Final solution to issue w/BM

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Final solution to issue w/BM
145
Wed, 05-21-2003 - 7:23pm
I posted this on the OP as well as the second OP, but they are long lost below the threads so I'll post the solution here.

This is what we've decided to do in case we don't get custody.

We were thinking about providing a home for free rent for the BM so she'll save money to provide for her dd, but that suggestion didn't turn out well considering problems that may arise from it. My dh called her today and asked her that if we didn't get custody of my dsd would she be willing to take parenting classes and some counseling to see where the true problem lies with caring for his dd. Is it the money? Is it the ignorance? Is it mental illness? Or is it just plain laziness? Of course she declined to the counseling and told him to shove the positive parenting bit up his ass and just give her more money.

So, what we're going to do is still go through with the custody battle and if we don't get her then we'll still do the followinng with some restrictions:

-provide CS payment

-pay dsd's school directly

-buy her clothing and other grooming supplies, but keep it at our house for when she visits.

-buy her educational supplies and have them shipped directly to the teacher of her class.

-pay for academic summer camp for when she's with us only in the summer

-pay for after school care directly to the school program

Of course when she heard this from my dh she was livid and called us all kinds of mother$%@$ers and such.

He told her that HE himself was going to take the CS case back to court for the increase based on his income only because my income is not legally included based on NC and GA laws. And that she will get whatever the courts rule, but no more. Of course she cussed, and cussed and hung up the phone.

So, the above is what we plan on doing. The CS will be increased to whatever the courts rule AND my dsd will receive all that we were already giving her except with some modifications to ensure she gets them.

We're still waiting on the progress report from her teacher. We should get it by next week. We have to discuss what we are to do if she fails again. We may need to go to NC and have her evaluated before any choices can be made about her schooling for next school year.


Tonya

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 05-21-2003 - 9:06pm
Well...

"-buy her clothing and other grooming supplies, but keep it at our house for when she visits."

Hmmm... so she doesn't need to be clothed, dressed, or neat looking when she is at her mom's?

"-buy her educational supplies and have them shipped directly to the teacher of her class."

Yeah, that would be nice if you want her to be made fun of in school.


I've been on your side most of the way in this whole thing... although silently, not posting much on the subject. However, these two points in particular clearly indicate that the child's needs are not really the focus of this latest "plan." I believe you care about this child, so for her sake - think it all the way through please.

-Deb

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2002
Wed, 05-21-2003 - 9:25pm
>>>However, these two points in particular clearly indicate that the child's needs are not really the focus of this latest "plan."<<<

In a normal situation, I would agree with you on this. However, there are many (unfortunately) people in this world who aren't normal. Sounds like this may be one of those situations. She mentioned how they did buy the child clothes and sent them to moms house, but mom either loaned them out and never got them back, or didn't take care of them, or gave them away. So what is the solution that benefits the child? Do they send new clothes every week? Unfortunately, this all lies with mom to fix. From another state, there isn't much dad and stepmom can do about it.

As for the school supplies, it also comes to being the moms responsibility. If they buy supplies and send them to moms house, and mom doesn't provide them to the school, what good does that do the child?

Okmrsmommy-36, CPmom to DD-16 and DS-14

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-21-2003 - 10:05pm
"-buy her clothing and other grooming supplies, but keep it at our house for when she visits."

**Hmmm... so she doesn't need to be clothed, dressed, or neat looking when she is at her mom's?**

We will send her the clothing that she needs. ALL of the clothing we buy her will not go with her everytime. Her mother can clothe her as well. We're not the only providers here. When we did buy and send ALL her clothing, they were only given and shared with other cousins and friends and never returned anyway. And when she came to visit with us we would have to buy more clothing anyways. So we decided that only some clothing will be sent, but most will be left with us.

"-buy her educational supplies and have them shipped directly to the teacher of her class."

**Yeah, that would be nice if you want her to be made fun of in school.**

The teacher usually keeps the supplies there at the school and has them use it throughout the school year. I'm sure the other Kindergarten or 1st graders, unless the teacher tells the students she received them from the mailroom, they wouldn't know. Now, if the students kept their own supplies and brought them from home and other students can see this, then I could see where it would be embarassing. But in this case, no.

Tonya
Avatar for cyndiluwho
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 05-22-2003 - 6:10am
One question, are you talking about buying educational supplies the teacher as requested or are you trying to tell the teacher what to teach?

If your dh is so worried about this child, I would suggest he go for an increase in visitation while he's in court.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2003
Thu, 05-22-2003 - 7:44am
I took it as buying required supplies that are to be purchased by the parents. We have a long list to begin the year with and then supplies through out the year to buy. I agree with the OP that would be a great idea to be sure she got what she needed if the mother isn't going to provide. And sending them directly to the teacher would be another great option imo.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-22-2003 - 7:48am
I agree on the clothing issue. I have read other divorced parents that do the same thing and I have never really understood it. How can you give something to someone and then make a rule on when they can use them. If the items are really the childs then it should be up to her to use as she wants/needs. Also the way kids grow, you may not even be able to use them on the next visit.

At a lot of schools as a PTA fund raiser instead of the parents going out and purchasing school supplies themselves the PTA makes up packages and that the parent can buy. Depending on the school sometimes the child picks up the package from a cental location on the first day of school or sometimes the packages are delivered to each classroom and is sitting on the childs desk the first day of school. If the DSD school has a plan like that then her idea would work great but if it doesn't then I don't think it would be very feasible.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2003
Thu, 05-22-2003 - 7:52am
I've seen clothing situations and the reason irl the clothes were kept at the one parent's home is when they are sent to where the child lives they are never seen again, being worn even. They disappear. Or other reasons like the mother would not do the laundry so after the kids wore them and they were soiled then they'd just disappear. I can see it as a good thing if it is those circumstances. If it is not, then I do agree with you.

That is a great idea about the pta. I've never heard of that plan.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2003
Thu, 05-22-2003 - 7:53am
We parents take our children's supplies in so I can see your point, no big deal here either.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-22-2003 - 7:57am
If the number one concern is the child then it really doesn't matter what happens to the clothes when she goes home. I think it would be down right crual to give a child clothing and then when she is going "home" to say, "Sorry but those clothes have to stay here, you can't take them with you." Are they the child's clothes or not? Like I mentioned in my earlier post the way kids grow it is likely that they would not fit on the next visit anyway. I can see no longer sending clothing to the child when it is living in the other house, but I think that giving the child clothing and then taking them back is going too far and has more to do with the power stuggle going on then the needs of the child.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2000
Thu, 05-22-2003 - 8:24am
I've heard of a lot of situations where parents kept clothing separate at separate houses, and for the reasons that you gave. It does make sense, but I can see where the child might not understand.

We never had to deal with overnight visits with my son's dad, so the clothing thing was never an issue, but toys, etc., were. I left my ex's house on many birthday and Christmas visits with an unconsolable child who'd just received mountains of gifts, only to be told that he could only take one (and that's after much negotiating between dad & me...he wanted him to leave them all there) home with him. :-( He was only at his dad's house a few hours every other week, and there were things he NEVER got to play with. That's very hard to explain to a child, and I can see where it would be difficult for a child to understand the clothing thing, too.

As far as school supplies, I think it's a great idea! Our schools ask the parents to have the children's supplies turned in the week before school starts anyway, so having them shipped there would really be no different to the child than having Mom drop them off the week before.


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