Extra Money and Extra Time

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Extra Money and Extra Time
452
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 2:31pm
A couple of boards back I asked, and cobaltblue2002 answered, this. I'd like input from everyone.

Why do some people think WOHMs are greedy and materialistic if the WOHMS want to work or work FT, partly to have a financial cushion (I know this does not apply to all WOHMS' financial situations), but the same people think nothing of SAHMs staying home, partly because the SAHMs like more time at home, with children, with hobbies, etc. than other people?

In other words, is more or "extra" time an honorable reason to SAH, but working to earn more than the basic necessities somehow not honorable?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 03-30-2003 - 11:59am
but, you can enjoy that new boat with your kids. i dont understand what the big issue is here. i sah with my kids when they were little and i have said it a gazzillion times, there personalities did not *require* me to be home. i sah because *i* wanted to be with them full time. that doesnt mean if i chose to woh i love them less.

aside from that, the comparison you are making is apples and oranges. you said moms who do not have to woh, and do, are greedy because they would rather have *things* than extra time with their children. in my case even if i didnt *have* to woh, i would for my own mental health. when i sah with the little ones, i enjoyed it, but after a while, i wanted more for me. i am a happier person when i work which in turn helps me be more pleasant to be around when we are together.

from another angle, my ds2 was *totally* bored with me at home with him. he, from the beginning(when he started walking) was where i wasnt. i spent every waking moment with my eyes on him, or he would be outta there. he is very independent and wants to do what he wants, and does not want/need *me* to entertain him. when he turned three, we put him in nursery school and i went to work. you have no idea how wonderful it felt for me to accomplish a task and not have someone come behind me and undo it!! LOL. furthermore, he drove me nuts and the break from him during the day was priceless. we had a much better time when we were back together.

if you and your children are happy sah, thats wonderful, but it is not for everyone, and has *nothing* to do with being greedy or not.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 03-30-2003 - 12:13pm
oh, and dont you just love those cliques!! it feels like the good ol' days... of *jr. high*. thats why i handle it like you. send in what i want. the cliques may not like it, but the kids love it. and i usually try to pick something outside their "theme", because i guess my spitefulness surfaces more often than i would like it to. when i was a room mom, i welcomed all help and called every parent regardless of work status, as the goal was for the kids, not to satisfy the whims of any cliques!

good post!

beth

Avatar for laurenmom2boys
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 03-30-2003 - 4:07pm
First, I'm SO glad your DH is back for good! I can't imagine how you dealt all this time with him being around mostly weekends. I'm so happy for you.

I didn't think you claimed WOHMs are "bad." Nope, never thought that about you. But I was just questioning the "either or" view of WOH vs. SAH. It sounded like you were saying that you could have either time with your kids or financial cushion, not both. Many, many of us who WOH *and* SAH have both. I don't think either "side" has the lock on one or the other advantage.

Sorry you won't be around. You've been great to discuss these issues with. I hope you take a break and come back to do some more discussing.

Avatar for laurenmom2boys
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 03-30-2003 - 4:11pm
So you won't want to spend extra time with them when they are older? Why is it so much more important to spend more time with them when they are younger? I'm discovering that older kids need a lot more guidance and attention than younger kids. They have a lot more influences as they get older.

Hmm, I think I'd like extra time with them all the time. That's why I've found a good balance between WOH FT and being with my kids.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 03-30-2003 - 5:17pm
I don't know much about ADD, but wouldn't it being easier on the mom make it easier on the kid? There *has* to be some correlation there. SAH won't make it go away, sure. And SAH probably makes it easier for the mom to deal with the stresses it can create. Doesn't it follow that if the mom is less stressed, has more time to deal with it, is in a better frame of mind to deal with it ... that it reflects on the kid?

Haven't people here said that its a shame when a teacher doesn't know how, or doesn't have the proper resources, to deal with ADD (or ADHD) students? Why would it be different for a parent? If SAH is a way that a mom gains those resources (be it time, a better frame of mind, etc) then that has to help the kid.

Its obviously not a solution for all kids with ADD. But if has been found to work for a particular family, then it works. And it *can* be related to the mom's work status ... and it can affect for than just the mom.

Hollie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 03-30-2003 - 5:27pm
You're not even listening to her. You can't see past some non-existiant WOH prejudice.

"Interesting since ADD is a brain disfunction. Never heard of SAH resulting in no symptoms."

She didn't say there weren't any symptoms. What she said (or at least i understood) was that by SAH she was better able to *treat* the symptoms that did exist. And therefore, those symptoms had a much less negative effect on the life of her dd.

"Add doesn't go away based on work status or even get better. "

I don't think she meant (or even said) that ADD got better. The symptoms were more treateable and therefore less intrusive.

"YOU found it easier to deal with because you SAH, period."

Nope. Her kid found it easier to deal with too, because of the extra involvement of her mom. Okay, I guess that means it wasn't the SAH that made it easier, but the extra involvement, so in a way you're right. But, she was only able to have that extra involvement because she SAH.

" Nothing about SAH would improve a brian disfunction. As I said, I'm well versed in ADD as my brother had/has (it's not something you really outgrow but rather learn to control better as you age) it to the max."

You're well versed in your brothers ADD. But not all kids react in the same manner and not all kids react to treatment in the same manner.

" ADD is not behavior problems. It's brain problems. Working status may make you better able to deal with it but it doesn't make it better. "

See my above first paragraph.

"By definition ADD is: "Definition

A neurobiological condition characterized by developmentally inappropriate level of attention, concentration, activity, distractability, and impulsivity." "

I'm sure the definition of cancer doesn't say anything about love and care. But you can bet your patooties that part of why my dad recovered from his cancer was the love and support from his family. And if this mom is able to provide more of that by SAH, then it is relevant.

Hollie





Edited 3/30/2003 6:31:27 PM ET by savcal

Avatar for cyndiluwho
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 03-30-2003 - 5:48pm
It would depend on the mom. Can't say for certain but I think working helped my mom to cope. My brother is severely ADHD to the point he had very little small motor control. Every evening, we sat at the kitchen table and worked with him just on learning to hold a pencil. I can still see him, in my mind, holding the pencil double fisted with both hands shaking as he tried to make a letter. It took every ounce of energy he had to over come is ADHD to just write his name. I have a lot of admiration for what he has overcome. He taught us all a thing or two. Everyone in the family became proficient in dealing with him and helping him deal with himself.

Dealing with him was a major source of stress. SAH wouldn't have helped that nor would working with him for several hours a day. The few minutes an evening he could muster was enough. It might have helped to better keep his behavior more under control WHILE he was home but all that does is mask the problem. It's still there. ADD and ADHD are brain disfunctions. Mom SAH is no more likely to improve ADD than mom SAH with an amputee child would improve the missing limb. Just because something is easier doesn't mean it's better for the child. Some things just are.

ADHD is a physical problem. There are things you can do to make dealing with it easier but that doesn't make it better. What makes it better is medication and time. My brother couldn't be medicated. In time he, like many, ADHD children learned to control his ADHD and use it to his advantage. My brother is still ADHD. He puts all that nervous energy and his tendency to notice everything (He doesn't really have a short attention span so much as he just can't filter things out like normal folks. He pays attention to EVERYTHING at the same time and EVERYTHING distracts him.) to good use. He's a government auditor, lol. He's been told he does way too much when he does audits, lol.

ADD and ADHD are medical conditions and have to be treated as such. The brain just doesn't work right. Sorry, but I fail to see how moms working status impacts that. I think some moms find it easier to deal with an ADD or ADHD child as SAHM's and some find it easier to deal with as WM's. IMO, it's a personal preference not anything that the child needs. You can meet an ADD child's needs as either a SAH or WOHM. Now, meeting moms needs is another matter. I can't imagine my mother home all day with my brother and sane. That would be a lot to deal with.

Hmmmm? Maybe I'm a bit ADD myself since I'm SUPPOSED to be finishing that paper. Ok smack my hands. I'll go back to work now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 03-30-2003 - 5:53pm
Which just goes to show how very little you understand about the disorder. In fact, your ignorance on the matter is outshone only by your inability to put your ill-founded dogma to one side for a moment and exercise a little humility. (Maybe a good mantra here wuold be, "cindylou does not know everything."

I'll state it as simply as possible because you are having difficulty understanding it. It's a fairly logical progression.

1. Yes, it is probably an organic disorder.

2. The uncontrolled expression of the disorder can cause learning difficulties and developmental impairment.

3. The symptoms can be controlled in a variety of ways - medication, controlling the environment of the child, or a combination of both.

4. Controlling the symptoms can ameliorate the expression of the disorder in the disruption of learning/development.

I *never* claimed SAH cured her ADD - but it did help her to control her symptoms as I was able to tailor an environment to her specific special needs. There are certain environmental factors which can help an ADD child - strict routines, low lighting, lack of distracting stimuli, enforced quiet time, the availability of one on one supervision in order to keep focus, among *many* other considerations. None of these things were available to us in either a daycare centre or family care situation.

Why this is so threatening to you, why you will side step all logical barriers in order to defend that view that sah is never *necessary* but is simply a 'lifestyle' choice is utterly beyond me. What do *you* have to lose by admitting that things might be different? Why do *you* have such difficulty accepting that things might be different for other people? What issues have you got that have you behaving in such an irrational way?

pax

Jane

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 03-30-2003 - 6:24pm
You just soooo contradicted yourself and proved my point!

"It would depend on the mom. Can't say for certain but I think working helped my mom to cope. "

Exactly! Just like SAH helped isobugs to cope.

"Dealing with him was a major source of stress. SAH wouldn't have helped that nor would working with him for several hours a day. "

Not your mom. But, as you said above, it depends on the mom. It obviously did help isobugs.

"Mom SAH is no more likely to improve ADD than mom SAH with an amputee child would improve the missing limb. "

Again, no one said it made the condition better. But having mom home might help an amputee get around better.

"I think some moms find it easier to deal with an ADD or ADHD child as SAHM's and some find it easier to deal with as WM's. "

I agree.

"IMO, it's a personal preference not anything that the child needs. You can meet an ADD child's needs as either a SAH or WOHM. "

It may not be what a child *needs* but it can improve how *they* handle it as well. In *general* a child with ADD's needs can be met by a SAHM or a WOHM, but that can't be said for all kids and all moms. Some moms deal with it better as a SAHM. You said it yourself above that it depends on the mom. And if the mom *deals* better, it HAS to reflect on the child. Just as your mom working made her deal better, and it reflected on your brother. You said yourself that things would have been worse if she had SAH. Can't the opposite be true?

"Now, meeting moms needs is another matter. I can't imagine my mother home all day with my brother and sane. That would be a lot to deal with. "

But you can't separate the two. You yourself have said on this board over and over that a mom being happy and having her personal fulfillment needs met aids the family. Part of why you (and I) work. But, if a mom *needs* to SAH to better cope with her child's ADD, that doesn't aid the child?

I don't see how you can not see the relationship here. I agree that SAH won't make the *condition* better. But it can make the effects of the condition better. And in some families, the opposite is true. WOH can make the effects of the condition better.

Hollie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 03-30-2003 - 6:30pm
Go do your paper!! LOL. in the time you took to write that very well thought out response(i have a personal interest in ADD), you could have edited your paper. i would love to discuss ADD with you when you have completed your first priority. see you later, cyndiluwho. this message board i not going anywhere, ie: it will be here when you finish.

see ya!! :-)

beth

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