Extra Money and Extra Time

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Extra Money and Extra Time
452
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 2:31pm
A couple of boards back I asked, and cobaltblue2002 answered, this. I'd like input from everyone.

Why do some people think WOHMs are greedy and materialistic if the WOHMS want to work or work FT, partly to have a financial cushion (I know this does not apply to all WOHMS' financial situations), but the same people think nothing of SAHMs staying home, partly because the SAHMs like more time at home, with children, with hobbies, etc. than other people?

In other words, is more or "extra" time an honorable reason to SAH, but working to earn more than the basic necessities somehow not honorable?

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Avatar for mygriffin
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Registered: 03-28-2003
Mon, 03-31-2003 - 9:48am
Yes, it is, isn't it? (nt)
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-31-2003 - 9:57am
Of course you are entitled to your opinion, but I do not agree. And I do not have a boat, but I work in part for financial reasons to pay for a nice house, cars, and great childcare. And my kids are young, 3.5 years and 17 months.

Maybe it's a matter of kids wanting what they didn't have. I had a very solid middle class upbringing, but no extras. I want my kids to be able to travel abroad in high school and have lessons in anything they show an interest in. I want *more* for my kids than I could provide if I worked 2.5 days a week. But I don't think that means I am more honorable to plan to have more money available to our family than you are to plan to spend more time with your little ones.

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Avatar for mygriffin
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Registered: 03-28-2003
Mon, 03-31-2003 - 9:59am
Of course I want to spend extra time with them when they're older. But they'll be in school full-time, so the hours I'd be home in the mornings as a SAHM would be pointless now, wouldn't they?

"Why is it so much more important to spend more time with them when they are younger?"

You keep asking me the same question. It's important to ME to spend time with them now. As it is, Griffin will be in school 5 days a week next year--for 3 hours only, but I'm still going to miss being able to do whatever we want to do and having no schedule on the days I'm off right now.

"I'm discovering that older kids need a lot more guidance and attention than younger kids. They have a lot more influences as they get older."

I'll take your word (and everyone else's here) on that since my oldest is only 4.5. But I still think my guidance and attention right now is important as well.



"Hmm, I think I'd like extra time with them all the time. That's why I've found a good balance between WOH FT and being with my kids."

I'd like to know what your work hours are. When mine are in school, it's possible I could work the 5am--2pm shift here at work and be home for the after-school hours. That would be a good balance for me. What's your balance?

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-31-2003 - 10:00am
They get mad because WE should want what they want, and we are greedy moms who should be guilt-ridden that we *sacrifice* time with our kids for money. I didn't spend my whole life learning and working to *sacrifice* my career for the 7 years when my kids are pre-K age. If someone else wants to SAH or work PT and spend more time with their kids, great. Just don't make me feel guilty for my choice.

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Avatar for cyndiluwho
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Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 03-31-2003 - 10:15am
And all of that makes this an individual choice based on individual preferences. I didn't contradict a thing. I've never maintained that everyone can handle the same things. Some women couldn't handle what my mom did and do as well as she did but that's personal limtations and if that's your reason for doing something you should state it that way. No one can argue with "I can't handle working and my ADD child". It's the claim that SAH makes ADD better I challenge. I don't think working status has anything to do with it. My brother would have been no better/worse if mom had SAH. Mom just wouldn't have liked being home all day with a child who was so challenging.
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-31-2003 - 10:34am
Again, you're talking about your personal preferences. But getting up at 4 or 4:30 to start work at 5 am would involve no balance for me. I'd be so tired in the afternoons that I couldn't enjoy the kids, and I'd have to go to bed so early at night that I'd never see DH, who's a night owl.

Balance to me is all of us being happy in our day to day lives, fairly rested, with each of us having the opportunity for personal time. Ah, someday!

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Avatar for mygriffin
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Registered: 03-28-2003
Mon, 03-31-2003 - 10:48am
You just *wait* for me to post, don't you? ;)

I think part of the reason we don't agree is because we're different people in different situations. Without working full time, I *have* a nice house and a new minivan. My great childcare is my parents. We're not rich, by any means and it would be so great to have more money and be able to buy things I *want* instead of only the things I *need.*

As for wanting your kids to have what you didn't have, I don't think my kids need anything at the ages of 4.5 and 19mos. that they don't already have. By the time they're in high school, I think we'll be well on the road to being able to give them "extras," although my reasoning for doing so wouldn't be because I didn't have any. Again, a difference btwn the two of us--I don't remember wanting for anything more from my parents. There were plenty of kids who had more and plenty who had less when I was in high school. *That's* where I'd like my kids to be.

And because I'm not working full time right now doesn't necessarily mean you'll have more money available to your family than I will when our kids are in high school, right?

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-31-2003 - 11:00am
I'd be much more interested in working PT if I had no childcare expenses.

I didn't understand part of your post. "It would be so great to have things I *want* instead of things we *need.*" Is this sarcasm? I didn't understand how this statement fit into your thread.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 03-31-2003 - 11:11am
Does anyone see the irony here?

You indignantly question why others would "judge" you for "wanting to be with your children," when you clearly view yourself as more virtuous than anyone else who would choose to work. You think you are superior to those who would not choose as you do. First of all, there are many who don't suffer the Martyr Complex, therefore, we don't ascribe things like "virtue" and "honor" to the choices we make as parents. I mean, I'm not on a world stage here, this is not a performance or a race. It's about delivering what's necessary to keep my kid in a good place without regard to how it "looks." But hey, knock yourself out.

Second of all, your premise is a fallacy. As I explained in a previous post, some people don't feel they lack time with their children. So there is no conflict with respect to the choice.

You feel you don't have enough time with the children if you worked traditional full time hours so you work part time. It makes you feel better. Groovy. Shockingly, many, many men and women the world over do not even feel that way to begin with. There is no lack, there is actually time enough. There is fullness in the time we have. There is no lost time to make up for.

You want to feverishly count beans, I have 15 mins more, you have 15 mins less. It's not about beans. It's about what you're doing with the time to fill the need. I can clean the house in 15 minutes or 2 hours depending on how much I stall. That you need all those 15 or whatever "extra" hours to make yourself feel better says nothing about anyone else's need or ability to maximize the time they have and be satisfied.

Yet you impose on that group of people your values. You think because you feel it's not time enough for you, it's not enough for anyone else. That's tunnel vision. Skewed perception. Smply because that's how you feel. And the kicker, you judge them inferior because they have not made the adjustments you made, and the choices you do. Has anyone else told you that you make inefficient use of your time? You're not a good multi-tasker? Unskilled in time management? That would be your logic reflected on you. Judging others inferior because they don't do things like you do.

And then when someone calls you on it, well, then you're just talking about yourself, your opinion, your situation.

Nope. Watch the backhand. You wanna ascribe virtue to an act, you're not talking about just yourself anymore.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-31-2003 - 11:12am
It'd be too early for me,too,but I'd like to find something like that just to give my kids more flexibility in their day than if dh and I both worked 8:30-5:30.It would be nice if they were able to do what they wanted afterschool every day,come home or afterschool care or sports instead of what they had to do.It would also be nice to be able to split sick days and vacation days w/ my dh so we wouldn't have to give up vacation time.Kids here get 3 vacation weeks alone,not counting half days and teacher training days and holidays(Yom Kipper,Good Friday,etc.).

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