reason to try to control her behaviour. She's been raised. Mission accomplished. But trying to steer the behavior of an adult- while perfectly common- will breed resentment in that adult and that adult is likely to react with shutting said person out of their life. If the adult child's plans and the parents' plans happen to dovetail- then that's super and everybody is happy. But if the adult is told "I don't like who you married (the contingency of past times) or what your job is or that you are a SAHM" the likely response is...Bye, see you never, mom.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-07-2004 - 11:26am
If they ever decide they'd like to move into management...that degree is going to help them. If the restaurant and hospitality industry tanks, and they need to come up with another way of earning a living, that degree is going to help them. A degree provides flexibility and options that are otherwise not available and allows more room for change in life plans later on. Anyway, there are shortage of positions where a 25 yr old is just going to be overall more appealing to an employer than a 21 year old. I don't think overall employers are out there gunning for the youngest possible candidate or anything.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2003
Mon, 06-07-2004 - 11:26am
Hey, I can definitely see why you married young. Your DH is a cutie! :)

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