~Forgive a Cheating Spouse??~

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2005
~Forgive a Cheating Spouse??~
867
Fri, 05-27-2005 - 7:58pm

Would you or could you possibly forgive a cheating spouse? Why or why not??

Is there hope after infidelity?

Do you think SAHM's are more likely to forgive a cheating husband then WOHM's due to financial dependence/independence?

~Jenn

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 06-02-2005 - 9:58pm

Read my post, then try again. This time, read without placing your own odd little spin on it.


Dj

"Now when I need help, I look in the mirror" ~Kanye West~

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2004
Thu, 06-02-2005 - 10:06pm

Breaking the forsake all others vow breaks the others. An affair certainly doesn't show love for a spouse, nor cherishing or honor. Especailly that honor part. An affair is definitely dishonor.

This one is different because it involves inflicting damage that can't be undone. It's like murder. You can't unkill someone. You can't unaffair a marriage either.

What is love? Romantic/erotic love ebbs and flow sometimes disappearing completely in a marriage but that doesn't mean the partners don't love. Love can be an ember waiting to be stirred again, a fondness, comfort in the presence of another...it takes many forms. I don't think you stop loving someone until you start hating them. You can love someone and feel no physical attraction to them. You can also honor and cherish them without romantic love.

Having an affair shows a disrespect for the person and the relatiohsip. It certainly isn't cherishing someone or honoring them and doesn't show love.

Do I consider this more important than the others? Individually, yes because it includes them. All together no. When you're married to someone who doesn't love you, doesn't cherish you and dishonors you, it is time to move on. That is a sad sad situation to be in.

I really don't understand the logic of saying someone should stick around and see if he changes. He may or he may not. Time will tell but you need time too after an affair. Best to take care of yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2004
Thu, 06-02-2005 - 10:11pm

If you've noted, Virgo is one of the few I've been debating. Her and DJ mostly.

I don't know if you saw the list of reasons men cheat I posted. One of them was women let them get away with it. I find that pathetic.

IF my husband cheated on me, I would leave. Period. I would start the process of building a new life for myself and my children that didn't include living with a man who did not love me and could not manage to honor me and remain faithful to me in spite of a vow taken before God.

I look at it this way, If I can't believe what you say when you say it before God and 200 witnesses, when can I believe what you say? If I can't believe what you say, what kind of relationship do we have? A marriage without trust is not a marriage.

Trust once freely given must be earned after a betrayal. That takes time. How much time? Who knows. Could be the rest of your lives. Until you can trust him, there's no sense in being married to him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2004
Thu, 06-02-2005 - 10:19pm

What did he do to earn my trust? He didn't betray my trust. Once betrayed, that can never be said again.

Trust was freely given in the beginning and as long as he didn't/doens't betray that trust, it will continue to be given. Once betrayed, there is no trust.

My husband never earned my trust. Trust was just given. I can say that after years of him not betraying the trust I've given him, that trust has grown deeper but all it takes is one betrayal to shatter that and once that glass is broken, there's no Krazy glueing it back together.

I have no idea how you learn to trust a person who has betrayed you because I've never had to do it. I have family members I will never trust. I'll always love them but I'll never trust them because the trust I have given them before has been betrayed. I can love them without trusting them but that doesn't mean I go back for more. How do you love a spouse without trusting him? How to you have a marriage if you can't trust your spouse.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2003
Thu, 06-02-2005 - 10:27pm

That you cannot rebuild trust even in blood family members is quite telling.

Virgo
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 06-02-2005 - 11:05pm

But the thing is, not everyone feels the way you do. While no one here has said that cheating is okay, there is a huge variation as to just how *not okay* it is, a lot of which is dependent on individual circumstances. You cant really tell people to *prove* why they feel the way they do-anymore than you can *prove* that your feelings are more right than others.


Some people (actually the majority of posters on this thread) feel that there are circumstances where cheating might be something that they would try to work through. Not overlook. Not approve of. Not allow. But work through and possibly forgive, and move on.


You dont have the ability to forgive infidelity, or the ability to get past it and still have a marriage. And thats okay. But WHY do you keep insisting on telling OTHER people that they are wrong for feeling differently about it than you?


Dj

"Now when I need help, I look in the mirror" ~Kanye West~

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2004
Fri, 06-03-2005 - 6:37am

No, the fact I can't rebuild trust in a family member has to do with said family member not even trying.

With a family member, I can see where, eventually, you might get to the point you trust them again. However, that could take many years. Now, I don't live with, sleep with or depend on the family member in question. So the fact it could take a lifetime to rebuild trust is inconsequential.

The family member I'm referring to has betrayed trust more than once. We all know him for what he is and that is someone who cannot be trusted. We know darned well when he calls and begs for a loan you'll see a cent of that money back. We know that when he says he'll do something, you can flip a coin to see if he does. While it has been many years since he has stolen something from me, I would still lock up my valuables if he came to visit.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2004
Fri, 06-03-2005 - 6:41am

You can still act in ways that enable someone to continue in a negative behavior even if it is not an addiction. I think taking back a cheating spouse could be one of them. After all, if he got away with it once, why not again.

The problem here is that the person needs to change their behavior before you take them back. Think about it. To take back the cheater right away means you are taking the word of someone who has proven themselves untrustworthy and for whom even a vow is not to be believed.

While they might, eventually, be able to prove they have changed and rebuild trust, I question the prudence of taking back someone before they have changed and proved they have changed. Usually when you do the same thing over again, you get the same results.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2004
Fri, 06-03-2005 - 6:47am
Yes, I'm sure you could easily have been much more crude.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2004
Fri, 06-03-2005 - 6:48am

No, we can't but I can tell you this, it is foolish to invest in the same situation that resulted in your spouse having an affair. If that is to not happen again, something has to change. Prefferably the cheating spouse. To take them back before they have changed and made ammends for their ways is foolishness.

If a person has a moral problem, they need to work on that problem. Until they solve that problem, they are at risk of repeating the behavior. Blanket forgiveness isn't likely the answer here.

Yes, I take the route of self protection when dealing with someone who has already inflicted injury. Until they prove to me they have changed, I see no reason to take risks with them. Proving they have changed will take time. Likely lots of time. During that time what makes more sense. To trust/depend on and sleep with the person you don't know whether or not will change in a manner conducive to the marriage continuing or to separate yourself from the person while they work on changing the issues that led to the affair in the first place.

And no, I don't believe the non cheating spouse causes an affair. One is not forced into an affair because they are not happy with their spouse. If you have issues with your spouse, you need to take up those issues with your spouse not run off and have sex with someone else.

It always amazes me when men will try to blame what they CHOSE to do on their wives/girlfriends. The devil made me do it!! I guess it's nice to blame the victim.

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