~Forgive a Cheating Spouse??~

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2005
~Forgive a Cheating Spouse??~
867
Fri, 05-27-2005 - 7:58pm

Would you or could you possibly forgive a cheating spouse? Why or why not??

Is there hope after infidelity?

Do you think SAHM's are more likely to forgive a cheating husband then WOHM's due to financial dependence/independence?

~Jenn

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 9:49pm

<>

You don't sound much like a Catholic. ;)

Either your friends lied to the priest who married them, their first marriages were annulled, or their first marriages really didn't take place in a Catholic Church. A fourth possibility is that the friends got remarried outside the Church, still attend Church but don't receive any sacraments, since they are technically excommunicated. I grew up with a few people like that, people on second marriages who never missed Mass but didn't receive communion.

It is absolutely against RC doctrine for any person who was once married in the Church to have sex with anyone else, ever, unless the first marriage is annulled. Not if there is a second marriage in another church, not if there was adultery, not if anything. Once you're married in the Catholic Church, you are married until death or annulment. Period.

Congratulations! I'm so happy to hear it. I just heard the good news and popped back over, just in case you were still checking in.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2004
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 9:52pm

Deceipt for one. If your spouse doesn't tell you he's a sex addict before marrying you and takes a vow knowing he's a sex addict, the vows weren't worth much. I guess you have to ask yourself if you would have still married him if you knew he was a sex addict at the time. I know what my answer is.

A relative who is ill is a relative who is ill. One who is addicted is a bit different. Often by helping an addict all you do is enable them. However, the discussion before about parents wasn't about addiction it was about illness.

Are addictions illnesses is another debate, however, it would be wrong to enable the behavior in any way shape or form. That doesn't mean you have to turn your back on them but you don't have to make life easier for them either. You, definitely, don't enable the bahavior and you do do things to prevent the behavior.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 9:53pm

<>


So is polygamy. So is having a mistress.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2004
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 9:56pm

When does a spouse who has cheated earn back trust? How long does it take? For how long to you live with them as an untrustworthy person?

I can tell you this. It would not be possible for my husband to earn back my trust if he cheated on me. There is nothing he could do to undo what he did. I would never be able to trust him the way I do now again. Once biten, twice shy.

Once they've cheated once, what's to stop them from cheating again? I think of a spouse who has cheated as a cheater and would for a long time. The first time was probably the hard one.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 9:57pm

They arent *points*. They are your opinions, based on nothing more than your own thoughts. If you want to make them debatable, come up with some statistics about how many times a spouse cheats after one instance of infidelity. How many marriages are able to move past it and become stronger, vs how many marriages fail. How many cheating spouses actually give their mate an std. THEN you might have something worth debating.


You are debating PEOPLE. Humans. Who are all different, with different upbringings, cultures, values etc. There are spouses who might cheat once and never do so again. There are spouses who are able to forgive and forge a stronger marriage out of the damage that was done.


You've been told repeatedly WHY people disagree with you. You simply choose to ignore it. I've told you repeatedly myself.


And no one here has said adultery is *okay*. The question was whether or not it was possible for some to forgive their spouse. Some say they COULD forgive, depending on the circumstances, and some say they would at least try to work it out.


What is it that you want from people here? Besides a desire to have everyone *see the light* and agree with you, that is.


Dj

"Now when I need help, I look in the mirror" ~Kanye West~

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2003
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 9:58pm
Who said anything about enabling the behavior?

Virgo

Virgo
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2004
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 10:00pm
My mother used to tell me that the divorce had nothing to do with us kids and the reasons were adult reasons and I didn't need to know them. I know some details now but I doubt I know them all.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2004
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 10:03pm

Yes, there is life after divorce.

I'm glad things are working out well.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2004
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 10:06pm

"once a cheat... always a cheat. If not by his actions... then in your mind."

Well said. If my husband did cheat on me and spent the next 20 years telling me he'd never do it again, I'd still wonder every time he walked out the door. If I can't believe a vow he took before God, how am I supposed to believe one he took in the marriage counselors office?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2003
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 10:07pm

"When does a spouse who has cheated earn back trust?"


It depends.


"How long does it take?"


It depends.


"For how long to you live with them as an untrustworthy person?"


It depends.


Are you sensing a trend in my responses here?


"I can tell you this. It would not be possible for my husband to earn back my trust if he cheated on me. There is nothing he could do to undo what he did. I would never be able to trust him the way I do now again. Once biten, twice shy."


Rebuilding trust isn't about undoing what was done.

Virgo
 

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