~Forgive a Cheating Spouse??~

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2005
~Forgive a Cheating Spouse??~
867
Fri, 05-27-2005 - 7:58pm

Would you or could you possibly forgive a cheating spouse? Why or why not??

Is there hope after infidelity?

Do you think SAHM's are more likely to forgive a cheating husband then WOHM's due to financial dependence/independence?

~Jenn

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2003
Sat, 06-04-2005 - 12:48pm

In my profile here on iVillage I state that my greatest achievement to date is learning to forgive.

Virgo
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2004
Sat, 06-04-2005 - 12:54pm
Of course, KB would probably say, "By all means forgive him, but be sure to dump him pronto!" Which is a pretty stingy kind of forgiveness in my book.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2004
Sat, 06-04-2005 - 1:15pm
No, that was a blunt (no vulgarities used) decsription of an affair. No you don't have to hike your skirt because things happen. Nor does he have to drop his drawers. Say it how you want but you don't have to do it because things happen and that is not an excuse for not having self control.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2004
Sat, 06-04-2005 - 1:24pm

Optimisim and pessimism are just as bad. I'm not a pessimist. If I were, I'd assume my husband would have an affair on me. I assume he won't. However, if he did, I would take that as proof that he doesn't respect me or our marriage and that he is untrustworthy. A persons actions speak much louder than their words.

The only way I would trust him again would be if he earned my trust and that would take a long time. I see staying with him while you assume he will earn your trust rather foolish given they've already betrayed it once.

I think people who have been wronged in this way need to grieve for what they've lost. You can't move on until you do. Living a life that pretends it never happened doesn't help you grieve. Living with someone you don't trust is like beating your head against the wall. Without trust there is no marriage and when you find out you have been betrayed, there is no trust. Not for a long while.

I think we should think more of ourselves than to live with someone who we can't trust. Trust is the backbone of marriage. Trust that you will do what you say. Trust that you will be there for your spouse. To be the cause of the hurt to your spouse betrays trust on a very basic level.

Then there is the simple fact that the rate of recidivism is quite high for this type of behavior. Once you establish that having affairs is not reason to dissolve a marriage, you've pretty much trapped yourself. If having one affair isn't reason for divorce, why would two be? Is two worse than one?

For me, there is a religious aspect too. Divorce because of an affair is allowed in my religion and the wronged party is permitted to remarry. Once I establish that infidelity is a forgivable offense, it remains a forgivable offense. Either infidelity is a sin against marriage or is simply an issue to work through. If you don't walk after the first affair, you can't justify walking after the second or third either because affairs are forgivable. I don't think they are.




Edited 6/4/2005 1:27 pm ET ET by kbmamm
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2004
Sat, 06-04-2005 - 1:25pm
Twist, writhe, gasp, sputter, choke, collapse...
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 06-04-2005 - 1:27pm
There are the vulgarities again. Vulgarity doesn't just mean swear words. It also means describing something (usually sex) in as ugly a way as possible. A non-vulgar way to say it would be to say "have sex" rather than "hike up your skirt". "Have sex" conveys the information. "Hike up your skirt" is meant to disgust with its ugly image. Trying on purpose to disgust people is vulgar.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2004
Sat, 06-04-2005 - 1:29pm

You are way too sensitive if you think saying spread your legs to describe an affair where "sex is just sex" is vulgar.

Report it to ivillage and let them decide.




Edited 6/4/2005 1:30 pm ET ET by kbmamm
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2003
Sat, 06-04-2005 - 1:57pm

You misunderstand the basic nature of forgiveness.


Forgiving isn't about saying something is okay. . .


When God forgives me of my sins, he isn't saying it was okay to do it and to go ahead and do it again.

Virgo
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2005
Sat, 06-04-2005 - 2:12pm
"There is no way I'd want my daughters to stay in a relationship with a man who cheated on them." Well. You don't get to decide that for 'em if it does happen.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2005
Sat, 06-04-2005 - 2:14pm

So that's what you call your incredibly fragile ego.

So, what did DH have to do to get out of the book doo-doo? Or are you still planning on ripping your family apart over that incident?

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