Extra Money and Extra Time

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Extra Money and Extra Time
452
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 2:31pm
A couple of boards back I asked, and cobaltblue2002 answered, this. I'd like input from everyone.

Why do some people think WOHMs are greedy and materialistic if the WOHMS want to work or work FT, partly to have a financial cushion (I know this does not apply to all WOHMS' financial situations), but the same people think nothing of SAHMs staying home, partly because the SAHMs like more time at home, with children, with hobbies, etc. than other people?

In other words, is more or "extra" time an honorable reason to SAH, but working to earn more than the basic necessities somehow not honorable?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 8:11pm
I agree. nt
Avatar for cyndiluwho
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 8:34pm
Why can't you have both? Working doesn't mean we spend NO time with our kids. I just don't get this all or nothing proposition. If I want something else in mh life in addition to my kids, I'm choosing things over time with them??? How can that be when I already have plenty of time with my kids in the first place? What I'm choosing is a boat instead of extra time I don't need with my kids because we already have enough. I have a coworker who, literally, works for their boat but you know what? Her family has a great time on that boat!! It's something the whole family spends doing. They spend more time actively doing things together on evenings and weekends because of that boat than most families I know.

If working for a boat meant not having enough time for your kids, you MIGHT have a complaint but working doesn't mean we don't have enough time for our kids and those extras we're working for just might be things the whole family gets into.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 9:30pm
how true!! as my pediatrician so eloquently puts it, "even dogs have babies". ROFLMAO!!

but its not funny, its true.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 03-29-2003 - 1:03am
" SAH or WOH makes precious little difference. It's just a lifestyle choice." That might be true over a population, but for many people it is not a choice, it is a necessity. My kids needed me at home. I was constantly chafing against that and ended up compromising and studying part time, with them in daycare two days a week, but any more than that just didn't work. (I did try.) On a population basis, sah/woh might be irrelevant but this is just not so on an individual basis. We choose what is right for a variety of reasons, not as superficially as the colour of our car or what we feel like doing on a particular day.

pax

Jane

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 03-29-2003 - 5:19am
But that presupposes they want the boat INSTEAD OF time with the kids. What if thing the family likes to do TOGETHER as a FAMILY is boating?

My SIL WOH *strictly* to pay the dock/winterizing/storage fees for their boat. She and my brother have always been huge boating fans (big into fishing, cruising, water skiing) and their boys have always gone along with--it's a big family event for all of them and I know one of the biggest drawbacks they have all found to moving back to the midwest is the fact that they can't boat for a good portion of the year (since, as a Marine, my brother spent most of his duty assignments in San Diego and Louisiana, they could boat year round).

If my SIL didn't WOH, they'd have had to sell the boat when the boys were born, because on an enlisted salary alone, they couldn't have swung the maintenance. Instead they spend a huge chunk of the family free time on the boat. So how are the kids losing out?

Avatar for cyndiluwho
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 03-29-2003 - 5:45am
Individual differences are why individuals choose different lifestyles. That doesn't change the fact that it's just a lifestyle choice. Your kids aren't going to turn out different because you SAH. What's different is the structure of your life now. You have the structure that best suits you now. This is a personality thing. We all handle situations differently and how we handle them does impact how our children handle them as well. Children tend to prefer what they are used to and we choose what they get used to. My kids have never given a second thought to being in dc because it's always been part of their normal world.

Funny you should meantion two days a week being the maximum. I found three to be the miniimum for use of dc. My kids did not do well in dc two days a week but it was because they didn't go to dc enough for it to be part of their normal world. Dc was more of a disruption to their routine. Three days worked ok but four was better. At four days per week, dc was very much a part of the normal routine instead of a disruption to their routine. I saw no improvement in going from four to five but no negatives either. Perhaps what your children needed was to go to dc more so it was more of their normal routine and to be given the time to adjust.

Dd#2 did not like changing dc's when she was 3 1/2. She wanted to stay at Nana's. We had a bit of a rough time then but you know what? She's made the adjustment just fine and has a great time at her new dc now. A little difficulty isn't reason to give up unless you want to give up. Honestly, had it been my decision only, I would have sent her back to Nana's, however, the decision to move her to the dc at her sisters school meant taking a half hour off of dh's morning routine and an hour off of my evening routine so we bit the bullet and gave her time. Turns out that's all she needed. She had her struggles. She lost Nana and went from 4 days a week in dc to 5 in one breath but once she adusted, she was fine. Trust me, I could have easily said "This isn't working" during the first few months she was at the new dc.


Edited 3/29/2003 6:54:45 AM ET by cyndiluwho

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 03-29-2003 - 6:23am
Ok Cyndiliwho,

I don't think I made myself clear enough in my post (this seems to be common from my end :)

When I said that you felt you had to justify the choice to WOH, I did not mean JUST within the limits of this board. I meant, more in general. It's great that you are here to help out new WMs. And please don't think that I in general take what experienced moms have to say and belittle it. I am not only new here, but relatively speaking, a new mother (oldest is 4) as well.

<>

Have you only got attitude from this board? It seems in the archives, under the premise of questions asked regarding attitudes toward either side, the WOHMs seemed to give me the impression that they were the ones who were looked down on, etc. Maybe the impression I got from that was wrong or only in relation to this board in general. I also cannot point to any one post, or anything specifically you might have said.

Look, I admit I was a little on the rotten side when I first walked on this board.. no denying that. I am trying to be as open as I can, so that I can learn from experience. IMHO though, experience never sounded so defensive. Maybe my posts are just great at inciting that part, perhaps I need a writing lesson, or two, or three, etc.

Avatar for cyndiluwho
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 03-29-2003 - 7:00am
Unfortunately, I have gotten "attitude" IRL. I've been told, right in front of my kids, that "IF I LOVED them I'd SAH". I've overhead dc workers talking about how they just didn't understand how these parents could leave their babies (both were fired for this conversaton) as if working is somehow equated with abandonment. I've been asked "Why have babies if you're just going to leave them in dc?". Apparently, some people think of babies as some new toy that you're simply not deserving of if you don't plan on spending all your time playing with it, lol. I've never gotten this question. Since when do you have to want to do something all the time in order for it to be worthwhile to have in your life?

And then there's my sister, the queen of the MSAHM's. After 16 years of wanting a baby, you'd think she would have said "congratulations" when I made the announcement. Nope, her reply was "Why'd you bother going to school if all you were going to do is have babies?". When she found out I wasn't planning on quitting my job, she called me up to inform me that she doesn't let WOHM's USE her so I should NEVER ask her to care for my kids. I've only ever asked once, when dh had his heart attack. Of course, true to her word, she said no and now gloats over how she "showed me the error of my ways". Yup, this crap exists IRL. It's, usually, said behind our backs rather than to our faces though.

Unfortunately, there is no shortage of SAHM's who build themselves up by tearing down WM's. Many seem to have a need to justify their choice to SAH by claiming it's some sort of necessity and any mother who doesn't do so is cheating her kids. Nothing could be farther from the truth. Both choices are valid. Neither, in of itself (SES aside as it is in the studies), yeilds better results. It's just how you choose to live your life. I prefer to live mine without financial stress and have the option of doing so so I do. More time would be nice but that's all it would be. Nice. Less stress is nicer, IMO.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 03-29-2003 - 7:09am
Honestly, the feeling that you need to justify either choice is something that I've only encountered on this board, not IRL. Maybe it depends on where you live or who you have the most contact with, but I've never had anybody come up to me IRL and ask me to justify WOH. (Or maybe they're all scared of me and just talk behind my back? Hmmmmm.)

My feeling is that people read whatever they want to into these posts. If somebody's looking to be insulted, well, there it is. And if I happen to agree with someone, then she's not insulting other people, they're just too touchy. And so on and so forth.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2000
Sat, 03-29-2003 - 7:14am
Exactly! Thru this whole thing I've been thinking, but what if I want to spend time with my kid ON A BOAT?

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