~Forgive a Cheating Spouse??~

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2005
~Forgive a Cheating Spouse??~
867
Fri, 05-27-2005 - 7:58pm

Would you or could you possibly forgive a cheating spouse? Why or why not??

Is there hope after infidelity?

Do you think SAHM's are more likely to forgive a cheating husband then WOHM's due to financial dependence/independence?

~Jenn

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2003
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 4:59pm
I'm not suggesting that kids DO need to know all the details. . .but sometimes they find out without a parent "telling" them.

Virgo

Virgo
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 5:01pm

What age are you talking? I was thirteen and certainly knew what was going on.

"I do not want to be a princess! I want to be myself"

Mallory (age 3)

      &nbs

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2004
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 5:01pm
Yes, they do. Even little ones. Maybe we're kidding ourselves if we think we can keep any of the gory details from them. I hope to God I never divorce.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2003
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 5:06pm

My family is my support system, so yes. For me they do. They don't know intimate details, but they know the general situation. I wouldn't have made it through without their support and dealing with the betrayal issues was a necessary part of getting through it.


And it's not like a guy who cheated and had the chick move in 9 months later isn't gonna be found out ... Not a hard secret to keep ...


And I'm not ashamed of what happened. If people ask how/why we got divorced, I tell them. Straight up. No details, but I don't dance around the subject either.


Choose your friends by their character and your socks by their color.  Choosing your socks by their character makes no sense and choosing your friends by their color is unthinkable.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2003
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 5:06pm

Check this out. . .You found tampons at your bachelor dad's apartment. . .I found whipped cream (the kind in the spray can) and NOTHING else in the fridge.


I was 17 and could MORE than figure out Daddy wasn't making ice cream sundaes with it.


Virgo

Virgo
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2004
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 5:07pm
At any age, kids know more than we think, that's for sure. But unless there's clear evidence like the kind you mention, can't we shield them a little bit from the details? It only came up because of the idea in the thread that cheating hurts others beyond the two people involved. I say it can, but it doesn't have to. Even in divorce, it's the divorce that hurt the kids, not the cheating. At least not as directly.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2003
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 5:09pm

I agree, but I wont' be dishonest with my kids. I have never brought up the subject, but at 8, dd was smart enough to figure it out.


She asked me one day, after the split but before the divorce was legal, "Is Treana daddy's girlfriend?" I answered, quite simply, "Yes". I would have gladly let it drop at that. Dd continued with "Was she his girlfriend while he was still married to you?" Again, I answered simply "Yes". Dd replied, with a puzzled look on her face, "Oh. I'm sorry mommy. that is why you are divorcing isn't it." and again, simply "Yes. That is a good part of the reason. Not all of it, but a major part." She hugged me then and let it drop. So did I.


As they get older and have more questions, I'll answer them honestly. And try my damndest to do so without prejudice.



Choose your friends by their character and your socks by their color.  Choosing your socks by their character makes no sense and choosing your friends by their color is unthinkable.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2003
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 5:11pm
If they already know why NOT discuss it? I refuse to hide things, especially when acknowledging them gives kids the opportunities to ask questions and work out their own feelings. Kids shouldn't have to carry the burden of knowing things like dad is an alcoholic but not be given the venue to discuss their feelings about it.


Choose your friends by their character and your socks by their color.  Choosing your socks by their character makes no sense and choosing your friends by their color is unthinkable.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2004
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 5:11pm
Please, I don't mean to suggest you have a thing to be ashamed of. I just think adults can usually handle divorcing family members, even if they're heartbroken over it. And even if they eventually find out everything. But we can spare the kids all the particulars until they're old enough to understand better, can't we? I'm sure that must be what you try to do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2004
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 5:12pm
You're a brave woman to even want to consider marriage after an experience like that.

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